Halloween is something that means very different things to people of different ages. To children, it signifies free candy, itchy costumes, and being forced to visit cranky old neighbours who may or may not secretly be evil warlocks. For parents, it entails dropping major billage on costumes that will be destroyed in a matter of hours, making sure kids don’t fatally wound themselves in the process of pumpkin carving, and heavy drinking. In between those two extremes is a form of Halloween that takes the costumes of childhood and the alcohol of parenthood and melds them into one big clusterfuck of inebriation and wardrobe malfunctions. This, my friends, is the Halloween of our generation. In the words of Cady Heron (the protagonist of the classic Lindsay-Lohan-before-she-went-cray flick "Mean Girls"), Halloween is the one time of the year when girls can dress up like sluts and no one can say anything about it. A truer statement has never been uttered. The spectrum of whorish attire available today is pretty impressive to be honest. But unfortunately, for every clever display of skankitude out there, there's a fucked up costume based upon something that should never, EVER, be made slutty ready for purchase just seconds away, and these are the ones I'll be focusing on today. I’ve taken the most cringe inducing costumes I could find without crossing into that weird part of the internet that can’t be unseen and listed them below along with images for your viewing pleasure and descriptions of why I find them so horribly wrong. I also added puntastic pick-up lines that I felt would be appropriate to anyone in the costumes because… Well, I just like puns. You should know that by now! Anyways, here we go...
Offender #1: Slutty Beetlejuice
See it yourself: http://www.buycostumes.com/Beetlejuice-Secret-Wishes-Adult-Costume/803342/ProductDetail.aspx
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Say my name ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Beetlejuice isn’t a sex symbol nor should he ever be. Anyone who is attracted to a girl in this costume would appear to be into necrophilia, pleather and bad haircuts, and as such is probably not the kind of guy you want to be reeling in with your seductive ensemble. Unless you’re into that kind of stuff… In which case I’m mildly uncomfortable with the fact that you’re reading my blog.
Offender #2: Slutty Elvis
See it yourself:
http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+sexy+elvis+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116871
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “You’ve got me all shook up ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: No one should ever have to utter the phrase “Elvis, for the love of God PLEASE get your tits out of my face!” under any circumstances. I know the guy got kind of fat towards the end of his life and hey, there’s nothing wrong with an old dude having man boobs, but that doesn’t mean that I want to be “hound dogged” by the image a girl in a low cut, bedazzled jumpsuit wearing a Pauly-D level amount of hair gel.
Offender #3: Slutty Freddy Krueger
See it yourself: http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+miss+krueger+costume+-+nightmare+on+elm+street.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116871
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “I bet you’ve seen me in your dreams before ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Freddy Krueger is a creepy old dude in a tacky sweater and a weird fedora type thing who enjoys killing teens (who for some reason lack really basic survival skills) in their sleep. If that was an eHarmony profile, something tells me the guy would not be swimming in women. But okay, maybe turning it into a slutty costume for girls will make it better! Let’s see… Tacky sweater… Weird fedora… Air of pedophilia… Nope, still not sexy. Maybe try being slutty Jason Voorhees instead: wear the mask and nothing else.
Offender #4: Slutty Clown
See it yourself: http://www.buycostumes.com/Giggles-The-Sexy-Clown-Adult-Costume/803075/ProductDetail.aspx
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “I’ll take you to the greatest show on earth ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: The name of the costume is "Giggles the Sexy Clown". If that's not fucked up, I don't know what is. But the real reason I despise this costume is runs deeper than this: I just really, really hate clowns. I’m convinced that all their makeup and wigs and freaky big shoes are used for the sole purpose of covering up the pure evil that lurks within them. No sane person is THAT happy. Also one of them squirted me with one of those stupid fake flowers when I was five and I still resent their entire race because of it. Just sayin'.
Offender #5: Slutty Panda
See it yourself: http://www.spirithalloween.com/product/la-playful-panda-adult-sm-md/
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Want to see my bamboobs? ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Pandas are adorable and shouldn’t be corrupted. Simple as that. Also Ling Ling would be ashamed to witness such a disgrace and NO ONE fucks with Ling Ling.
Offender #6: Slutty Gnome
See it yourself: http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+sexy+gnome+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116855
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Hey baby,*insert generic innuendo here*, gnome what I’m saying? ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Gnomes are supposed to be jolly, rotund, and bearded. Does the statement “Yo man, I got with this really hot gnome last night!” sound right to you? No. Gnomes belong exclusively in gardens and in Travelocity commercials. Please keep them out of bars and the bedroom.
Offender #7: Whatever the fuck this is.
http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+galactic+beauty+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116855
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: I honestly can’t think of one since I have yet to figure out what the hell this thing is supposed to be.
Why it shouldn’t exist: It looks like a hybrid of a seamonkey and a stripper and will undoubtedly haunt my nightmares for years to come. Seriously though, what the hell is it??
Offender #8: Slutty Edward Scissorhands
See it yourself: http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+edward+scissorhands+miss+scissorhands+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116871
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Don’t let looks deceive you, I’m VERY good with my hands ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Like with the Beetlejuice costume, anyone dressed up as slutty Edward Scissorhands just isn’t going to attract the right kind of people. The fact that the same pleather boots are featured with both costumes speaks volumes, as does the fact that Tim Burton directed both movies and is arguably the creepiest dude ever. If all of that isn’t enough to persuade you that this costume is a horrible idea, please just pause for a second and think about how challenging it would be to use the bathroom while wearing those gloves.
Offender #9: Slutty Catman (from KISS)
See it yourself: http://www.amazingpartystore.com/storefront/productdetail.aspx?idproduct=93974&idcategory=3169
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Want to rock and roll all night? ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Cover up the model’s head. Now uncover it. Now cover it again. Now uncover it again. It looks like someone popped the head off of a Catman doll from the 80s and stuck it onto a limited edition 50 Shades of Grey Barbie. It just ain’t right. On that note, if 50 Shades of Grey Barbie is an actual thing I genuinely fear for today’s children.
So ladies (and cross-dressing gentlemen), when you’re hoe-ing it up before whatever costume extravaganzas you may be going to in the near future, please keep this list of atrocities in mind. If you happen to be putting one on, think twice. Then three times. And if you still think it’s a good idea please contact me so I can peer pressure you into being a slutty cat or something instead. Happy Halloween!
