Ever since Snow White and the Seven Dwarves first came out in 1937, the Disney princesses have been prominent figures in the childhoods of young girls (and boys!) all over the world. They represent a form of life that seems to be directly out of a dream; opulence, glamour, cheery little animal companions and the perfect man. What could be better? And they do more than just embody this ideal: they serve as role models. And that’s totally fair, right? They’re powerful women who get to live out their dreams, that’s a great thing for children to aspire to! Well, here’s the thing. When you look past the glass slippers and the ballgowns, the fact of that matter is that nearly all of the Disney princesses possess some pretty significant character flaws. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe. They’re supposed to be perfect! But newsflash: no one is perfect. Not even someone with a fairy godmother or a magical singing voice. Still in denial? Take a gander below where I’ve broken down the often overlooked issues with each of five popular princesses. I apologize in advance for ruining your childhood.
Case 1: Belle
Flaw: Pretty dumb for a smart girl.
In case any of you have forgotten how exactly Belle came to be imprisoned by the Beast, here’s a refresher. Belle’s father, Maurice, stumbles upon the Beast’s castle and is immediately taken captive. Maurice’s horse, being the freaky-smart Disney animal that he is, travels back to the village and leads Belle to where her father is being held. She then proceeds to offer herself as captive in his place. A truly courageous, gallant act, I know. But when you think about it, also kinda dumb. At the beginning of the movie, we learn some important facts about Belle. The first is that she’s incredibly smart. She reads, and in the context of the Disney universe that basically makes her a Nobel laureate. The second thing we learn is that every guy ever is totally in love with her. When she walks down the street, windows fly open and men call out to greet her while their wives slave away in the kitchen and call her a whore. She’s the pride and joy of the village! People would do anything for her! That being said, as a single female, Belle has many men looking to secure her hand in marriage. Many big, strong men who are willing to do anything to win her affection… Hm, think they could have helped her get her dad back without her having to take his place as prisoner? I would say so! Think about the mob that Gaston brings to kill the Beast at the end of the movie. Belle easily could have had that on her side, but instead she chooses to follow her father’s horse into a spooky forest all alone and to enter the big, sketchy castle. If she’s actually as smart as she’s made out to be, why the hell didn’t she just ask someone for help? We get it Belle, you’re a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man, but there’s no shame in asking for some help in a dire situation. I mean yeah, Gaston is a huge douche, but homie is beefy as HELL. And if you’re worried about him getting handsy enroute to the rescue, just ask some other people to come along. It’s a simple solution, and if the plan succeeded it would allow you to steer clear of the beastiality allegations you’ll likely face for the rest of your life. Is your pride really so great that you refuse to ask for help even if it means ensuring your father’s safety? Like I said, Belle, you’re pretty dumb for a smart girl.
Case 2: Ariel
Flaw: Straight-up cray cray.
Ariel is probably one of the most popular Disney princesses, likely because of the fact that she’s a mermaid. When you’re a little girl, mermaids are the bomb dot com. Back in the day, I used to pretend to be a mermaid every single time I went swimming. I fantasized about being just like Ariel; what could be better than being able to breathe underwater and fill out a seashell bra? Sadly, I can only do one of those things today (as to which one it is, the answer may surprise you), but I’m not too heartbroken since I’ve come to a very important realization: Ariel was batshit insane. When you really think about it, all of her endearing mermaid quirks wouldn’t be so endearing in real life. Right off the bat, we receive a red flag about Ariel when we enter her secret lair. There’s stuff EVERYWHERE. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see it on an episode of Hoarding: Buried Alive. I understand collecting things recreationally, but this is some next level stuff and the fact that she feels the need to hide it speaks volumes. If her hoarding isn’t enough to call her sanity into question, her infatuation with Prince Eric definitely is. She first spots him from afar while lurking in the water near his ship, and is immediately DTF even though I’m pretty sure mermaids don’t have the necessary lady parts for that. In a dramatic turn of events, a storm destroys the prince’s ship, and Ariel rushes to save him. Then she sings to him while he’s unconscious… Because that’s not weird or anything. Anyways, after returning to her home in the sea, Ariel presumably builds a shrine to the object of her new obsession and decides that she must become a part of his world through any means necessary. This naturally translates into her giving up her voice in order to transform into a human and go ashore. Great idea, Ariel! Why would you ever need to talk to Prince Eric in order to get him to fall in love with you? A single look should be enough! …And to think her plight on land is supposed to be tragic and surprising. She seriously had it coming. Yes, in the Disney adaptation of the story she ultimately lives happily ever with the prince, so her sacrifice isn’t for naught. But in the more realistic, original version of the story, she ends up getting her heart broken and turning into seafoam. It’s a sad turn of fate, but don’t worry, her spirit lives on through the Overly Attached Girlfriend meme. The moral of the story here? Bitches be CRAZY.
Case 3: Pocahontas
Flaw: Daddy issues.
Pocahontas is a pretty special gal. She often hears wolves cry to the blue corn moon; she can sing with all the voices of the mountain; she can paint with all the colours of the wind… Oh, and she has MAD daddy issues. Now, I’m sure any of you who are faithful fans of the movie will be quick to point out that Pocahontas has a very valid reason to resent her father; she fears that he will force her to wed Kocoum, a man with whom she feels she isn’t compatible. Don’t get me wrong, that’s totally fair. I too would be pretty damn peeved if I thought my dad was going to marry me off to some guy who couldn’t keep his hands off of his spear (Ha! Penis joke!). But I think there’s more to the story than that. When Pocahontas was young, her mother passed away, leaving her father to raise her on his own. This responsibility of his was complicated by the fact that he also happened to be the powerful chief of their tribe, and therefore a very busy man. Thus, Pocahontas didn’t get enough attention from her pops as she struggled with the trials and tribulations of young adulthood (ie. Shopping for her first deerskin bra), and naturally she developed the urge to rebel and make him notice her. And what better way to do that then to fervently reject his choice of suitor and instead chase after John Smith, a foreigner with big guns and also weapons? Clearly befriending a raccoon and talking to a tree wasn’t cutting it, so she needed to go big or go home. Her plan works a little too well and soon her new romance starts an all-out war. Kocoum is the first casualty, leading Papa Chief to arrange the execution of Pocahontas’ man-love. This is the perfect situation for our heroine to gain her father’s attention, so of course she screams and shouts and lets it all out until he decides to spare John’s life out of love for his daughter. Somehow during the hubbub John ends up getting shot anyways, but we know that his wound isn’t fatal because only parents die in Disney movies. Unfortunately, he’s forced to return to his home in England to receive medical help, separating him from Pocahontas, but before shit can get TOO sad, Papa Chief makes the beautiful gesture of telling John that he is welcome back at any time, a sentiment that is seconded by Pocahontas. Aw, ain’t that sweet? Well, it is until you think about what will probably happen next in the series of events. My predictions:
1. John Smith goes back to England, tells everyone about how the crazy natives tried to kill him, and never returns to the New World.
2. Pocahontas decides that she hates him anyways because her dad seems to like him now, and instead mourns the death of her “true love” Kocoum.
3. Papa Chief distributes blankets that were given to him as a gift from John Smith. Everyone gets smallpox.
And they lived happily ever after!
Case 4: Cinderella
Flaw: Never defended herself.
Poor Cinderella, her life went to crap in the blink of an eye. She was once the happy and well-loved daughter of a nobleman, but her father’s untimely death left her at the hands of her insanely bitchy stepmother and her nightmarish daughters. The trio subjected sweet little Cindy to the most cruel of treatments, forcing her to cook and clean and wear boring clothing. They even let their asshole of a cat (conveniently named Lucifer… what are you hinting at, Walt?) screw with her and her anthropomorphic mice friends. What nerve! But as bad as I feel for Cinderella, there’s one thing that really bothers me: she never sticks up for herself. She takes SO much shit from her stepmonster and stepsisters (possibly even literally, chamber pots were still a thing back then) and doesn’t say a word. And here’s the thing: she 100% has the right to stick up for herself. These betches are living in her house, spending her money, and yet ordering her around. What’s up with that? Instead of mopping their floors and mending their ballgowns, she should’ve just yelled “FUCK ALL Y’ALL”, flipped them the double bird, and contacted whatever sort of law enforcement magical kingdoms have to get them kicked out of her house. Or at the very least, she should have spit in their food or wiped her ass with their pillowcases. It’s the little things that matter! Even when the prince’s posse comes to her house with her lost slipper, she’s pretty much a doormat. When her stepmonster realizes that she’s the woman the prince is searching for and locks her away so he can’t find her, she doesn’t put up a fight. C’mon Cindy, an uppercut to the nose or a swift kick in the ovaries is all you need to be with your true love! Or you could’ve just screamed and banged on the door or something, chances are that one of the royal peeps would have heard and investigated. But no, Cinderella’s happily ever after is repeatedly salvaged not by her, but by the clever and swift action of her animal friends. Yes, I’m still weirded out by the fact that the mice have clothing, but hey, there’s no denying that they’re smart. And unlike a certain princess, they’re actually willing to take initiative. Hopefully marrying Prince Charming allowed her to finally grow a pair.
Case 5: Snow White
Flaw: Really, REALLY poor judgement.
Ah, Snow White. So sweet, so innocent, and so very pale (I feel you, girl. I feel you.) Snow reminds me a bit of the chick from Mean Girls who wishes she could make a cake out of rainbows and smiles. All she wants is for the world to be a super duper hippity-happy place, and not even her royal beeyotch of a stepmother can get her down. You can’t help but admire the girl’s optimism, but her tendency to always look on the bright side lies at the root of her biggest flaw: extremely poor judgement. Her belief in the good in everyone repeatedly gets her into trouble. First off, when Queen B (note: not referring to Beyonce) sends a huntsman to take her into the forest and hack out her heart with an axe, she willingly goes with him. And he wasn’t even that good looking! Luckily, the huntsman decides that he simply cannot obey Queen B’s orders because of Snow’s “kindness” (translation: she had a nice rack), but before you know it she’s doing stupid shit again. Let me ask you a question: you’re a single, attractive female in an isolated section of the woods. You come across an empty cabin with seven tiny chairs, beds, etc. Do you assume that the cabin belongs to a group of sweet little orphans and immediately proceed to clean their home and take a nap, hoping that they’ll be pleased to discover your presence? Hell no. You get your ass out of that creepy little house and flee as fast as you can. Or AT LEAST hide behind a tree and wait until the inhabitants come home so you know what you’re dealing with. Fortunately, Snow once again lucks out and finds the homeowners to be a jovial group of dwarves. What a relief! Wait… they’re all men… and she’s a hottie… and alone in the woods… Girl, get out of there! They may be small, but if they teamed up they could overpower you. I know their beds say “Sneezy” and “Dopey”, but for all you know they should really say “Pervy” and “Gropey”. Sounds to me like an episode of Criminal Minds just waiting to happen. But yet again, Snow’s poor judgement has no consequences; the dwarves prove to be swell little guys. By this time you kind of just want something to go terribly wrong for her so you can feel better about yourself. Cue the poisoned apple. I’m sorry, but I have zero sympathy for Snow White in this particular situation. If a freaky old lady in a cloak comes up to you and offers you fruit, DO NOT TAKE IT. That’s like passing by an angry meth-addict lurking in a dark alleyway and asking to borrow their needle. There’s literally no way that it can go well. But somehow, for Snow, it does: after falling into a deep sleep (dying…?) as a result of the apple, she wakes up to a hunky prince standing over her bed. REALLY? She can go into a friggin’ coma and things will STILL turn out well? Damn, this chick should buy a lottery ticket. Or maybe I’ll just have to start using poor judgement and see if a prince shows up over my bed… See, THIS IS WHY THE DISNEY PRINCESSES ARE BAD ROLE MODELS!
Perhaps what I have said is harsh. Okay, it’s definitely harsh. I’m sure that the wonderful people at Disney had no intent of brainwashing young girls into idolizing deeply flawed individuals or anything of the sort. That would just be silly! Although it’s actually a well-known fact that Disney used to produce propaganda back in the day… And there are some pretty sinister rumors about the head mouse himself… Oh god. I have some animal movies to dissect. I have a feeling that something at the heart of the Lion King is responsible for everything that is wrong with me. But that’s beside the point. Regardless of whether or not Disney is secretly evil, one thing is for sure: its princesses aren’t going anywhere. And despite their issues, I’m totally okay with that. Like I said before, nobody’s perfect, so why should our idols be? The lesson at the heart of their stories is an important one: despite our flaws, our dreams can still come true. And we can live happily, although imperfectly, ever after.
THE END
