Every sixty seconds, someone falls victim to a Facebook creep. Recent studies have shown that the number of creeping incidents reported per day is increasing rapidly, and scientists believe that if the pattern continues, drastic measures of national defense may need to be taken. Tentative evidence even suggests that Facebook Creeping lies at the root of climate change and world hunger, and may have been responsible for Amelia Earhart’s mysterious disappearance over the Pacific Ocean in 1937.
…Okay, I might have made some of that up. But I’m currently in a crowded lecture and at least a quarter of the people I can see from where I’m sitting are lurking “The Facebook”, so I can’t be THAT wrong. When all of my maybe-true-maybe-false statistics are set aside, the fact of the matter is that every single Facebook user creeps at one point or another. If you deny it, you, Sir (or Madame), are a liar. I’m sure at least one person reading this will be quick to object, but I’m sticking to my guns. That being said, I have a caveat that may appease any doubters, and that caveat is that there are actually several different stages of Facebook creeping. Four, to be exact. Using the extremely precise scientific process that allowed me to obtain the highly factual information in my introduction, I have determined the characteristics of each of these four stages, and summarized them for educational purposes. Man, academic journals are going to be all over this! Anyways, read on, and prepare to start feeling self-conscious every time you’re online.
Stage 1 Creeping
It’s pretty much impossible to log on to Facebook without engaging in Stage 1 Creeping. If Facebook was a pool, Stage 1 Creeping would be akin to dipping your toes in on a hot summer’s day. The stage is characterised by casual scrolling through the news feed, perhaps with occasional pauses for the purpose of enlarging a popular picture, watching a viral video, or reading someone’s status.pausing occasionally to look at particularly intriguing posts or to enlarge a picture, but predominately just skimming. Since the Stage 1 Creep just skims through their feed, minimal clicking takes place, with the exception of the occasional liking of or commenting upon things posted by close friends. The average Stage 1 Creeping session lasts for approximately 5-10 minutes.
Stage 2 Creeping
Stage 2 Creeping is a step up from Stage 1, but is still socially acceptable. Going back to the pool metaphor, it’s the equivalent of wading in the shallow end. Stage 2 involves the liking and commenting mentioned in Stage 1, but these actions extend outside of the realm of people who you are good friends with. Perhaps you like the new profile picture or status update of someone you haven’t talked to in years or who you have only met once. Stage 2 could also entail flipping through someone’s entire album out of boredom, but only if it’s on your newsfeed. That’s the key to Stage 2: The “I saw it on my homepage!” defense still holds true and is admissible in a court of law. The average Stage 2 Creeping session lasts from 15-30 minutes.
Stage 3 Creeping
Stage 3 is the level of creeping where things start to get a little iffy. Almost everyone engages in these behaviours, but they’re still taboo so most people will deny them in order to avoid judgement. Stage 3 Creeping is like swimming around in the deep end of the pool while keeping your head above the water. Characteristic activities include going through the profile pictures of someone you know, looking at up to fifteen of their tagged photos, or scrolling through the most recent month of their timeline. These activities may be triggered by clicking on something on your newsfeed, but they cannot be classified as Stage 2 behaviours since they ultimately take place on a specific person’s profile. Stage 3 creeping sessions last an average of 45 minutes to 1 hour, and generally involve the lurking of multiple individual’s profiles. The “I saw it on my homepage!” defense is no longer admissible in a court of law.
Stage 4 Creeping
Stage 4 Creeping is often caused by extreme boredom and/or sociopathic tendencies and is synonymous with the colloquial term “Facebook Stalking”. At this point, you’re doing a big ol’ cannonball into the pool and sinking to the very bottom, possibly urinating in the process. Listed below are some of the most common activities associated with Stage 4 Creeping. If only one or two of them are exhibited, then the Creeping Episode is classified as a low-grade one. An episode is classified as extreme if three or more are exhibited and the creeping spans across several profiles.
1. Going through 20 or more of someone’s tagged photos.
2. Looking through an album that is more than a month old and not located on the newsfeed.
3. Clicking on the “Likes” section of someone’s profile and actually looking at stuff.
4. Scrolling through a minimum of one year of a person’s timeline (or any section of the timeline that is more than two years old).
5. Browsing through someone’s “Friends”.
6. Clicking on the “Map” section of their profile. (Sidenote: If you’re the type of person who signs in to their gym on Facebook every time they go, I hope people Stage 4 Creep you so you’re judged accordingly.)
7. Looking through someone’s “About” section and using any links to their Twitter/Instagram/Pinterest/LinkedIn/Neopets accounts for further creeping purposes.
8. Doing anything else that calls the expression “Stranger Danger” to mind.
Any of the behaviours listed in Stage 3 are also classified as Stage 4 behaviours if they take place on the profile of someone who you don’t actually have as a Facebook Friend. Let’s be real, we’ve all done it. Wait… You haven’t? Oh. Um, neither have I! That would be totally weird. Haha! Ha… Anyways. Stage 4 Creeping episodes can last anywhere from an hour to a lifetime (I’m looking at you, dudes who message pickup lines to girls they don’t know), and the “I saw it on my homepage!” defense DEFINITELY doesn’t hold true. Which is unfortunate, because if anyone’s going to be at the bad side of a lawsuit, it’s going to be a Stage 4 Creeper.
So there you have it: the four stages of Facebook creeping. Now, you might be thinking to yourself “This is the least accurate thing I’ve ever read, where did this girl get her facts from?” Well, let me tell you: I got them from some random person’s “About Me” section. PLOT TWIST! Nah, I’m just kidding. I obviously used science, didn’t you read to ANYTHING I said at the beginning? Geez. Anyways, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go study s- …Ooh, a new album! It’s creeping time.
