The Slut Scale

Ladies, we’ve all been there. You’re getting ready for some event; perhaps a night on the town, a job interview, or dinner with friends. After tossing on your ensemble for the occasion, you give yourself the ol’ once-over in the mirror, and a habitual question crosses your mind: do I look slutty in this? It is a thought that has plagued womankind seemingly since the beginning of time; indeed, historians have discovered a series of runes that appear to portray a cavewoman pondering whether or not her new pelt left enough to the imagination. Despite its persistence through time, however, the answer still isn’t a simple one to ascertain. There are many factors at play when determining an outfit’s sluttiness, and many go beyond the simple realm of tits and ass. But fear not, my friends, for I have a solution to this predicament. I present to you… The Slut Scale! The system is as follows: in order to determine an outfit’s sluttiness, just look through the list below and add up the points listed beside any relevant items. After calculating your score, find the corresponding level on the Slut Scale (found beneath the list) and you’ll have your simple answer to the age old question of “to slut, or not to slut.” Shall we begin?

DISCLAIMER: I want to make it very clear that my intention in writing this is to amuse, not to offend. I am by no means attempting to “slut shame” or insinuate that females shouldn’t dress a certain way in any way shape or form. I am a firm believer that all women should be able to dress however they want without fear of being assessed or judged for it by their peers, and the last thing I would want is for this to be perceived as an attack on feminism or anything of the sort. This is not meant to provide people with a means by which to criticize others for their wardrobe or lifestyle choices. Like I said, this is all supposed to be in good fun. I apologize if I anger anyone with what I say, that isn’t what I’m trying to do! Peace and love etc. Now, onto the Slut Scale…

1. Cleavage: Based upon percentage of visible boob
a) 0-20%: 0 points.
b) 21-30%: 1 point.
c) 31-40%: 2 points.
d) 41-50%: 3 points.
e) Over 51%: 4 points. Sidenote: are you even wearing a shirt?
2. Midriff: Based on amount shown. If midriff is exposed due to a sheer shirt, deduct one point from the score that corresponds to that level of exposure.
a) Smallish strip of skin exposed between pants and shirt: 1 point.
b) Medium strip of skin exposed beginning just above the bellybutton and ending where pants are: 3 points.
c) Large strip of exposed skin from beneath the bra line to where pants are: 4 points.
3. Ass (through tight pants or skirt): 1 point if opaque, 2 if see-through.
4. Ass (falling out of shorts or skirt): 4 points.
5. Side boob: 3 points.
6. Underboob: 4 points.
7. Nips: Depends how cold it is. Nah, I’m kidding, let’s say 4 points if you live in the 21st century or 2 points if you happen to be from the cast of Friends (seriously, did bras not exist in the 90s?)
8. Leather: 1 point for every leather item, 3 points if the fit of the item is akin to that of spandex.
9. Heels between 0-2 inches: 0 points. But let’s not kid ourselves, no one under the age of 40 wears heels that small anyways…
10. Heels between 2 and 4 inches: 1 point.
11. Heels between 4-6 inches: 2 points.
12. Heels over 6 inches: 3 points.
13. Knee high boots: 0 points if worn with pants, 1 point if worn with a short skirt or shorts. Note: points must also be added for height of heel.
14. Thigh high boots: 2 points if worn with pants, 3 points if worn with a short skirt or shorts. As with the knee high boots, points must also be added for height of heel.
15. Red lipstick by itself: 1 point.
16. Smokey eye makeup by itself: 1 point.
17. Red lipstick and smokey eye makeup worn in combination: 3 points.
18. Vaginal visibility: 0 points if unintentional (ie. Camel toe caused by riding up of undergarments that is soon discreetly fixed on a trip to the washroom), 5 points if intentional (ie. “I’m not wearing panties under this breezy skirt because I YOLO like that!”).
19. Thong/g-string straps visible: 0 points if you’re an extra in the music video for Sisqo’s “Thong Song”, 4 points if you’re anyone else.
20. Backless: If backless to just below shoulder blades, 1 point. A little further? 2 points. Backless to just above the ass? 4 points.
21. Lacy and/or colourful and/or bedazzled bra visible through shirt: 2 points.
22. Blatant possession of Daddy Issues: 5 points.
23. Cardigan: deduct 2 point if it is unbuttoned but does a bit of concealing, and 3 points if it is buttoned up enough to achieve a slight air of class.
24. Properly concealed undergarments: Deduct 2 points.

So, how did you score? Read on…

0-5 points: Level 1 - NOT SLUTTY

Congrats, you don’t look slutty! Scoring in this range means that, except for in a few cases of odd scoring (ie. You score 4 points and all 4 are because your thong is waving hello to the world), your outfit is acceptable for a day out and about in the public eye at the very least and a formal brunch with your grandparents at the very most. You’re totally wearing a cardigan, aren’t you? Those things work wonders.

6-9 points: Level 2 - SUGGESTIVE

Scoring in this range means that your outfit has a bit of sex appeal to it, but it’s not in your face. It’s socially acceptable in most settings in the evening, but maybe not during the daylight hours. Your ensemble is provocative, but classy nonetheless.

10-15 points: Level 3 - A LITTLE BIT SLUTTY

Okay, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but if you score in this range you’re starting to look a little bit slutty. I mean, you look totally hot, but I can see a few more parts of you than I should ideally be able to see. But hey, if you’re okay with that and have the intention of flaunting some of your biznaz for everyone to see, then the power to you!

16-25 points: Level 4 - SLUTTY

If you scored in this range, I honestly think Julia Roberts wore more clothing than you’re currently wearing while filming the movie Pretty Woman. And that’s before meeting Richard Gere’s character, not after. Honey, you look like a slut. I’m willing to let it slide this one time, but maybe buy a shirt that looks a bit less like dental floss the next time you go shopping, okay?

25+: Level 5 - WAIT, ARE YOU NAKED?

Yikes. Is that your…? Oh god, please put on some more substantial clothing, people are eating in here and there’s no way that’s sanitary! I just want to give you a turtleneck and a hug. Well, maybe not the hug, I don’t want to brush up against anything that should really just be between you and your general practitioner. Maybe I’ll give you a Bible instead? I’m not even a tiny bit religious but for some reason that seems like a good idea. In the words of Hamlet, to a nunnery, go!

So there you have it: The Slut Scale. Admittedly the logic and calculation methods behind it are primitive at best, but it should still give you a fair estimate as to the appropriateness of any given outfit. But remember, my intention here was to amuse, so naturally none of this should be taken too seriously. Just keep doing you, gurlz! Unless you actually think my poorly-crafted system produces somewhat accurate results… In that case, bring on my Nobel Prize in Slut Studies! That’ll look great on a resume.