It's that time of the year again. Halls are being decked, dreidels are being spun, and mall Santa's are being painfully underpaid to put up with hundreds of children crawling all over them. The magic of the holidays (Am I allowed to say holidays? Is that politically incorrect now?) has returned. But unfortunately, along with this magic comes a horrible consequence. And that consequence is five kinds of super annoying people who come out, guns blazing, at this time every year. Who are these pains in the neck of the season you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
1. The person who talks endlessly about their wishlist.
Catch phrase: "OMG, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO ASK FOR THIS YEAR!"
Description: During childhood, almost everyone falls into this category, and in all fairness the greediness of the young can almost be perceived as cute. Their demands to Santa are sloppily written on scraps of paper and mailed to the North Pole, and I must say that I admire their dedication. However, after a certain age, constantly telling people your gift expectations stops being adorable and just makes everyone want to hit you in the face, possibly with a menorah or Christmas wreath just for added effect. I don't want to be that person who burdens you with crippling guilt about all things festive (see number 3), but with maturity should come an understanding that gifts are a privilege, not a right. Conjuring up a wishlist in your head and being super stoked about the gifts you DO end up receiving is more than okay, but ranting about the heart-wrenching conflict of whether to request an iPhone or a Blackberry as your stocking stuffer just makes you sound like a spoiled four year old. So unless you ARE a spoiled four year old (in which case I'm deeply sorry for being rude and I really hope you get that pony you asked for), do yourself and everyone else a favour and please shut up.
2. The person who makes gift-giving into a competition.
Catch phrase: "I know we agreed on a $20 limit, but I just had to get you this!"
Description: Before I begin, it needs to be established that this particular class of holiday monstrosity is not to be confused with the kind, generous souls who give people extravagant gifts out of the goodness of their heart. Those people are awesome. I love those people. But these are not those people. Everyone knows at least one person who manages to take the jolly activity of gift giving and warp it into a cutthroat competition that may or may not involve tears and/or blood shed. This is the person who hears what you're getting someone, and gets the same person five of the same thing just to outdo you. Buy someone a CD by their favourite artist? Ha,amateur. They'll get them tickets to the concert, an autographed poster AND backstage passes. Make someone a heartfelt construction paper card? Good try! Theirs will have a more touching message, be decorated with glitter glue and probably sing when you open it. No matter what you do, they'll always do it better. And while it may be nice for the recipient of the gift, the awesomeness of the presents will always be tainted by the evil intentions behind them. So please, gift one-uppers? Stop making the rest of us look bad and just start giving people soap or something.
3. The person who burdens you with crippling guilt about all things festive.
Catch phrase: Anything full of thinly veiled condescension.
Description: This class of holiday ruiner is perhaps the most varied and despicable of the five. These people are characterized by their unnerving ability to leech the fun out of traditional activities and leave behind a horrible feeling of guilt in its place. We've all been there: you're at some sort of festive gathering where people are exchanging gifts, and notice that one person is empty-handed. "Well gee," you say to the person "Did your Secret Santa forget your gift?" THIS IS ALWAYS A MISTAKE. The individual can smell your misguided pity from a mile away, and will quickly chime in with something like "I've actually requested not to receive any gifts this year, or any year for that matter, until poverty is resolved worldwide. If children in Ethiopia can't have Secret Santa gifts, neither can I." After that, shit just gets awkward. Suddenly your happy little party turns into a disgusting display of excess and you can't get the image of little Mowgli working in a sweatshop for pennies a day out of your head. Similarly awful is the person with logic-defying self restraint who watches you shovel down pumpkin pie with an expression laced with horror and disgust. "You know there's like two thousand calories in the crust alone, right?" Yes, I am aware, thank you. And now I'm feeling nice and guilty. But do I give a fuck? No. So leave me and my pie alone, this ain't the season to harp on people about their food intake. And by the way, while you're freezing your ass off with a watchful eye kept on the scale? I'll be warm and toasty in my feasting pants thanks to my convenient layer of holiday fat. That's what's up.
4. The person who basically spews tinsel every time they speak from November until January.
Catch phrase: "5 MORE WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS/HANUKKAH/KWANZAA!!!1!!!1!!1!!!!"
Description: A little bit of holiday spirit goes a long way. While it is definitely important to embrace this special time of the year as the magical occasion it is, there is such a thing as taking it too far. How far is too far you ask? Starting your Christmas countdown in October seems like a good place to start. It's crazy enough that stores are putting out their seasonal merchandise earlier and earlier with every passing year, so when you toss in someone singing carols two days after Halloween, it's a bit too much to handle. As if the premature nature of these individuals' excitement wasn't enough, it increases in magnitude with every passing day as they draw nearer to the event dearest to their heart. Christmas fanatics are the most intense of all, and become downright intolerable by the time mid-December rolls around. Avoiding these people is one of the keys to surviving the season, and can be managed by learning to recognize telltale signs. Tacky sweaters and an unusually jolly disposition are often good clues, but two surefire giveaways are the wearing of a flashing Christmas light necklace or reindeer antlers. If an individual is observed with either of these items on their person, get out of there fast. Your sanity depends on it.
5. The person who won't shut up about how Christmas is a capitalistic tradition.
Catch phrase: "Jesus wasn't even born in the winter."
Description: I'll keep this one brief, since everyone knows the kind of person I'm talking about. They're the ones that kill your buzz by criticizing all the traditions of Christmas and reminding you that holidays are "just an elaborate ruse created by the government and the greeting card industry to turn a profit". And I guess that may be true, but so what? The cash cow that is December is one of the best months of the year, and I for one am not going to let it be ruined by conspiracy theories. So rant all you want, I'm still going to spend obscene amounts of money on my friends and family, and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.
If you or someone you know bears an uncanny resemblance to any of the stereotypes listed above, I'm sorry if I came across as Scroogey in my criticism. I'm sure you're an awesome person, and look on the bright side: maybe this will help you to become less annoying! Because really, isn't trying to piss people off less than usual what the festive season is all about? Happy holidays!
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