I’ve always fancied myself to be a bit of a matchmaker. It all started back in grade three when I passed a Crayola-artwork-adorned love note from one of my friends to the object of her affections. The two went on to have a lasting relationship of three whole days and even almost held hands at one point, so I think it’s safe to say that I helped them find true love. Admittedly, I haven’t really been on my matchmaker A-game since those fateful days, but it’s totally not because I’m bad at it or anything; I’ve just been taking a brief ten year hiatus to hone my skills. And I think it’s paying off: whenever I watch Millionaire Matchmaker on Slice, I ALWAYS call whether or not the couple’s dream date will result in a successful relationship within the first five minutes. If that doesn’t scream “expert!” to you, then you probably have something wrong with your ears and should really see a doctor. Anyways, while on a recent Millionaire Matchmaker bender, I realized that the majority of the places people go in order to meet potential luvas as well as the majority of the places people take said luvas on dates have one thing in common: alcohol. “EUREKA!” I cried, frightening my elderly dog and both of my parents, for I had just had an epiphany. If people drink a lot on the dating scene, why not take advantage of that when gauging who’s a suitable mate? After some extremely scientific research and philosophical pondering into the very nature of love, I managed to draft a list that, if taken into careful consideration, pretty much guarantees you’ll be gettin’ some when you leave the bar. The list not only provides brief descriptions of the type of person who generally orders each specific type of drink, but also what kind of drink the member of the opposite sex most suitable to said person would be most inclined to order. So read on, singletons, and prepare to fall in love.
Disclaimer: I used hetero couplings in this because I love members of the LGBTQ community too much to stereotype them based on their drink choices. But I feel straight people are fair game. Let’s be real, we had it coming.
Disclaimer 2: I might have made most of my scientific research up… YOLO?
FEMALES- If she’s drinking…
Beer in a bottle: A laidback, no fuss kinda gal. In rare instances a beer bottle girl may actually know about sports or be able to belch impressively, but I wouldn’t test her on either of those to the point of annoyance because she could probably whoop your ass. Perfect Match: The guy drinking a tall boy.
Beer in a can: She likes the taste of beer and is somewhat low-key, but not low-key enough to risk having a bunch of bottles break in her brand new Kate Spade tote. Perfect Match: The guy drinking whiskey on the rocks.
Beer in a red plastic cup: This girl probably doesn’t actually enjoy drinking beer and most likely got it for free from a guy trying to get in her pants. On the bright side, she’s thrifty. On the not so bright side, she’s clearly not opposed to getting roofied and that’s a slight cause for concern. Perfect Match: The guy drinking wine he stole from his parents.
Wine: If it’s red, in a glass and sipped at slowly, she’s a classy broad with a vast knowledge of 18th century poets or something equally befitting to a well-bred female. If it’s white and sipped a little faster, she’s still somewhat classy, but in more of a “If I take off my top in the hottub I’ll pretend it was an accident” kind of way. If it’s pink and sparkling and she’s downing it from the bottle, she’d like to think she’s classy but will probably end up passing out on the party host’s bathroom floor before midnight. Perfect Match: Depends on the type of wine. (See male descriptions for each wine’s match)
Vodka: Having a vagina and drinking vodka kind of go hand in hand, so it’s a bit hard to judge these girls. Female vodka drinkers can choose any one of a vast bounty of fruit flavoured, cleverly named mixed drinks and thus essentially any chick can find something that floats her metaphorical boat in the world of potato-derived alcohol. However, if she foregoes the mixed drinks in favour of shots, one thing is clear: she’s setting out to get drunk and make some bad decisions. If you’re lucky, you just might be one of them! Then again, so could that creepy guy lurking in the corner wearing an Aquaman t-shirt. Perfect Match: The guy drinking beer out of the bottle.
Rum: Female rum drinkers are generally former vodka drinkers who, after overdoing on more than a few occasions, find themselves overwhelmed with nausea at even the slightest mention of the USSR or any words that end with -off. With this in mind, a rum drinker may very well be a binge drinking wild child, but a binge drinking wild child who’s slowly on the way to reform. Perfect Match: The guy drinking vodka.
Whiskey: Two words. Daddy. Issues. Perfect Match: The guy drinking beer out of a red plastic cup.
Tequila: A tequila-drinking girl loves to have herself a good time. She’ll probably flirt with you ruthlessly as she does shots and promise you a good time, but if you take her home with you there’s a 50/50 chance that she’ll end up throwing up on herself at some point and spend the rest of the night crying. Perfect Match: The guy drinking Jagermeister.
Smirnoff Ice/Mike’s Hard Lemonade/Bacardi Breezers: She’s too young for you, bro. Perfect Match: The guy drinking Four Loko.
Gin: I’m like 90% sure that no one drinks gin… Hipsters maybe? Yeah. Let’s go with that. Perfect Match: The guy drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and wearing flannel.
Cristal: She’s either dating Drake or Kanye West. Perfect Match: Either Drake or Kanye West.
MALES- If he’s drinking…
Beer in a bottle: Beer is to males as vodka is to females. As far as bottles go, they’re equivalent to the classic fruity mixed drink that every girl is down with. This guy could be anybody. Perfect Match: The girl drinking a fruity mixed drink.
Beer in a can: A real guys’ guy who probably enjoys shotgunning, funnelling and doing manly things, but will proudly proclaim “I love you, man” to one of his bros while drunk and maybe even tear up a bit in the process. Perfect Match: The girl drinking beer from a bottle or can.
Beer in a red plastic cup: He’ll probably get drunk enough to break several valuable objects and yell a lot of sexist remarks. He also sees nothing wrong with frats. Gross. Perfect Match: The girl drinking whiskey (Daddy. Issues.)
Wine: There are two possibilities here. If it’s a one-time thing where he bought the wine because it was on sale, stole it from his parents or was given it as a gift, he enjoys saving money. If he actually likes it and drinks it frequently, he probably owns multiple blazers and/or turtlenecks and has a penchant for quoting Chaucer. Perfect Match: If he’s the first kind, the girl drinking beer out of a red plastic cup. If he’s the second, the girl drinking red wine out of an actual glass.
Vodka: Whether he be straight, gay or anything in between, he’s comfortable enough in his sexuality to drink what is often classified as a “bitch drink” in order to get drunk without having to ingest something that tastes like death. Kudos, man. Perfect Match: The girl drinking rum.
Rum: He might secretly be a pirate. I’m (almost) kidding. Perfect Match: The girl drinking white wine.
Jagermeister: You don’t drink Jager to get a little buzz on. You drink that shit to get belligerent. A Jager-drinker will get drunk to the point of becoming really red, stumbling around and throwing up in weird locations that they think are hidden, but will deny that they’re actually drunk until they’re in bed with a bottle of Gatorade the morning after. Perfect Match: The girl doing tequila shots.
Whiskey: This dude probably enjoys country music and owns at least one shirt with the sleeves cut off. He likes to think of himself as a modern-day cowboy, yet is incapable of riding a horse. Perfect Match: The girl drinking pink sparkling wine out of the bottle.
Four Loko: He’s too young for you, gurl. Perfect Match: The girl drinking Smirnoff Ice/Mike’s Hard Lemonade/Bacardi Breezers.
Gin: I still can’t think of a group of people who actually drink gin so I’m just going to go with hipsters again. Perfect Match: The girl wearing thick rimmed glasses and an “ironic” t-shirt.
Cristal: He’s either Drake or Kanye West. Perfect Match: Big booty bitches.
So next time you leave your house with the intention of combining romantic interactions and heavy drinking, I advise that you keep this list handy. It’s totally basically kind of almost not really guaranteed that you’ll find your soulmate. And hey, even if you don’t, just have a couple shots and I’m sure you’ll feel better. Cause drinking totally solves everything, right? … Uhh here’s this just in case: http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash
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