Men are like bras.

I’ve had many a strange epiphany in my life. From unearthing my resemblance to Justin Bieber to discovering the fact that people genuinely DO look like their dogs, I’m essentially the Queen of Noticing Weird Shit About the World. That being said, today brought about yet another one of my bizarre realizations: men are like bras. Yep, you heard me. Men are like bras. Admittedly, it’s one of the weirder ideas to spiral forth from the annexes of my brain, but I swear it totally makes sense when you think about it. My journey toward this enlightened idea began when I was getting dressed this morning. I hadn’t had my coffee yet and as such was approximately as mentally functional as a pinecone, so when I put on my (particularly comfortable) bra I groggily thought to myself that it felt like wearing a hug. A boob-hug. I then mentally remarked that bras would make good boyfriends, because yes, I make jokes in my head. And I laugh at them. Take me for what I am. Anyways, back to my anecdote. As the day progressed, I found that the bra-boyfriend idea kept popping into my head over and over again, so when I found my mind wandering during a particularly dry lecture it was the first thing on my thought-docket. That’s when the parallels came rushing in. I swear, bras may be man’s collective spirit-animal; the similarities are undeniable! Don’t believe me? Fortunately for you, I wrote them all down instead of taking notes (which is awkward considering that the person sitting next to me kept staring at my screen, but hey, at least I wasn’t viewing a dick pic on my phone like that guy in my Psych 101 class last year). Read on, and prepare for your mind to be BLOWN!

Similarity #1: Men and bras both come in all different shapes, sizes and colours.
A-cups. D-cups. Sports bras. Push-ups. Cotton. Lace. Ribbon. While men and bras may not bear a physical resemblance to one another or share a similar material-makeup, both are incredibly diverse groups. No two men are exactly alike, and the same can be said for bras (unless they’re manufactured that meticulously, which I doubt they are).

Similarity #2: Women have different types.
As with the men they date, every woman has a unique set of wants and needs when it comes to her bras. You have to experiment a bit and try on different types before you find the one that’s right for you, and chances are that you’ll make some poor choices along the way. However, the trial and error is all worth it because it enables you to someday find true (double-cup) love.

Similarity #3: Women avoid them until puberty hits.
The magic of pubescence brings about both the need for romantic attention and the need for a garment that prevents nips-ahoy debacles. Is it a coincidence that the cooties-phase ends at the same time that the boobies-phase begins? I think not.

Similarity #4: Some women just don’t like them.
Some ladies will never like men, and some ladies will never like bras. While some people may frown upon these facts, they’re ultimately both personal things that should be respected. So fuck the haters; you do you, gurls, whether that means embracing your sexuality or simply free-boobing every once in awhile. (Sidenote: taking off your bra at the end of a long day is akin to every female’s occasional male-free sabbatical.)

Similarity #5: It’s great if they’re nice to look at, but there are more important things.
Pretty bras are awesome. So are pretty boys. But the fact of the matter is that there are more vital things at play. If a bra is nice-looking but serves no purpose beyond that, what’s the point? Don’t waste your money. The same goes for handsome gents who lack the personality to back it up, but with time replacing money. Beauty is meaningless without substance, so don’t be drawn in by baseless lust.

Similarity #6: The best ones are supportive.
Bras gained the nickname of “over-the-shoulder boulder-holders” for a good reason: the right ones keep everything in place regardless of what you’re doing. Support is therefore vital to determining a bra’s quality, which can also be said for men. No woman should ever be with a man who doesn’t support her in all of her endeavors; you don’t need someone acting like a bandeau when you really need thick straps and a sturdy underwire, after all.

Similarity #7: They should never hurt you.
If a bra is causing you pain, you need to get rid of it. The same goes for a guy. Sure, it’s okay if they bother you every once in awhile (a twisted strap, an argument about who controls the remote…) but ultimately you should feel comfortable with them. The second that comfort disappears for a prolonged period of time and is replaced by ceaseless hurt, it’s time to chuck ‘em and find something better.

Similarity #8: They need to give you the right amount of space.
Finding the right band size is vital to purchasing a properly fitted bra. You need to ensure that it’s not too tight or too loose, and offers just the right amount of breathing room. This balance also needs to be found in relationships; no one wants to be smothered or abandoned by their significant other, and instead must strive for a happy medium. Several sets of hooks help in both cases.

Similarity #9: Don’t show them off in inappropriate ways.
No one likes to witness excessive PDA, whether it’s with a boyfriend or a bra. It’s more than okay to be happy with both, but it’s not so okay to aggressively rub them in people’s faces. The moral of the story here? Keep your clothes on in both cases.

Similarity #10: Their worlds revolve around boobs.
Bras spend all day cupping a pair of boobs. Men WISH they could spend all day cupping a pair of boobs. Need I say more?

Similarity #11: You shouldn’t put them in the laundry machine.
This may come as a surprise to you, but you shouldn’t put bras OR boys in the laundry machine. It warps their shape! I learned the hard way, trust me. With, um, a bra, of course… Ahem.

So, do you believe me now? I hope so, because I’m thinking of founding a new field of thought called philbrasophy or publishing a relationship guide called “Find a Dude by Minding Your Boobs” and I’m going to need a fanbase. If you’re still unconvinced, here’s an M. Night Shyamalan-level plot twist that might get your gears going: guys often refer to each other as “bro”. Sometimes, the pronunciation is changed so that it sounds like… Wait for it… “BRA”. Yeah. YEAH. Drink. That. In. Anyways, I’m off to the sweat lodges in search of my next great epiphany. Thanks for listening to me spit(bra)lling, and keep on keepin’ (bra)n boys and girls! ... It's been a long day, I'm sorry.

My take on "NekNominations"

The Cinnamon Challenge. The Milk Challenge. The Snort-A-Condom-Up-Your-Nose-And-Extract-It-Through-Your-Mouth-While-Simultaneously-Losing-Any-Trace-Of-Dignity-You’ve-Ever-Had Challenge (it’s a real thing, I swear). Let’s face it: our generation LOVES a good challenge, whatever said challenge may happen to entail. The newest of these challenge to sweep the interweb is being referred to as “NekNominations”. For those of you who may not have heard about the fine art of NekNominating, I’ll explain. But first, I just want to inform you that my MOTHER knows what NekNominations are so she’s officially hipper than you. Which honestly isn’t that offensive since the woman was singing “Blurred Lines” before I even knew it existed, but that’s irrelevant. Anyways, when I first heard about NekNominations, I assumed that they had something to do with stripping down to your OG onesie (my cooler way of saying “birthday suit”, obviously) since my urban sources have informed me that kids these days are using “nekkid” as a substitute for nude (poor spelling is very trendy right now). However, I was soon proven wrong when a vast bounty of videos touting titles such as “My NekNomination” started popping up all over social media. After thorough research, I’ve determined that the NekNomination process is as follows: An individual who is NekNominated must chug some sort of alcohol, film it, and include a nomination for someone else to do the same at the end of it. The process then begins anew with the person they nominated, and so on and so forth. Simple enough. Now, let’s move on to the nitty gritty of it.

As with pretty much everything ever, people are bound to start trying to up the ante. In the context of NekNominations, this has taken the form of drinking progressively more cringe-worthy concoctions of liquor, drinking greater amounts of said liquor, and/or performing the challenge in some sort of new, crazy way. Admittedly, this has resulted in some hilarious videos (a strange number of which have involved nudity, so technically I wasn’t completely wrong!). But it has also resulted in some that make me incredibly nervous. People have been downing more alcohol than they would drink over the course of an entire night in a matter of seconds, and there’s no way that’s a good idea (even if you’re Lindsay Lohan and your body shuts down if your blood alcohol level dips below the legal limit). As I’m sure you know if you’ve been following the trend, NekNominations have already resulted in two casualties, both young men in Ireland who left behind devastated family and friends simply because they wanted to be the very best (no Pokemon reference intended). That’s what really freaks me out. It’s human nature to want to beat out the competition, so despite the tragedies that have already occurred it’s likely that people are going to continue the trend even if it means ignoring their best judgment.

On the topic of “judgment”, my other qualm with NekNominations is the undeniable aspect of peer pressure involved. I know, I know, I sound like a middle school teacher, but it’s true. Nominees experience immense pressure to complete the challenge or else risk their reputation. Pardon the gender stereotyping, but I think this threat is particularly pertinent to guys as their failure to comply with something their friends have dared them to do seems like a blow to their masculinity. Over the past 24 hours alone I’ve heard several guys incite their friends to do the challenge by calling them “pussies”, and nominees themselves saying that they think the whole thing is stupid but that they feel a sense of obligation to do it in order to prove their manliness. This really grinds my gears. NO ONE should feel at all forced to do something that they don’t want to, especially in cases like this where there is a strong risk component. Beyond the obvious threat the challenge poses to one’s health and safety, there’s the additional danger of the video being seen by future employers or other peers held in high regard. Once things are on the Internet, they’re on there for good. So with this in mind, why are people being judged for taking a pass? If you feel inclined to give it a try, be my guest, but don’t give other people shit for not wanting to do the same. And to you men who are worried that saying no will emasculate you? It takes balls to ignore what your “bros” are saying and do your own thing, so you should be proud of yourself! Ladies too. No one should be allowed to think less of you just because you don’t want to do something that they want you to do. In the wise words of Albus Dumbledore, it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.

With all of that being said, I’m fully aware that my opinion likely isn’t going to have much of an impact on the longevity of the trend. When these sorts of things go viral, they’re pretty damn invincible for a while and this will probably be the case with NekNominations. As I said earlier, the videos CAN be entertaining, so if it’s something you really want to do I’m not going to stop you. I will, however, ask that you do the following things:

1. Don’t be stupid.
2. Know your limit and play within it.
3. Take FULL control of your privacy settings. Better yet, don’t post the video on social media at all and show it to people in person if at all possible. If you wouldn’t want potential employers to see it, it really isn’t something you should share with the entire Internet.
4. Entertainment is doing something funny or creative. Entertainment is not doing something risky that could have a severely negative impact on your future.
5. Just because you can drink 10 shots in a night doesn’t mean you can drink ten shots in 30 seconds (nor should you). That’s not how alcohol works.
6. Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable or puts you in danger. Safety first, kids!
7. Don’t get mad at the person you nominate if they don’t want to do it. They didn’t ask to be nominated, and you need to respect that. Unless they did ask, in which case you should probably find more honest friends.
8. Once more, for emphasis: DON’T BE STUPID.

Alright, that’s about all I have to say about this topic. I apologize if I have come across as a party pooper, but I felt the need to give my 50 Cents (subtle reference to the “rap game” to make myself seem cooler and decrease my party pooper status, aww yeaaahh). I’ll leave you all to your virtual shenanigans now as long as you promise me you’ll be safe. Do you promise?

***Interlude to allow readers to make promise***

Awesome! I feel like Dora the Explorer right now, making people answer me even when I’m not in the room and whatnot. This is true power. Okay, I’m done. Stay in school, don’t do drugs, say no to peer pressure, etc etc.