Ladies, we’ve all been there. You’re getting ready for some event; perhaps a night on the town, a job interview, or dinner with friends. After tossing on your ensemble for the occasion, you give yourself the ol’ once-over in the mirror, and a habitual question crosses your mind: do I look slutty in this? It is a thought that has plagued womankind seemingly since the beginning of time; indeed, historians have discovered a series of runes that appear to portray a cavewoman pondering whether or not her new pelt left enough to the imagination. Despite its persistence through time, however, the answer still isn’t a simple one to ascertain. There are many factors at play when determining an outfit’s sluttiness, and many go beyond the simple realm of tits and ass. But fear not, my friends, for I have a solution to this predicament. I present to you… The Slut Scale! The system is as follows: in order to determine an outfit’s sluttiness, just look through the list below and add up the points listed beside any relevant items. After calculating your score, find the corresponding level on the Slut Scale (found beneath the list) and you’ll have your simple answer to the age old question of “to slut, or not to slut.” Shall we begin?
DISCLAIMER: I want to make it very clear that my intention in writing this is to amuse, not to offend. I am by no means attempting to “slut shame” or insinuate that females shouldn’t dress a certain way in any way shape or form. I am a firm believer that all women should be able to dress however they want without fear of being assessed or judged for it by their peers, and the last thing I would want is for this to be perceived as an attack on feminism or anything of the sort. This is not meant to provide people with a means by which to criticize others for their wardrobe or lifestyle choices. Like I said, this is all supposed to be in good fun. I apologize if I anger anyone with what I say, that isn’t what I’m trying to do! Peace and love etc. Now, onto the Slut Scale…
1. Cleavage: Based upon percentage of visible boob
a) 0-20%: 0 points.
b) 21-30%: 1 point.
c) 31-40%: 2 points.
d) 41-50%: 3 points.
e) Over 51%: 4 points. Sidenote: are you even wearing a shirt?
2. Midriff: Based on amount shown. If midriff is exposed due to a sheer shirt, deduct one point from the score that corresponds to that level of exposure.
a) Smallish strip of skin exposed between pants and shirt: 1 point.
b) Medium strip of skin exposed beginning just above the bellybutton and ending where pants are: 3 points.
c) Large strip of exposed skin from beneath the bra line to where pants are: 4 points.
3. Ass (through tight pants or skirt): 1 point if opaque, 2 if see-through.
4. Ass (falling out of shorts or skirt): 4 points.
5. Side boob: 3 points.
6. Underboob: 4 points.
7. Nips: Depends how cold it is. Nah, I’m kidding, let’s say 4 points if you live in the 21st century or 2 points if you happen to be from the cast of Friends (seriously, did bras not exist in the 90s?)
8. Leather: 1 point for every leather item, 3 points if the fit of the item is akin to that of spandex.
9. Heels between 0-2 inches: 0 points. But let’s not kid ourselves, no one under the age of 40 wears heels that small anyways…
10. Heels between 2 and 4 inches: 1 point.
11. Heels between 4-6 inches: 2 points.
12. Heels over 6 inches: 3 points.
13. Knee high boots: 0 points if worn with pants, 1 point if worn with a short skirt or shorts. Note: points must also be added for height of heel.
14. Thigh high boots: 2 points if worn with pants, 3 points if worn with a short skirt or shorts. As with the knee high boots, points must also be added for height of heel.
15. Red lipstick by itself: 1 point.
16. Smokey eye makeup by itself: 1 point.
17. Red lipstick and smokey eye makeup worn in combination: 3 points.
18. Vaginal visibility: 0 points if unintentional (ie. Camel toe caused by riding up of undergarments that is soon discreetly fixed on a trip to the washroom), 5 points if intentional (ie. “I’m not wearing panties under this breezy skirt because I YOLO like that!”).
19. Thong/g-string straps visible: 0 points if you’re an extra in the music video for Sisqo’s “Thong Song”, 4 points if you’re anyone else.
20. Backless: If backless to just below shoulder blades, 1 point. A little further? 2 points. Backless to just above the ass? 4 points.
21. Lacy and/or colourful and/or bedazzled bra visible through shirt: 2 points.
22. Blatant possession of Daddy Issues: 5 points.
23. Cardigan: deduct 2 point if it is unbuttoned but does a bit of concealing, and 3 points if it is buttoned up enough to achieve a slight air of class.
24. Properly concealed undergarments: Deduct 2 points.
So, how did you score? Read on…
0-5 points: Level 1 - NOT SLUTTY
Congrats, you don’t look slutty! Scoring in this range means that, except for in a few cases of odd scoring (ie. You score 4 points and all 4 are because your thong is waving hello to the world), your outfit is acceptable for a day out and about in the public eye at the very least and a formal brunch with your grandparents at the very most. You’re totally wearing a cardigan, aren’t you? Those things work wonders.
6-9 points: Level 2 - SUGGESTIVE
Scoring in this range means that your outfit has a bit of sex appeal to it, but it’s not in your face. It’s socially acceptable in most settings in the evening, but maybe not during the daylight hours. Your ensemble is provocative, but classy nonetheless.
10-15 points: Level 3 - A LITTLE BIT SLUTTY
Okay, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but if you score in this range you’re starting to look a little bit slutty. I mean, you look totally hot, but I can see a few more parts of you than I should ideally be able to see. But hey, if you’re okay with that and have the intention of flaunting some of your biznaz for everyone to see, then the power to you!
16-25 points: Level 4 - SLUTTY
If you scored in this range, I honestly think Julia Roberts wore more clothing than you’re currently wearing while filming the movie Pretty Woman. And that’s before meeting Richard Gere’s character, not after. Honey, you look like a slut. I’m willing to let it slide this one time, but maybe buy a shirt that looks a bit less like dental floss the next time you go shopping, okay?
25+: Level 5 - WAIT, ARE YOU NAKED?
Yikes. Is that your…? Oh god, please put on some more substantial clothing, people are eating in here and there’s no way that’s sanitary! I just want to give you a turtleneck and a hug. Well, maybe not the hug, I don’t want to brush up against anything that should really just be between you and your general practitioner. Maybe I’ll give you a Bible instead? I’m not even a tiny bit religious but for some reason that seems like a good idea. In the words of Hamlet, to a nunnery, go!
So there you have it: The Slut Scale. Admittedly the logic and calculation methods behind it are primitive at best, but it should still give you a fair estimate as to the appropriateness of any given outfit. But remember, my intention here was to amuse, so naturally none of this should be taken too seriously. Just keep doing you, gurlz! Unless you actually think my poorly-crafted system produces somewhat accurate results… In that case, bring on my Nobel Prize in Slut Studies! That’ll look great on a resume.
Tuesday 28 May 2013
Wednesday 8 May 2013
If the Toronto Maple Leafs were members of the Fellowship of the Ring.
One Cup to rule them all…
As a Canadian, I’ve been exposed to hockey pretty much ever since my cells started to multiply. But to be honest, I never really gave a damn about the sport until this season when my home team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, miraculously pulled their heads out of their asses and actually started doing well after years of being the butt of basically every hockey joke ever. Suddenly, I’m riveted by the whole shebang. The proof: I’m currently coated in a cold layer of sweat after watching game four of the playoffs against Boston. Anyone who knows me well will probably be quick to point out that I sweat pretty much all the time, but I swear that this is a different kind of sweat: the sweat of a hockey fan (I know I’m not a real fan, just let me tell myself what I need to tell myself). Now, I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to the actual game, I have no idea what I’m talking about. I understand the basics of course, but when people start speaking in technical terms, they completely lose me. But I'm not a completely lost cause: I've experienced the wide spectrum of feelings associated with the game (anxiety, glee, sadness, indigestion), and I’m starting to learn a fair amount about some of the players. And this is what has brought me here today. While I was watching the three-hour long stressfest that was tonight’s game, I realized something: the social dynamics among the Leafs are totally similar to those within the Fellowship from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I know that that’s probably the weirdest connection I could possibly draw, but I swear it actually makes sense. Each character from the Fellowship has a kindred spirit in one of the Leafs, and the parallel can even be extended to their Boston nemeses. Just humour me for a minute, and I’ll explain my logic. Let’s start with Frodo…
FRODO- Dion Phaneuf
Phaneuf is the captain of the Leafs, just like Frodo is the “leader” of the Fellowship. But despite their leadership positions, both Phaneuf and Frodo have a tendency to fuck things up. Their hearts are in the right place, but sometimes you can’t help but wish that they would just sit down and stay out of trouble while someone else does their job for them. Luckily, both Phaneuf and Frodo have faithful companions to clean up their messes. Otherwise, they would be in for a thorough ass-whooping.
SAM- James van Riemsdyk
JVR is relatively new to the Leafs, just like Sam is to the world of adventure. But despite having less experience than some of their peers, JVR and Sam are incredibly loyal to their friends (or teammates) and summon the courage to aid them in their quest however they can. Their dedication is vital to the overall success of their respective groups, and they are known to be very reliable.
GANDALF- James Reimer
Both Gandalf and Reimer function as the glue that holds their team together. When things REALLY go to shit, the wizard and the goalie are always there to save the day (or goal). Also, Gandalf’s infamous “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” is undeniably applicable in Reimer’s position as well.
ARAGORN- Nazem Kadri
Aragorn and Kadri are definitely two of the most important members of their respective groups. Both are incredibly talented, and while they may not be official leaders, they don’t hesitate to guide their companions when needed and to go after what they want when an opportunity presents itself. They’re proactive individuals and don’t hesitate to jump on the offensive, but they also function really well as units within a team. Their versatile nature is their most positive attribute.
LEGOLAS- Mikhail Grabovski
Legolas and Grabovski are what I refer to as slippery snakes. They possess remarkable skill with their chosen weapons, the bow and the hockey stick, and their agility allows them to weave in and out of enemies with ease. These dudes have major finesse; they make every one of their actions look good. And let’s not forget the long, majestic blond flow that Grabovski used to have. It’s like he took a page straight out of Legolas’ style book.
BOROMIR- Colton Orr
Boromir and Orr are hot tempered and quick to get into fights, and at times this tendency can interfere with the goals they’re supposed to be pursuing as part of a team. They’re both strong-willed as well as physically strong, and upon doing a Google image comparison they even kind of look alike. Well, they’re both tall and blond and that’s enough for me. U mad?
GIMLI- Phil Kessel
Both Gimli and Kessel are stocky, powerful firecrackers who are always eager to get in on the action or take charge. If only Kessel’s beard was just a few feet longer and a bit more red… I would totally be able to use #twinning in a justifiable context.
MERRY AND PIPPIN- Joffrey Lupul and Tyler Bozak
Like Merry and Pippin, Lupul and Bozak make an unreal team. The two constantly play off each other, and make it possible to do things that neither could accomplish on their own. I was tempted to put Lupul down as Legolas because they both have crazy dreamy eyes, but the camaraderie between him and Bozak was the clincher here. Dare I call it a bromance? I’m not sure. But regardless, Merry and Pippin and Lupul and Bozak show that sometimes, two is indeed better than one.
And now for the bad guys… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw
SAURON- Tuukka Rask
Rask seems like an unlikely match with the epitome of evil that is Sauron, but when you think about it, the goalie is ultimately the final obstacle between the Leafs and success. Like Sauron, he must be defeated in order for the grand quest to finally be successful, or, in the case of hockey, for a goal to be scored. And if you sort of squint, Rask’s helmet kind of makes him look like a giant eye… Just kind of.
GOLLUM- Zdeno Chara
Chara just looks like Gollum. Plain and simple. Also, both Chara and Gollum are ANNOYING AS FUCK. Boom. Roasted. (My apologies to Chara and his family. But cmon, it's not my fault he's so Gollumy!)
So, have I convinced you? I’m guessing not, since my limited knowledge of hockey probably means that 90% of the things I’ve stated are wrong. But hey, I tried my best, and I hope that at the very least my misinformed musings have provided Leaf fans with something to dull the lingering pain from tonight’s game. On that note, it's time for some motivation! Keep your chins up, folks: you need to have faith in the Fellowship of the hockey world. The good guys in stories always win; let’s just hope that trend translates into the real world. UNTIL GAME FIVE, BOSTON. Until. Game. Five.
As a Canadian, I’ve been exposed to hockey pretty much ever since my cells started to multiply. But to be honest, I never really gave a damn about the sport until this season when my home team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, miraculously pulled their heads out of their asses and actually started doing well after years of being the butt of basically every hockey joke ever. Suddenly, I’m riveted by the whole shebang. The proof: I’m currently coated in a cold layer of sweat after watching game four of the playoffs against Boston. Anyone who knows me well will probably be quick to point out that I sweat pretty much all the time, but I swear that this is a different kind of sweat: the sweat of a hockey fan (I know I’m not a real fan, just let me tell myself what I need to tell myself). Now, I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to the actual game, I have no idea what I’m talking about. I understand the basics of course, but when people start speaking in technical terms, they completely lose me. But I'm not a completely lost cause: I've experienced the wide spectrum of feelings associated with the game (anxiety, glee, sadness, indigestion), and I’m starting to learn a fair amount about some of the players. And this is what has brought me here today. While I was watching the three-hour long stressfest that was tonight’s game, I realized something: the social dynamics among the Leafs are totally similar to those within the Fellowship from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I know that that’s probably the weirdest connection I could possibly draw, but I swear it actually makes sense. Each character from the Fellowship has a kindred spirit in one of the Leafs, and the parallel can even be extended to their Boston nemeses. Just humour me for a minute, and I’ll explain my logic. Let’s start with Frodo…
FRODO- Dion Phaneuf
Phaneuf is the captain of the Leafs, just like Frodo is the “leader” of the Fellowship. But despite their leadership positions, both Phaneuf and Frodo have a tendency to fuck things up. Their hearts are in the right place, but sometimes you can’t help but wish that they would just sit down and stay out of trouble while someone else does their job for them. Luckily, both Phaneuf and Frodo have faithful companions to clean up their messes. Otherwise, they would be in for a thorough ass-whooping.
SAM- James van Riemsdyk
JVR is relatively new to the Leafs, just like Sam is to the world of adventure. But despite having less experience than some of their peers, JVR and Sam are incredibly loyal to their friends (or teammates) and summon the courage to aid them in their quest however they can. Their dedication is vital to the overall success of their respective groups, and they are known to be very reliable.
GANDALF- James Reimer
Both Gandalf and Reimer function as the glue that holds their team together. When things REALLY go to shit, the wizard and the goalie are always there to save the day (or goal). Also, Gandalf’s infamous “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” is undeniably applicable in Reimer’s position as well.
ARAGORN- Nazem Kadri
Aragorn and Kadri are definitely two of the most important members of their respective groups. Both are incredibly talented, and while they may not be official leaders, they don’t hesitate to guide their companions when needed and to go after what they want when an opportunity presents itself. They’re proactive individuals and don’t hesitate to jump on the offensive, but they also function really well as units within a team. Their versatile nature is their most positive attribute.
LEGOLAS- Mikhail Grabovski
Legolas and Grabovski are what I refer to as slippery snakes. They possess remarkable skill with their chosen weapons, the bow and the hockey stick, and their agility allows them to weave in and out of enemies with ease. These dudes have major finesse; they make every one of their actions look good. And let’s not forget the long, majestic blond flow that Grabovski used to have. It’s like he took a page straight out of Legolas’ style book.
BOROMIR- Colton Orr
Boromir and Orr are hot tempered and quick to get into fights, and at times this tendency can interfere with the goals they’re supposed to be pursuing as part of a team. They’re both strong-willed as well as physically strong, and upon doing a Google image comparison they even kind of look alike. Well, they’re both tall and blond and that’s enough for me. U mad?
GIMLI- Phil Kessel
Both Gimli and Kessel are stocky, powerful firecrackers who are always eager to get in on the action or take charge. If only Kessel’s beard was just a few feet longer and a bit more red… I would totally be able to use #twinning in a justifiable context.
MERRY AND PIPPIN- Joffrey Lupul and Tyler Bozak
Like Merry and Pippin, Lupul and Bozak make an unreal team. The two constantly play off each other, and make it possible to do things that neither could accomplish on their own. I was tempted to put Lupul down as Legolas because they both have crazy dreamy eyes, but the camaraderie between him and Bozak was the clincher here. Dare I call it a bromance? I’m not sure. But regardless, Merry and Pippin and Lupul and Bozak show that sometimes, two is indeed better than one.
And now for the bad guys… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw
SAURON- Tuukka Rask
Rask seems like an unlikely match with the epitome of evil that is Sauron, but when you think about it, the goalie is ultimately the final obstacle between the Leafs and success. Like Sauron, he must be defeated in order for the grand quest to finally be successful, or, in the case of hockey, for a goal to be scored. And if you sort of squint, Rask’s helmet kind of makes him look like a giant eye… Just kind of.
GOLLUM- Zdeno Chara
Chara just looks like Gollum. Plain and simple. Also, both Chara and Gollum are ANNOYING AS FUCK. Boom. Roasted. (My apologies to Chara and his family. But cmon, it's not my fault he's so Gollumy!)
So, have I convinced you? I’m guessing not, since my limited knowledge of hockey probably means that 90% of the things I’ve stated are wrong. But hey, I tried my best, and I hope that at the very least my misinformed musings have provided Leaf fans with something to dull the lingering pain from tonight’s game. On that note, it's time for some motivation! Keep your chins up, folks: you need to have faith in the Fellowship of the hockey world. The good guys in stories always win; let’s just hope that trend translates into the real world. UNTIL GAME FIVE, BOSTON. Until. Game. Five.
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