I recently hopped on the iPhone bandwagon after years of claiming I never would. I’m ashamed of myself for being a conformist, but I’m an eighteen year old girl. Obviously resistance to a sleek device with a responsive touch screen and unlimited selfie-taking potential is futile. As a user of less than a month, I’m still a relatively new addition to the Cult of Apple, but I’m learning pretty damn quickly what it’s all about. Take apps (that’s the short form for “applications” if you’re over the age of sixty) for example. In just a few short weeks, I’ve already learned to look past what Apple claims these memory-zapping things are in order to encourage sales and to see their true colours. For the most part, their real purpose is a far cry from what you’re initially led to believe, and I feel it is my duty as a global citizen to bring this ruse to an end. Listed below are some of the most popular apps du jour, a description of them taken straight from the App Store, and a revised description that I feel is closer to the truth. Warning: what you’re about to read may shock and disturb you. But it probably won’t. I just thought I’d say that to build up some suspense.
App #1: Instagram
App Store description: “80 million users love Instagram! It’s a free, fun, and simple way to make and share gorgeous photos on your iPhone. Pick from one of several gorgeous filtered effects or tilt-shift blur to breathe new life into your mobile photos. Transform everyday moments into works of art you’ll want to share with friends and family.”
How it should really be described: #Show #your #peers #that #you’re #artsy #as #fuck #by #slapping #a #filter #on #a #mediocre #picture #also #if #you #want #more #likes #and #followers #show #cleavage #and #use #a #lot #of #obvious #hashtags.
App #2: Pic Stitch
App Store description: “Pic Stitch packs a simple design with a powerful editor to give you everything you could possibly want to make your photos simply amazing. Use Pic Stitch to create a before-and-after sequence, combine great photos of each of your kids, or produce a photographic series.”
How it should really be described: Make your Instragram photos that much artsier by combining multiple images into one big, filtered masterpiece! Ideal for when you’ve taken multiple selfies and can’t decide which one you like best.
App #3: Angry Birds
App Store description: “The survival of the Angry Birds is at stake. Dish out revenge to the greedy pigs who stole their eggs. Use the unique powers of each bird to destroy the pigs’ defenses. Angry Birds features challenging physics-based gameplay and hours of replay value. Each level requires logic, skill and force to solve.”
How it should really be described: The plot of Angry Birds makes absolutely no sense, but it’s probably some sort of political allegory. You will use absolutely no physics in the playing of this game, but you can pretend you do by saying the word ‘trajectory’ a lot when explaining it to your friends. Excellent for enabling procrastination and pissing off animal rights activists.
App #4: Shazam
App Store description: “Identify songs in as little as 1 second, preview or buy the track, get streaming lyrics, YouTube videos and more.”
How it should really be described: Shazam: because sometimes, you don’t catch enough of the lyrics to search them on Google.
App #5: CNN App for iPhone
App Store description: “Stay informed with the latest headlines and original stories from around the globe. Follow up-to-the-minute reporting with breaking news alerts and live video. Lead the conversation by sharing news and dig deeper into the stories that matter most to you.”
How it should really be described: Downloading the CNN App for iPhone is the perfect way to pretend you’re more informed about current events than you actually are. If you’re seeking to impress someone, just open it up, make a pensive face and hope that they look over your shoulder. Fool proof!
App #6: Words With Friends
App Store description: “Words With Friends- the game more of your friends are playing than any other word game! Experience for yourself why more than 20 million people are addicted to the word building, triple score seeking, chat bubble sending goodness of Words With Friends.”
How it should really be described: Words With Friends (which could be more accurately referred to as "Words With Strangers On The Internet") is basically just Scrabble, but waaaay cooler because it’s electronic. Half of the fun is trying to figure out what crude words are actually permitted. (Note: Dick is one of them.)
App #7: Snapchat
App Store description: “Real-time picture chatting is finally available on iPhone! Snapchat is the fastest way to share a moment with friends. You control how long your friends can view your message- simply set the timer up to ten seconds and send. They’ll have that long to view your message and then it disappears forever. We’ll let you know if they take a screenshot! Build relationships, collect points, and view your best friends. Snapchat is instantly fun and insanely playful. Show your friends how clever you can be and enjoy the lightness of being!”
How it should really be described: Aimed at high schoolers, Snapchat is the perfect app for sending naked pictures with a slightly reduced risk of having them forwarded to everyone in the recipient’s contact list! Knowing that someone has taken a screenshot of your risqué image is obviously enough to prevent it from spreading around, so go right ahead! There’s NO way it can go wrong, right?
App #8: Facetime
App Store description: I couldn’t find a description for Facetime in the App Store, probably because it is viewed as an iPhone “essential” and is already installed when you purchase the phone. Lame.
How it should really be described: Want people to know how hilarious and/or adorable you and your friends are? Facetime provides you with the perfect platform to take supposedly candid pictures of you and your homies making goofy faces, accidentally pouting and smouldering at the camera or having a totally genuine and not staged laugh together, all mid-conversation!
App #9: I’d Cap That
App Store description: “I’d Cap That takes your normal photo and selects the perfect, most hysterically crude caption and slaps it on top. If you don’t LOL right away, refresh the caption for optimal hilarity. You and your friends will have an absolute blast capping your pics. Never before has anything ever made you laugh this hard.”
How it should really be described: Most likely created by a frat guy, I’d Cap That is occasionally funny but is mostly just a lot of jokes about sexual acts involving the butt. Must be inebriated for optimal enjoyment.
App #10: IMDb Movies & TV
App Store description: “Find showtimes, watch trailers, browse photos, track your must-see list and rate your favorite movies and TV shows!”
How it should really be described: We’ve all been there: you’re watching a movie and can’t figure out who that-one-guy-who-looks-totally-familiar-and-must-have-been-in-something-else is. Fear not, IMDb Movies & TV has got your back! Search the title of the movie and scroll through the cast until you have an AHA! moment and are finally able to sleep at night.
App #11: Keek
App Store description: “Millions of users love Keek! It’s the fastest, easiest way to watch, record & share video updates on your iPhone.”
How it should really be described: Facebook and Twitter not enough for you? Wish people could know what you’re doing LITERALLY all the time in vivid detail? Then Keek is the app for you! Take videos of yourself doing shit that no one really cares about and share them with your friends, they’ll probably only be mildly annoyed by it!
App #12: Fruit Ninja
App Store description: “Fruit Ninja is a juicy action game enjoyed by millions of players around the world, with squishy, splatty and satisfying fruit carnage! Become the ultimate bringer of sweet, tasty destruction with every slash!”
How it should really be described: If you enjoy mindless fun and getting fingerprints all over your screen, you’ll be a big fan of Fruit Ninja! Hours of smeary fun.
App #13: Temple Run
App Store Description: “From the makers of the award-winning best-seller Harbor Master comes the most exhilarating running game on the App Store. Test your reflexes as you race down ancient temple walls and along sheer cliffs. Swipe to turn, jump and slide to avoid obstacles, collect coins and buy power ups, and see how far you can run!”
How it should really be described: Temple Run is a lot like every other game for the iPhone, except people get super competitive about it for some reason. Download Temple Run now and try to get a high score so you can screenshot it and brag to your friends!
And there you have it. I think we can all agree that if I was in charge of the descriptions in the App Store, the world would be a better, more honest place. There would be peace on Earth and climate change would be resolved. Omg, that gives me the best idea: I’m going to go take a selfie of myself looking thoughtful and Pic Stitch it with a satellite image of the Earth and Instagram it with a caption about “being the change” and a bunch of ecofriendly hashtags!! Man, iPhones are just the bee’s knees! But let it be said: I will NEVER get a Mac. Unless they go on sale… Then I’ll consider it.
