Last night while watching TV, I had a Swiss Chalet induced epiphany. Unfortunately for Swiss Chalet, the subject of said epiphany was not "Wow, your ribs really are as good as your chicken!", but rather "Holy shit, advertisements today are so bad that I almost want to stop watching Diners, Drive-ins and Dives and go do something productive with my time." While ALMOST is definitely the key word in that phrase (let's be real, Triple D is awesome), the moral of the story is that commercials today are completely and totally terrible. Sure, every once in a while a company like Old Spice churns out a real gem that makes me want to grow a beard just so I can use their aftershave, but lately I keep finding myself wondering how in the world most ad campaigns are even relevant to the product they aim to sell. Take the Swiss Chalet commercial that caused my moment of realization for example.
SCENE: A father and his two children are joyfully decking out their house in Christmas lights when, in a tragic turn of events, they discover that one of the lights has burnt out.
"Oh no!" Father and daughter seem to exclaim through their horrified expressions. "Without a properly functioning strand of lights, the holidays will surely be ruined!" The atmosphere is rife with suspense. Just when it seems that there is no way to salvage the trainwreck that is their festive family activity and that it will surely kick off a downward spiral leading to substance abuse and a broken home, the heroic son whips out a bag of Lindt chocolate balls and chipperly declares "Hey Dad! I found the spares!" Cue smiles all around and a scene cut to an intimate, well-lit family meal at Swiss Chalet, the classiest of cheap family restaurants specializing in the art of rotisserie. All individuals present for the meal are having a blast, when a bag of Lindt balls is whipped out yet again, this time by the father (seriously, where the hell are they getting these from?) "Hey dad," says the cherubic young daughter, "Got any spares?" Boy oh boy, do they ever laugh!
END SCENE.
Now, you might say that that sounds like a nice, heartwarming advertisement to air during the holiday season. Fact: you are so wrong. While the themes of family and food are logical, beyond that the whole thing goes to complete shit. The message of the ad is essentially "Hey! We give out free chocolate! People like chocolate! And we're really sorry about that one time you got food poisoning from our coleslaw!" Thanks, Swiss Chalet. But has it ever occurred to you that if people really loved Lindt balls that much, they could just go buy them at the drug store? Yes, we all love free stuff, but not enough to shell out cash on (occasionally soggy) french fries and deliciously oversalted gravy unless we were already planning on doing so. Also, I'm sorry, but the kids in the commercial are total smartasses. I know their cheeky remarks about "spares" are supposed to be hilarious examples of the wit of children, but all I hear when they open their mouths is maniacal laughter that gives me Nam-like flashbacks to the enemies of my childhood. And folks, it ain't pretty.
To make matters worse, this phenomenon of commercials that are just plain stupid can be seen EVERYWHERE. We live in a society where vaccinations protecting against cervical cancer are encouraged by a chick screaming while she punches through some sort of glass wall, and a soft-speaking woman in a cashmere sweater is known as a sure sign of an accurate pregnancy test. Gum companies are busy either subjecting people to what appear to be weird drug trips (5) or punching people in the gut so they'll have to buy more of the product (Stride). Whether you use tampons in "98 rainbow colours" or ones that are "just plain effective" determines what type of person you are, and the car insurance company you choose will basically change your life. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Now I'm not saying that I could do any better, and I'm sure someone could easily argue that these campaigns raise sales, but please, next time you're watching TV, take in how weird things have gotten. Just humour me.
I question your judgement and brain capacity - how do YOU know if these kids are smartasses? I happen to know both of them and KNOW that they are both great kids - so watch what you say.
ReplyDeleteIt's true that both my judgement and brain capacity are extremely questionable, so I won't argue with that. I apologize if my words offended you or your young friends (who I'm sure really are great kids, I was just commenting on how they come across in the commercial), but if you read my disclaimer or the name of my blog you'll know that I say really stupid things that shouldn't be taken seriously. Reader discretion is strongly advised.
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