Disclaimer.

As you can probably tell by the horribly uncomfortable feeling of pity that crept over you before you even began reading this, I probably shouldn't be allowed to talk. If it's any comfort to you, I am fully aware of this fact and have been ever since the day my first words caused my parents to recoil in horror. My childhood and early youth were a string of constant, cringe-inducing puns and one-liners, and from my awkward preteen years onward things just got worse. While I've come to accept my identity as a chronic maker of bad jokes, the fact of the matter is that more often than not the things I say are downright painful to hear. But that's okay, because approximately 2.5 horribly misguided individuals actually think I'm funny, and I'm pretty sure at least one of them isn't my Mom. So that's why I'm making a complete ass of myself and starting a blog. Many people in the past have encouraged me to take my embarrassing rants to the internet, presumably as an attempt to get me to shut up and leave them alone (which isn't going to happen by the way. Also, why are none of you guys responding to my texts? Or my bbms? Or my Facebook inboxes? Or my voicemails? Or my bimonthly Newsletter?) But because of the fact that I've trained myself to ignore negative feedback and instead imagine that everything I say is received with applause and confetti, I'm going to pretend that there are actually people out there whose days might be brightened by the stupid shit I say, and thus I will continue to say stupid shit. So please, even though I shouldn't talk, just humour me. You just might end up being misguided individual number 3.5.