I’m not the biggest fan of New Year’s resolutions. People always make the same, generic ones and they always end up the same, tragic way. “I’m going to eat well and exercise!” Works out for two weeks then wakes up cuddling with a deep dish pizza. “I’m going to drink less!” Derailed by a depressed wine binge on Valentine’s Day. We all know the drill. For the first few weeks, you’re convinced that the goal you pledged to achieve while double-fisting bottles of cheap champagne on December 31st is totally attainable, but eventually you veer off course and forget the resolution all together. When I was eight my New Year’s resolution was to harness my (yet to be discovered) magical powers in preparation for my acceptance to Hogwarts, and as you can see that one didn’t work out too well. But despite the fact that my resolution ultimately failed (as far as the muggle population knows, at least), you have to hand it to my chubby, preteen self for coming up with something that differed from the norm. New Year’s resolutions should be something different and creative, and that’s precisely what inspired this post. After a bit of brainstorming, I created a list of twenty-five New Year’s resolutions that don’t totally suck. Hopefully one of them will strike a chord with you and make you realize that your commitment to spending more time with your family in the coming year is lame. Okay, that’s actually a good one... But so are the ones I came up with!
In 2013, I…
1. Will try to expand my photography repertoire beyond just selfies.
2. Will stop dousing myself in Axe for the sake of the ozone layer.
3. Won’t harp on my friends for eating real food just because I’m on a post-holiday health kick.
4. Will try to throw up and/or pass out in more appropriate locations while drunk.
5. Will stop constantly talking about how adorable my pets are regardless of how true it may be (just LOOK at that sweet little face!)
6. Will learn the difference between you’re and your (also there, their and they’re if I am feeling ambitious).
7. Won’t tell people I’m not wearing any makeup when I actually am (Kardashian ladies, this one’s for you).
8. Will stop my incessant chatter about Justin Bieber/One Direction/That one Australian guy who’s probably like twelve years old even if I think they’re totally dreamy.
9. Will drink more. YOLO.
10. Will stop saying YOLO.
11. Will make sure my nasal cavities are clear before writing tests since no one likes a sniffler.
12. Will delete Call Me Maybe off of my iPod and never sing it again.
13. Will enjoy things in moderation instead of obsessing over how they’re supposedly “bad” for me. Except for crack. Or heroin. Don’t do drugs, kids.
14. Will strive to wear something other than sweatpants and a hoodie at least once a week during the winter.
15. Will learn to chew gum without sounding like a cow.
16. Will try to be less bitter towards happy couples. Unless they’re really obnoxious. Matching sweaters? Really?
17. Will accept the fact that the Harry Potter series is over and stop bringing out my souvenir wand in public.
18. Won’t read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy on the subway since it makes my fellow passengers uncomfortable.
19. Will make an effort to maintain good oral hygiene or at the very least pop a mint if I notice people leaning away from me when I talk.
20. Won’t share intimate details about my bodily functions on the internet even if I expel something really unusual and think that everyone must know about it.
21. Won’t make the duck face in photos under any circumstances.
22. Will learn how to walk in heels without looking like a newborn foal with a stunted leg running on ice.
23. Will obey the Ten Commandments of Facebook (Not familiar with them? Check out my post from May! Not that I’m shamelessly self-promoting or anything. How did this link get here?! http://pleasejusthumourme.blogspot.ca/2012/05/ten-commandments-of-facebook.html)
24. Will accept the fact that Victoria’s Secret Angels are not mere mortals and stop comparing myself to them.
25. Will get back together with Taylor Swift despite what she says.
If none of these non-sucky resolutions tickle your fancy, fear not. I withheld one final resolution from the list and it’s the best one of all: In 2013, I just won’t make a New Year’s resolution. There’s really no way you can break a resolution like that, so your year can’t possibly be a failure. Well, unless you’re Lindsay Lohan. Poor girl. Happy New Year!
