January is one giant hangover of a month. After the marathon of festivities that is the holiday season ends with the shitstorm affectionately referred to as New Year’s Eve, everything really seems to go downhill. People get sick, the weather is gross, and it’s pretty much impossible to go an entire day without someone preaching about their resolutions (I’m glad you’re all striving to improve yourselves, but I’m way too lazy to join you and would prefer not to be guilt-tripped about my inaction). As if all of this wasn’t enough, January is also the time of the year when semestered high school students everywhere are forced to contend with a cruel slap in the face in the form of exams. I’m sure some people out there aren’t fazed at all by the prospect of having to remember 3+ months of information about body systems, quadratic functions or verb conjugations, but from what I’ve witnessed it’s enough to make most people a little edgy. After calling upon my observations from the many exam weeks I’ve had to endure throughout the past four years, I’ve compiled a list of the top five “exam personalities” that come out at this time of the year, or as others may refer to them, “five bat shit crazy methods people have for coping with stress”.
Personality 1: The Terminator
Most commonly seen: In the library reading 107 pages of handwritten, colour-coded notes.
Everyone knows at least one Terminator. These are the people who thrive during exam week; they were BORN ready for that shit. Most Terminators start studying at least a month before they actually need to, and don’t stop until someone has to physically pry their notes out of their cold, robot hands. While I totally respect Terminators for their dedication to their studies, a part of me can’t help but be completely terrified of them. There’s just something a little unnatural about committing an entire textbook to memory, and let’s be real: no one wants to be reminded that their study habits are complete garbage in comparison to someone else’s. So, Terminators, do us all a big favour and please, go get obscenely drunk.
Personality 2: The Recovering Drug Addict
Most commonly seen: Double-fisting Red Bulls and looking sweaty.
The Recovering Drug Addict (RDA) is characterized by symptoms similar to those found in (you guessed it!) drug addicts going through withdrawal. Constant shakes, night sweats and jumpiness are frequently seen amongst the RDA population, as well as occasional vomiting and the desire to spontaneously curl up in the fetal position. RDAs also have a tendency to develop a small dependency on caffeine as a way of coping with their stress, which really doesn’t make things any better (the only thing more dangerous than an antsy, shakey person is an even antsier, even shakier person who has to pee a lot). If you suspect that someone you love may be an RDA, a sure-fire method to test your theory is to greet them with a simple handshake. Palms clammy? Grip weak and tremory? You, my friend, have found yourself an RDA. Help them to make it through their troubled time by surrounding them with gentle music and soothing colours. They’ll thank you for it someday.
Personality 3: The Question Master
Most commonly seen: Roaming the halls looking for a specific teacher several hours before school.
It’s not unusual for people to have questions before exams. It’s helpful to have things clarified or to gain some sort of idea about what you’re being tested on, there’s no arguing that. But Question Masters take this notion to a whole new level. Question Masters have been known to come into class with a page full of questions every single day of the week leading up to exams, and usually insist on having them answered in front of the whole class at really inopportune times (ie. When the teacher is reviewing a really hard concept). Every once in a while they’ll ask something that everyone else was wondering about, but most of the time their questions are either a) Not even remotely relevant to what’s on the exam b) Really confusing c)In a foreign language or d) Downright stupid. The point of questions is supposed to be to make things make sense, and their questions usually do the opposite. Their hearts are in the right place, but if worst comes to worst, no one will blame you for tuning out whenever a Question Master raises their hand.
Personality 4: The Sloth
Most commonly seen: Napping.
Out of all the exam personalities out there, the Sloth is easily the least productive one to adopt. Unfortunately, I am a complete Sloth. Sloths like me fail to function like normal human beings during exams, and instead go into a weird state of near hibernation. Any clothing that isn’t made of fleece, spandex, or a breathable cotton-poly blend becomes completely out of the question, and baggy garments with hoods are preferred. No matter how much sleep Sloths get at night, they can’t help but take frequent naps during the day, and often find themselves waking up in a nest of blankets with no prior recollection as to how they got there. The mind of a Sloth is generally groggy and disoriented, causing them to put off any and all forms of studying until the last possible moment. This undoubtedly comes back to bite them in the ass, but hey, at least they have a solid week of laziness to show for it.
Personality 5: The Pregnant Woman
Most commonly seen: Crying whilst destroying a bag of chips and/or tub of icecream and/or rack of ribs.
In a similar fashion to the Recovering Drug Addict’s resemblance to, well, a recovering drug addict, the Pregnant Woman exam personality is eerily comparable to that of, well, a pregnant woman. The Pregnant Woman is a hot mess during exam week. Due to their great emotional instability, they are prone to violent mood swings and frequent outbursts of tears. They also stress eat like no others. No food is off limits to them, and if you try to keep them away from their culinary coping mechanism of choice? God help you. While it is more common for females to take on the Pregnant Woman personality than males, it is not unheard of for guys to sob over a quart of Ben and Jerry’s when stress has gotten the best of them. A piece of advice? DO NOT FUCK WITH THEM. THEY CAN AND WILL DESTROY YOU. And besides, hasn’t anyone ever told you that it’s disrespectful to be rude to someone who’s with child? Gosh.
Hopefully you were able to relate one or two of these personalities to someone you know, or maybe even yourself. At the very least, I hope reading about them has brought a tiny ray of joy to your post-exam recovery time. And if it hasn’t? Good news: Tomorrow’s the first day of February, and the January hangover is coming to an end!
Tuesday 31 January 2012
Monday 2 January 2012
2011: A Year In Bad Jokes
The beginning of a new year is the perfect time to reflect on the past, embrace the present, and plan for the future. It's also the perfect time to get embarrassingly drunk and throw up on a new, presumably sparkly outfit, and to set goals for self improvement that are guaranteed to fail by March. God bless. In order to celebrate the dawning of 2012, I decided to look back on the wonderfully awful year that was 2011 and utilize my painfully bad sense of humor and the handy dandy interweb to summarize some of the biggest highlights. Brace yourselves folks.
Warning: The following jokes are really, really bad. I use the term "joke" very loosely.
Warning 2: Seriously? You're still going to read them? Are you dumb?
Warning 3: Yep, it would seem that you are in fact dumb. I feel bad. Oh well. Here they are.
William and Kate finally got married after years of courtship, inspiring the fairy tale dreams of young girls everywhere. I’m happy for the couple and won’t make fun of them, but I will point out the fact that Princess Beatrice’s hat totally looked like a uterus.
Charlie Sheen was urged to seek medical attention after reportedly banging enough seven-gram rocks to kill Two and a Half Men.
Justin Bieber’s rise to stardom resulted in many people from his hometown contacting the tabloids with stories from his childhood. The stories were from 2010.
World Hide-and-Seek Champion Osama Bin Laden was killed by the US, but their battle is not over. 7 horcruxes remain.
The Apple iPad achieved wild success despite having a name that makes it sound like a high tech feminine hygiene product.
Jessica Simpson was one of many celebrities to announce a pregnancy. Members of her family have requested that people refrain from referring to it as a "bun in the oven", as they don't want her to spend the next 9 months wondering if it's a baby or a loaf of bread.
Amy Winehouse became one of many celebrities to die tragically young due substance abuse. Listening to her song “Rehab” is now really fucking awkward.
Rebecca Black became famous after releasing a song in which she struggles with great internal conflict over two seat options in a convertible. For the sake of humanity, I pray she never winds up on a half empty bus.
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' elaborate wedding proved to be a waste of money when they divorced after 72 days. Sources close to the family claim that the marriage failed due to the fact that Kim Kardashian realized that her husband was someone who would marry Kim Kardashian.
Tragically, Michelle Duggar miscarried while pregnant with her 20th child. Fortunately, her family has been comforted by statistical evidence that 15% of all "Your Mom" jokes still refer to her.
"Kim Jong Il" is now "Kim Jong Dead."
Chances are you cringed at least three times while reading those and may have broken out in hives. But hey, I told you I'm not in any way funny, and THAT'S what you get for ignoring my warnings. Anyways, Happy New Year everyone! May all of your futile resolutions provide you with temporary hope for the future.
Warning: The following jokes are really, really bad. I use the term "joke" very loosely.
Warning 2: Seriously? You're still going to read them? Are you dumb?
Warning 3: Yep, it would seem that you are in fact dumb. I feel bad. Oh well. Here they are.
William and Kate finally got married after years of courtship, inspiring the fairy tale dreams of young girls everywhere. I’m happy for the couple and won’t make fun of them, but I will point out the fact that Princess Beatrice’s hat totally looked like a uterus.
Charlie Sheen was urged to seek medical attention after reportedly banging enough seven-gram rocks to kill Two and a Half Men.
Justin Bieber’s rise to stardom resulted in many people from his hometown contacting the tabloids with stories from his childhood. The stories were from 2010.
World Hide-and-Seek Champion Osama Bin Laden was killed by the US, but their battle is not over. 7 horcruxes remain.
The Apple iPad achieved wild success despite having a name that makes it sound like a high tech feminine hygiene product.
Jessica Simpson was one of many celebrities to announce a pregnancy. Members of her family have requested that people refrain from referring to it as a "bun in the oven", as they don't want her to spend the next 9 months wondering if it's a baby or a loaf of bread.
Amy Winehouse became one of many celebrities to die tragically young due substance abuse. Listening to her song “Rehab” is now really fucking awkward.
Rebecca Black became famous after releasing a song in which she struggles with great internal conflict over two seat options in a convertible. For the sake of humanity, I pray she never winds up on a half empty bus.
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' elaborate wedding proved to be a waste of money when they divorced after 72 days. Sources close to the family claim that the marriage failed due to the fact that Kim Kardashian realized that her husband was someone who would marry Kim Kardashian.
Tragically, Michelle Duggar miscarried while pregnant with her 20th child. Fortunately, her family has been comforted by statistical evidence that 15% of all "Your Mom" jokes still refer to her.
"Kim Jong Il" is now "Kim Jong Dead."
Chances are you cringed at least three times while reading those and may have broken out in hives. But hey, I told you I'm not in any way funny, and THAT'S what you get for ignoring my warnings. Anyways, Happy New Year everyone! May all of your futile resolutions provide you with temporary hope for the future.
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