I’m writing this on my death bed. Okay, I’m not quite “dying”, but I’m currently swaddled in four layers of blankets and sipping gingerale through a straw while sobbing softly to myself and I’d say that’s a pretty close equivalent. On the bright side, my voice has taken on a degree of hoarseness akin to that of Christian Bale’s Batman and listening to myself talk is wildly entertaining, but I still feel like shit and can’t bring myself to get out of bed which is no fun at all. How did I come to be in this horrible condition, you ask? Medical officials claim that I am simply a victim to some sort of virus or bacterial infection, but I see through their lies. I know that the root of my demise can be traced back a few weeks to a very distinct series of events: Frosh Week. Many stronger individuals than I have been defeated by the power of Frosh Week, and its capacity for evil should not be underestimated. It’s pretty much impossible to get through the ordeal without any sort of collateral damage to your liver and/or your dignity and you’ll probably spend 4-7 days washing body paint and/or beer and/or shame out of your hair afterwards, so it's really no surprise that I'm currently sick as all hell. However, despite any negative after-effects, the experience was totally worth it. Frosh Week was a GREAT time, and I would totally do it all over again if given the chance. I just had the misfortune of going into it without any advice to guide my actions and as a consequence I'm now ill as fuck (and not in the cool rapper kind of way either). But fear not, future froshies: To help you avoid my fate, I have called upon my experiences as well as some of other people’s in order to concoct a survival guide to Frosh Week. If you commit these rules to memory, you’re sure to emerge from the week with grace and poise intact. Or at the very least, without dying.
Survival Tip #1: Drink lots of water.
This survival tip is number one for a reason. Drinking water is the single most important thing a froshie can do, and sadly it is often overlooked. If you’re too busy to fit some nice agua into your schedule, my advice to you is to invest in one of those awesome hats that have cupholders and easily accessible straws for your convenience and to slap a couple of water bottles into that bad boy. You’ll be glad you did when your friends are all hungover on the first morning and you wake up feeling like P-Diddy. Also, a hat that's functional AND stylish? Sounds like a winning combo to me!
Survival Tip #2: Practice good hygiene.
I wasn’t kidding about the whole “4-7 days of washing off body paint/beer/shame” thing. Frosh Week is a messy, messy experience. It’s probable that you’ll spend a considerable amount of time covered in a thin layer of sweat that might be yours, but most likely belongs to some large hairy guy who accidentally brushed up against you and lingered for a few uncomfortable seconds. Or maybe that was just my frosh experience... I'd like to think I'm not the only one it happened to in order to dull the mental trauma it has caused me. Anyways, unless you want all the filth of Frosh Week to be absorbed through your pores to the extent that no amount of deep cleansing will ever be able to remove it, daily showers are a must. Also if you happen to be the large, hairy, lingering guy, PLEASE START USING DEODERANT. That is all.
Survival Tip #3: Don’t hook up with shady characters.
When you combine a whole bunch of rowdy young people, a whole bunch of alcohol and a lack of adult supervision, hookups are inevitable. If you choose to play the field during frosh, make sure to use good judgement. Look out for red-flag phrases such as “Chris Brown is my role model!”, “Does this rag smell like chloroform?” and “I have candy in my van.” when talking to potential mates. Also take note of less overt warning signs. If a guy has his shirt unbuttoned more than halfway and smells like he just took a bath in a pool of Axe body spray and pure musk, chances are he’s a douche and you should stay away. Female sluttiness can also be easily ascertained, in this case based on missing objects. If she’s lacking an earring, a shoe, or clothing in general, you should probably avoid her for the time being (or forever). And remember: beer goggles are real. Exercise caution at all times.
Survival Tip #4: Use protection.
While I’m on the topic of avoiding shady characters, another important Frosh Week survival tip is to protect yourself during any "sexy time" you may have. Since I can’t think of anything more to say on this topic without turning this into a middle school sex ed lesson, I’m just going to list a bunch of creative ways to say “Use a condom” for your amusement. Ahem: “No glove, no love.” “Sheath the sword before you duel.” “Wrap the salami so she doesn’t become a mommy.” “Don’t be a chump; use a rubber when you hump.” “When in doubt, shroud your spout.” “You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.” "Don't be silly, cover your willy." Etc, etc. I could go continue, but I’m sure I’ve already disturbed you enough for one day. Moving on!
Survival Tip #5: For the love of god, shut up for once.
The amount of yelling that occurs during Frosh Week is absolutely insane. Between cheering to showcase school spirit, trying to be heard over loud music and participating in drunken screaming matches (yep, those happen) a froshie’s vocal cords take a lot of abuse. I learned this lesson the hard way, and as I mentioned earlier my voice is now shot to hell and I may have to don a mask and cape in order to give purpose to my new-found raspiness. My advice to you? Become the asshole with the airhorn. Regardless of what school you go to, your Frosh Week will possess at least one guy or gal who, for some reason, brings an airhorn to every event with them and makes sure EVERYONE is aware of their presence. At the time, I didn’t understand the purpose of my Frosh Week’s airhorn posse and just found them really fucking annoying, but in retrospect they were actually geniuses. I bet they all have normal voices right now… Sneaky bastards. So yeah, when you’re buying the hat to hold your water in, see if you can kill two birds with one stone and get one with a built in airhorn. I’m sure those exist somewhere. That somewhere is probably Japan.
Survival Tip #6: Try to maintain a balanced diet.
I didn’t understand how the Freshman 15 could be an actual thing until an event happened during Frosh Week that will likely haunt me for the rest of my days. I awoke in my dorm room one morning after a night of froshing to an eerily familiar scent. It was the smell of… Peanut butter? Yeah, definitely peanut butter. And… Chocolate? Oh god. I groggily sat up and rubbed my eyes, confused by this aroma, and that’s when I saw it: a trail of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrappers leading from my beanbag chair to my bed. I stared in horror, not believing what I had done, but after searching my feelings I knew it to be true (someone better catch that reference). And I was not the only one to find themself in such a horrible waking nightmare. Even individuals with willpowers of steel caved into late night cravings for McDonald’s or KFC (affectionately refer to as “Dirty Bird”) during Frosh Week. While it may very well be impossible to avoid the throes of grease-soaked temptation during the week, my advice to future froshies is to at least attempt to choke down a couple of carrot sticks or a salad every once in awhile so you can feel slightly less guilty about all the McDoubles and popcorn chicken you ingest. I’m sure your mommy would tell you the same thing.
Survival Tip #7: Phone memos are your friend.
Chances are you’re going to meet a whole bunch of new people during Frosh Week. Some of them will be easy to remember. Others will not. To avoid an awkward incident where someone who you’re pretty sure you’ve never seen before comes up to you on campus and starts chatting away as if you were best friends, leaving you standing there nodding and smiling while silently panicking and trying to figure out who the fuck they are, make a memo in your phone and write down the names of people who you don’t think you’ll remember along with a brief description of their appearance and where you met them. Review it when you wake up the next morning and SHAZAM! Awkward encounter avoid. And yes, I did just say shazam. What of it?
So there you have it, a sure-fire plan for surviving Frosh Week. May it serve you well. Unfortunately, I have yet to come up with a sure-fire plan for surviving the rest of first year, but I swear I'll start working on it once I'm fully recovered. Can't a sick girl catch a break? Gosh!
