The beginning of a new year is the perfect time to reflect on the past, embrace the present, and plan for the future. It's also the perfect time to get embarrassingly drunk and throw up on a new, presumably sparkly outfit, and to set goals for self improvement that are guaranteed to fail by March. God bless. In order to celebrate the dawning of 2012, I decided to look back on the wonderfully awful year that was 2011 and utilize my painfully bad sense of humor and the handy dandy interweb to summarize some of the biggest highlights. Brace yourselves folks.
Warning: The following jokes are really, really bad. I use the term "joke" very loosely.
Warning 2: Seriously? You're still going to read them? Are you dumb?
Warning 3: Yep, it would seem that you are in fact dumb. I feel bad. Oh well. Here they are.
William and Kate finally got married after years of courtship, inspiring the fairy tale dreams of young girls everywhere. I’m happy for the couple and won’t make fun of them, but I will point out the fact that Princess Beatrice’s hat totally looked like a uterus.
Charlie Sheen was urged to seek medical attention after reportedly banging enough seven-gram rocks to kill Two and a Half Men.
Justin Bieber’s rise to stardom resulted in many people from his hometown contacting the tabloids with stories from his childhood. The stories were from 2010.
World Hide-and-Seek Champion Osama Bin Laden was killed by the US, but their battle is not over. 7 horcruxes remain.
The Apple iPad achieved wild success despite having a name that makes it sound like a high tech feminine hygiene product.
Jessica Simpson was one of many celebrities to announce a pregnancy. Members of her family have requested that people refrain from referring to it as a "bun in the oven", as they don't want her to spend the next 9 months wondering if it's a baby or a loaf of bread.
Amy Winehouse became one of many celebrities to die tragically young due substance abuse. Listening to her song “Rehab” is now really fucking awkward.
Rebecca Black became famous after releasing a song in which she struggles with great internal conflict over two seat options in a convertible. For the sake of humanity, I pray she never winds up on a half empty bus.
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' elaborate wedding proved to be a waste of money when they divorced after 72 days. Sources close to the family claim that the marriage failed due to the fact that Kim Kardashian realized that her husband was someone who would marry Kim Kardashian.
Tragically, Michelle Duggar miscarried while pregnant with her 20th child. Fortunately, her family has been comforted by statistical evidence that 15% of all "Your Mom" jokes still refer to her.
"Kim Jong Il" is now "Kim Jong Dead."
Chances are you cringed at least three times while reading those and may have broken out in hives. But hey, I told you I'm not in any way funny, and THAT'S what you get for ignoring my warnings. Anyways, Happy New Year everyone! May all of your futile resolutions provide you with temporary hope for the future.
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