I'm totally writing the next 50 Shades of Grey.

I leave for university in three days. THREE DAYS. Considering the fact that I’ve taken naps which exceeded that amount of time, it’s safe to say that I’m currently under about as much stress as a minivan used to transport a support group for the morbidly obese. Since I’m still at the stage where putting off packing seems like an okay thing to do (it’s totally not, but I’m over it), I’ve spent the last few days doing what I do best: procrastinating by watching shit like America’s Next Top Model, drinking a lot of caffeinated beverages and painting my nails. But I’ve tossed something else into the mix in an attempt to have a hip topic to discuss whilst meeting my new university peeps (lord knows I’ll need the help considering the fact that I just used “hip”, “whilst” and “peeps” in the same sentence): I’ve started reading 50 Shades of Grey. If you seriously don’t know what 50 Shades of Grey is by now, please remove your head from your ass and go look it up on Amazon. I’m not explaining what it is because I already had to deal with the trauma of purchasing it from an elderly cashier at Indigo and I really don’t want to relive the judgement. Anyways, I’m not that far into the book, but I’ve read enough to reach the conclusion that I could TOTALLY write this shit! If you weren’t already aware of this, I make a whole lot of terrible, corny jokes, and since 50 Shades of Grey is 90% cheesy pick-up lines (the other 10% being food porn, mild alcohol abuse and strongly worded emails) I figure I’ve got what it takes to pen the next big erotica romantic bestseller. I realize that in order for my novel to become wildly successful and make me immense amounts of money, I’m going to need to strike while the metaphorical iron is still hot and start it ASAP. I’ve already drafted a list of preliminary ideas in the form of puntastic synopses. They’re all pretty damn good if you ask me, but I’ll let you be the judge. Read on!

•50 Shades of Clay: A famous sculptor and his young prodigy embark on a romance far more heated than any kiln. She came to learn the art of pottery. She ended up learning so much more.
•50 Shades of Hay: A rancher’s daughter and a lowly stablehand begin a torrid love affair behind barn doors. But will he be able to “reign” her in for good? Giddy up, indeed.
•50 Shades of Cray: Two dangerous patients in an insane asylum meet while waiting for frontal lobotomies and discover a spark that no electroshock treatment could ever replicate and no straitjacket could ever restrain.
•50 Shades of Flay: Two budding culinary students must cope with the stress of working under Iron Chef Bobby Flay. You know what they say: If you can’t handle the heat, have sex in the kitchen.
•50 Shades of Whey (Protein): Two bodybuilders find themselves drawn to each other’s primal grunts and profuse amounts of sweat while occupying the same weight room. Will their hearts prove to be their strongest muscles of all, or will their training prove to be futile?
•50 Shades of Sleigh: The North Pole can get pretty cold during the other eleven months of the year. Santa and Mrs. Clause have to stay warm somehow…
•50 Shades of Tupee: Something involving Donald Trump. I haven’t hammered out the finer details yet.
•50 Shades of Billy Ray: A mulleted country star relies upon an underaged white-trash groupie to mend his achey breakey heart. When the trailers a-rocking, don’t come a-knocking
•50 Shades of Filet: An epic romance starring that one chick from Ni**as In Paris who orders the fish filet. Or two people in a fishing village, once again I haven’t worked out the finer details.
•50 Shades of Kay: Rival jewellers embark on an intense quest to run each other out of business, but soon find themselves engulfed in the throes of passion. They say every kiss begins with Kay. So do some other things.
•50 Shades of Eh: Two Mounties in the Canadian Rockies must work together to capture a moose poacher with a diabolical plan to deprive the nation of maple syrup. What happens in the Great White North, stays in the Great White North.
•50 Shades of LOL JK: Two internet trolls meet after simultaneously invoking Rule 34 in a Doctor Who forum. Will they end up a living testament to Rule 63, or will they be #ForeverAlone?
•50 Shades of Heyyyy: It started with a sloppy drunk text. It ended with a love story for the ages.
•50 Shades of Oy Vey: Rumor has it that Mordecai Goldenberg is pretty fly for a rabbi. This Hanukkah, he’s setting out to prove that statement very, very right.

You’re totally itching to get your hands on those books right now aren’t you? I have a way with literature, I know. But unfortunately you’re going to have to wait until I snag a publishing deal with Oprah, I’m sorry to disappoint. If it’s any consolation I’ll totally sign your copies with a heart or an eagle or something badass like that next to my name to make them special and catch you more money when you inevitably sell them on eBay. Anyways I must be off, I have a bestseller to write. I’ll try to remember you little people when I’m famous!