Men are like bras.

I’ve had many a strange epiphany in my life. From unearthing my resemblance to Justin Bieber to discovering the fact that people genuinely DO look like their dogs, I’m essentially the Queen of Noticing Weird Shit About the World. That being said, today brought about yet another one of my bizarre realizations: men are like bras. Yep, you heard me. Men are like bras. Admittedly, it’s one of the weirder ideas to spiral forth from the annexes of my brain, but I swear it totally makes sense when you think about it. My journey toward this enlightened idea began when I was getting dressed this morning. I hadn’t had my coffee yet and as such was approximately as mentally functional as a pinecone, so when I put on my (particularly comfortable) bra I groggily thought to myself that it felt like wearing a hug. A boob-hug. I then mentally remarked that bras would make good boyfriends, because yes, I make jokes in my head. And I laugh at them. Take me for what I am. Anyways, back to my anecdote. As the day progressed, I found that the bra-boyfriend idea kept popping into my head over and over again, so when I found my mind wandering during a particularly dry lecture it was the first thing on my thought-docket. That’s when the parallels came rushing in. I swear, bras may be man’s collective spirit-animal; the similarities are undeniable! Don’t believe me? Fortunately for you, I wrote them all down instead of taking notes (which is awkward considering that the person sitting next to me kept staring at my screen, but hey, at least I wasn’t viewing a dick pic on my phone like that guy in my Psych 101 class last year). Read on, and prepare for your mind to be BLOWN!

Similarity #1: Men and bras both come in all different shapes, sizes and colours.
A-cups. D-cups. Sports bras. Push-ups. Cotton. Lace. Ribbon. While men and bras may not bear a physical resemblance to one another or share a similar material-makeup, both are incredibly diverse groups. No two men are exactly alike, and the same can be said for bras (unless they’re manufactured that meticulously, which I doubt they are).

Similarity #2: Women have different types.
As with the men they date, every woman has a unique set of wants and needs when it comes to her bras. You have to experiment a bit and try on different types before you find the one that’s right for you, and chances are that you’ll make some poor choices along the way. However, the trial and error is all worth it because it enables you to someday find true (double-cup) love.

Similarity #3: Women avoid them until puberty hits.
The magic of pubescence brings about both the need for romantic attention and the need for a garment that prevents nips-ahoy debacles. Is it a coincidence that the cooties-phase ends at the same time that the boobies-phase begins? I think not.

Similarity #4: Some women just don’t like them.
Some ladies will never like men, and some ladies will never like bras. While some people may frown upon these facts, they’re ultimately both personal things that should be respected. So fuck the haters; you do you, gurls, whether that means embracing your sexuality or simply free-boobing every once in awhile. (Sidenote: taking off your bra at the end of a long day is akin to every female’s occasional male-free sabbatical.)

Similarity #5: It’s great if they’re nice to look at, but there are more important things.
Pretty bras are awesome. So are pretty boys. But the fact of the matter is that there are more vital things at play. If a bra is nice-looking but serves no purpose beyond that, what’s the point? Don’t waste your money. The same goes for handsome gents who lack the personality to back it up, but with time replacing money. Beauty is meaningless without substance, so don’t be drawn in by baseless lust.

Similarity #6: The best ones are supportive.
Bras gained the nickname of “over-the-shoulder boulder-holders” for a good reason: the right ones keep everything in place regardless of what you’re doing. Support is therefore vital to determining a bra’s quality, which can also be said for men. No woman should ever be with a man who doesn’t support her in all of her endeavors; you don’t need someone acting like a bandeau when you really need thick straps and a sturdy underwire, after all.

Similarity #7: They should never hurt you.
If a bra is causing you pain, you need to get rid of it. The same goes for a guy. Sure, it’s okay if they bother you every once in awhile (a twisted strap, an argument about who controls the remote…) but ultimately you should feel comfortable with them. The second that comfort disappears for a prolonged period of time and is replaced by ceaseless hurt, it’s time to chuck ‘em and find something better.

Similarity #8: They need to give you the right amount of space.
Finding the right band size is vital to purchasing a properly fitted bra. You need to ensure that it’s not too tight or too loose, and offers just the right amount of breathing room. This balance also needs to be found in relationships; no one wants to be smothered or abandoned by their significant other, and instead must strive for a happy medium. Several sets of hooks help in both cases.

Similarity #9: Don’t show them off in inappropriate ways.
No one likes to witness excessive PDA, whether it’s with a boyfriend or a bra. It’s more than okay to be happy with both, but it’s not so okay to aggressively rub them in people’s faces. The moral of the story here? Keep your clothes on in both cases.

Similarity #10: Their worlds revolve around boobs.
Bras spend all day cupping a pair of boobs. Men WISH they could spend all day cupping a pair of boobs. Need I say more?

Similarity #11: You shouldn’t put them in the laundry machine.
This may come as a surprise to you, but you shouldn’t put bras OR boys in the laundry machine. It warps their shape! I learned the hard way, trust me. With, um, a bra, of course… Ahem.

So, do you believe me now? I hope so, because I’m thinking of founding a new field of thought called philbrasophy or publishing a relationship guide called “Find a Dude by Minding Your Boobs” and I’m going to need a fanbase. If you’re still unconvinced, here’s an M. Night Shyamalan-level plot twist that might get your gears going: guys often refer to each other as “bro”. Sometimes, the pronunciation is changed so that it sounds like… Wait for it… “BRA”. Yeah. YEAH. Drink. That. In. Anyways, I’m off to the sweat lodges in search of my next great epiphany. Thanks for listening to me spit(bra)lling, and keep on keepin’ (bra)n boys and girls! ... It's been a long day, I'm sorry.