If the Toronto Maple Leafs were members of the Fellowship of the Ring.

One Cup to rule them all…

As a Canadian, I’ve been exposed to hockey pretty much ever since my cells started to multiply. But to be honest, I never really gave a damn about the sport until this season when my home team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, miraculously pulled their heads out of their asses and actually started doing well after years of being the butt of basically every hockey joke ever. Suddenly, I’m riveted by the whole shebang. The proof: I’m currently coated in a cold layer of sweat after watching game four of the playoffs against Boston. Anyone who knows me well will probably be quick to point out that I sweat pretty much all the time, but I swear that this is a different kind of sweat: the sweat of a hockey fan (I know I’m not a real fan, just let me tell myself what I need to tell myself). Now, I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to the actual game, I have no idea what I’m talking about. I understand the basics of course, but when people start speaking in technical terms, they completely lose me. But I'm not a completely lost cause: I've experienced the wide spectrum of feelings associated with the game (anxiety, glee, sadness, indigestion), and I’m starting to learn a fair amount about some of the players. And this is what has brought me here today. While I was watching the three-hour long stressfest that was tonight’s game, I realized something: the social dynamics among the Leafs are totally similar to those within the Fellowship from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I know that that’s probably the weirdest connection I could possibly draw, but I swear it actually makes sense. Each character from the Fellowship has a kindred spirit in one of the Leafs, and the parallel can even be extended to their Boston nemeses. Just humour me for a minute, and I’ll explain my logic. Let’s start with Frodo…

FRODO- Dion Phaneuf
Phaneuf is the captain of the Leafs, just like Frodo is the “leader” of the Fellowship. But despite their leadership positions, both Phaneuf and Frodo have a tendency to fuck things up. Their hearts are in the right place, but sometimes you can’t help but wish that they would just sit down and stay out of trouble while someone else does their job for them. Luckily, both Phaneuf and Frodo have faithful companions to clean up their messes. Otherwise, they would be in for a thorough ass-whooping.

SAM- James van Riemsdyk
JVR is relatively new to the Leafs, just like Sam is to the world of adventure. But despite having less experience than some of their peers, JVR and Sam are incredibly loyal to their friends (or teammates) and summon the courage to aid them in their quest however they can. Their dedication is vital to the overall success of their respective groups, and they are known to be very reliable.

GANDALF- James Reimer
Both Gandalf and Reimer function as the glue that holds their team together. When things REALLY go to shit, the wizard and the goalie are always there to save the day (or goal). Also, Gandalf’s infamous “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” is undeniably applicable in Reimer’s position as well.

ARAGORN- Nazem Kadri
Aragorn and Kadri are definitely two of the most important members of their respective groups. Both are incredibly talented, and while they may not be official leaders, they don’t hesitate to guide their companions when needed and to go after what they want when an opportunity presents itself. They’re proactive individuals and don’t hesitate to jump on the offensive, but they also function really well as units within a team. Their versatile nature is their most positive attribute.

LEGOLAS- Mikhail Grabovski
Legolas and Grabovski are what I refer to as slippery snakes. They possess remarkable skill with their chosen weapons, the bow and the hockey stick, and their agility allows them to weave in and out of enemies with ease. These dudes have major finesse; they make every one of their actions look good. And let’s not forget the long, majestic blond flow that Grabovski used to have. It’s like he took a page straight out of Legolas’ style book.

BOROMIR- Colton Orr
Boromir and Orr are hot tempered and quick to get into fights, and at times this tendency can interfere with the goals they’re supposed to be pursuing as part of a team. They’re both strong-willed as well as physically strong, and upon doing a Google image comparison they even kind of look alike. Well, they’re both tall and blond and that’s enough for me. U mad?

GIMLI- Phil Kessel
Both Gimli and Kessel are stocky, powerful firecrackers who are always eager to get in on the action or take charge. If only Kessel’s beard was just a few feet longer and a bit more red… I would totally be able to use #twinning in a justifiable context.

MERRY AND PIPPIN- Joffrey Lupul and Tyler Bozak
Like Merry and Pippin, Lupul and Bozak make an unreal team. The two constantly play off each other, and make it possible to do things that neither could accomplish on their own. I was tempted to put Lupul down as Legolas because they both have crazy dreamy eyes, but the camaraderie between him and Bozak was the clincher here. Dare I call it a bromance? I’m not sure. But regardless, Merry and Pippin and Lupul and Bozak show that sometimes, two is indeed better than one.

And now for the bad guys… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw

SAURON- Tuukka Rask
Rask seems like an unlikely match with the epitome of evil that is Sauron, but when you think about it, the goalie is ultimately the final obstacle between the Leafs and success. Like Sauron, he must be defeated in order for the grand quest to finally be successful, or, in the case of hockey, for a goal to be scored. And if you sort of squint, Rask’s helmet kind of makes him look like a giant eye… Just kind of.

GOLLUM- Zdeno Chara
Chara just looks like Gollum. Plain and simple. Also, both Chara and Gollum are ANNOYING AS FUCK. Boom. Roasted. (My apologies to Chara and his family. But cmon, it's not my fault he's so Gollumy!)

So, have I convinced you? I’m guessing not, since my limited knowledge of hockey probably means that 90% of the things I’ve stated are wrong. But hey, I tried my best, and I hope that at the very least my misinformed musings have provided Leaf fans with something to dull the lingering pain from tonight’s game. On that note, it's time for some motivation! Keep your chins up, folks: you need to have faith in the Fellowship of the hockey world. The good guys in stories always win; let’s just hope that trend translates into the real world. UNTIL GAME FIVE, BOSTON. Until. Game. Five.