Today is July 1st. If that date means anything special to you, chances are that you, like me, are from the Great White North and are therefore celebrating Canada Day. According to the almost-but-not-quite reliable folks at Wikipedia, Canada is “a North American country consisting of ten provinces and three territories located in the northern part of the continent.” It then goes on to talk about the Canadian maple syrup black market which, naturally, operates in alliance with the Illuminati. Silly Wikipedia, Trix are for kids! But in all seriousness, Canada Day is a big deal in… well, Canada. Why? Because Canada is one hell of an awesome country and we Canadians know it. That being said, there are a lot of stereotypes about life in Canada and while some may be factual, most are about as legitimate as a mosquito on a goose’s ass (classic Canadian joke!). With this in mind, on this most patriotic of days it seems appropriate for me to defend the reputation of my homeland, so I have decided to shed some light on what Canadian living is really all about. Below I have listed fourteen little-known facts about “the true North strong and free” in the hopes that they will educate foreigners, delight the Canadian masses, and occupy my time until it’s dark enough for fireworks and beer. Read on!
Fact #1: 48% of Canadians still find themselves questioning what to call more than one moose.
Fact #2: “Beaver” is not an effective slang word for someone’s lady parts in Canada. Canadians will automatically assume that you’re talking about the adorable, buck-toothed mammal, and the conversation will swiftly take an awkward turn. For example,
Non-Canadian: “That girl’s skirt is so short, if she bends over we’re totally going to see her beaver!”
Canadian: “But it’s December... Beavers hibernate in the winter!”
Non-Canadian: “....... I don't think we should be friends anymore.”
Fact #3: Every Canadian born in the 90s grew up listening to “Let’s Go to the Mall” by Robin Sparkles.
Fact #4: Got a hankering for some ketchup chips? Maybe a couple of President’s Choice Decadent cookies? How about some Alphagetti or a Coffee Crisp? Well, if you don’t live in Canada you’re shit out of luck; it’s the only place you’ll find those delectable food items on shelves. And although they may be served in other nations now, we all know that poutine and Beavertails originated in the Great White North too.
Fact #5: The ranks of Canadian celebrities include Rachel McAdams, Eugene Levy, Ryan Reynolds, John Candy, Jim Carrey, Keanu Reeves, James Cameron, Will Arnett, Celine Dion and Shania Twain, to name a few. Oh, and Ryan Gosling. Not that that’s a big deal or anything. Hey girl, indeed...
Fact #6: Speaking of famous Canadians, Canada is also home to both Justin Bieber and the band Nickelback. To anyone who has ever wondered why Canadians are so quick to apologize: now you know. Now. You. Know.
Fact #7: Canada is the only country in which milk bags are still commonly used. It is also important to note that “milk bags” is not Canadian slang for breasts.
Fact #8: Canadians do say “eh” quite a bit, but we don’t say “aboot” unless we’re referring to one half of our winter footwear.
Fact #9: Referring to Tim Horton’s by its full name in a conversation with a group of Canadians will result in immediate ostracism. It’s “Timmy’s” or “Tim’s”, ya hoser.
Fact #10: No one actually says “hoser” in Canada other than the infamous Bob and Doug McKenzie, but after saying it in fact number nine I think I might start.
Fact #11: We don’t ride polar bears to school. We would NEVER treat our pets like that.
Fact #12: Canadian beer is notoriously strong. Not notoriously strong: Canadian television.
Fact #13: Contrary to popular belief, Canadians don’t actually put maple syrup on everything. Only French Canadians do that. The rest of us use Frank’s Red Hot Sauce™, available at your local grocery store!
Fact #14: It doesn't snow THAT much in Canada, nor is the temperature constantly below zero. Yes, it gets pretty damn cold in the winter and I may have seen a few people cross-country skiing through downtown Toronto back in January, but I swear it’s nice here most of the time.
So there you have it. Yes, some of the rumors about Canada are true. Okay, a lot of them are true. But does that make our country any less awesome? No. We’re a bunch of beer-swilling, eh-saying, beaver-loving (remember, the mammal…) hosers here in Canada and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Happy Canada Day!
