One Cup to rule them all…
As a Canadian, I’ve been exposed to hockey pretty much ever since my cells started to multiply. But to be honest, I never really gave a damn about the sport until this season when my home team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, miraculously pulled their heads out of their asses and actually started doing well after years of being the butt of basically every hockey joke ever. Suddenly, I’m riveted by the whole shebang. The proof: I’m currently coated in a cold layer of sweat after watching game four of the playoffs against Boston. Anyone who knows me well will probably be quick to point out that I sweat pretty much all the time, but I swear that this is a different kind of sweat: the sweat of a hockey fan (I know I’m not a real fan, just let me tell myself what I need to tell myself). Now, I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to the actual game, I have no idea what I’m talking about. I understand the basics of course, but when people start speaking in technical terms, they completely lose me. But I'm not a completely lost cause: I've experienced the wide spectrum of feelings associated with the game (anxiety, glee, sadness, indigestion), and I’m starting to learn a fair amount about some of the players. And this is what has brought me here today. While I was watching the three-hour long stressfest that was tonight’s game, I realized something: the social dynamics among the Leafs are totally similar to those within the Fellowship from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I know that that’s probably the weirdest connection I could possibly draw, but I swear it actually makes sense. Each character from the Fellowship has a kindred spirit in one of the Leafs, and the parallel can even be extended to their Boston nemeses. Just humour me for a minute, and I’ll explain my logic. Let’s start with Frodo…
FRODO- Dion Phaneuf
Phaneuf is the captain of the Leafs, just like Frodo is the “leader” of the Fellowship. But despite their leadership positions, both Phaneuf and Frodo have a tendency to fuck things up. Their hearts are in the right place, but sometimes you can’t help but wish that they would just sit down and stay out of trouble while someone else does their job for them. Luckily, both Phaneuf and Frodo have faithful companions to clean up their messes. Otherwise, they would be in for a thorough ass-whooping.
SAM- James van Riemsdyk
JVR is relatively new to the Leafs, just like Sam is to the world of adventure. But despite having less experience than some of their peers, JVR and Sam are incredibly loyal to their friends (or teammates) and summon the courage to aid them in their quest however they can. Their dedication is vital to the overall success of their respective groups, and they are known to be very reliable.
GANDALF- James Reimer
Both Gandalf and Reimer function as the glue that holds their team together. When things REALLY go to shit, the wizard and the goalie are always there to save the day (or goal). Also, Gandalf’s infamous “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” is undeniably applicable in Reimer’s position as well.
ARAGORN- Nazem Kadri
Aragorn and Kadri are definitely two of the most important members of their respective groups. Both are incredibly talented, and while they may not be official leaders, they don’t hesitate to guide their companions when needed and to go after what they want when an opportunity presents itself. They’re proactive individuals and don’t hesitate to jump on the offensive, but they also function really well as units within a team. Their versatile nature is their most positive attribute.
LEGOLAS- Mikhail Grabovski
Legolas and Grabovski are what I refer to as slippery snakes. They possess remarkable skill with their chosen weapons, the bow and the hockey stick, and their agility allows them to weave in and out of enemies with ease. These dudes have major finesse; they make every one of their actions look good. And let’s not forget the long, majestic blond flow that Grabovski used to have. It’s like he took a page straight out of Legolas’ style book.
BOROMIR- Colton Orr
Boromir and Orr are hot tempered and quick to get into fights, and at times this tendency can interfere with the goals they’re supposed to be pursuing as part of a team. They’re both strong-willed as well as physically strong, and upon doing a Google image comparison they even kind of look alike. Well, they’re both tall and blond and that’s enough for me. U mad?
GIMLI- Phil Kessel
Both Gimli and Kessel are stocky, powerful firecrackers who are always eager to get in on the action or take charge. If only Kessel’s beard was just a few feet longer and a bit more red… I would totally be able to use #twinning in a justifiable context.
MERRY AND PIPPIN- Joffrey Lupul and Tyler Bozak
Like Merry and Pippin, Lupul and Bozak make an unreal team. The two constantly play off each other, and make it possible to do things that neither could accomplish on their own. I was tempted to put Lupul down as Legolas because they both have crazy dreamy eyes, but the camaraderie between him and Bozak was the clincher here. Dare I call it a bromance? I’m not sure. But regardless, Merry and Pippin and Lupul and Bozak show that sometimes, two is indeed better than one.
And now for the bad guys… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw
SAURON- Tuukka Rask
Rask seems like an unlikely match with the epitome of evil that is Sauron, but when you think about it, the goalie is ultimately the final obstacle between the Leafs and success. Like Sauron, he must be defeated in order for the grand quest to finally be successful, or, in the case of hockey, for a goal to be scored. And if you sort of squint, Rask’s helmet kind of makes him look like a giant eye… Just kind of.
GOLLUM- Zdeno Chara
Chara just looks like Gollum. Plain and simple. Also, both Chara and Gollum are ANNOYING AS FUCK. Boom. Roasted. (My apologies to Chara and his family. But cmon, it's not my fault he's so Gollumy!)
So, have I convinced you? I’m guessing not, since my limited knowledge of hockey probably means that 90% of the things I’ve stated are wrong. But hey, I tried my best, and I hope that at the very least my misinformed musings have provided Leaf fans with something to dull the lingering pain from tonight’s game. On that note, it's time for some motivation! Keep your chins up, folks: you need to have faith in the Fellowship of the hockey world. The good guys in stories always win; let’s just hope that trend translates into the real world. UNTIL GAME FIVE, BOSTON. Until. Game. Five.
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
Monday, 1 April 2013
The Four Stages of Facebook Creeping
Every sixty seconds, someone falls victim to a Facebook creep. Recent studies have shown that the number of creeping incidents reported per day is increasing rapidly, and scientists believe that if the pattern continues, drastic measures of national defense may need to be taken. Tentative evidence even suggests that Facebook Creeping lies at the root of climate change and world hunger, and may have been responsible for Amelia Earhart’s mysterious disappearance over the Pacific Ocean in 1937.
…Okay, I might have made some of that up. But I’m currently in a crowded lecture and at least a quarter of the people I can see from where I’m sitting are lurking “The Facebook”, so I can’t be THAT wrong. When all of my maybe-true-maybe-false statistics are set aside, the fact of the matter is that every single Facebook user creeps at one point or another. If you deny it, you, Sir (or Madame), are a liar. I’m sure at least one person reading this will be quick to object, but I’m sticking to my guns. That being said, I have a caveat that may appease any doubters, and that caveat is that there are actually several different stages of Facebook creeping. Four, to be exact. Using the extremely precise scientific process that allowed me to obtain the highly factual information in my introduction, I have determined the characteristics of each of these four stages, and summarized them for educational purposes. Man, academic journals are going to be all over this! Anyways, read on, and prepare to start feeling self-conscious every time you’re online.
Stage 1 Creeping
It’s pretty much impossible to log on to Facebook without engaging in Stage 1 Creeping. If Facebook was a pool, Stage 1 Creeping would be akin to dipping your toes in on a hot summer’s day. The stage is characterised by casual scrolling through the news feed, perhaps with occasional pauses for the purpose of enlarging a popular picture, watching a viral video, or reading someone’s status.pausing occasionally to look at particularly intriguing posts or to enlarge a picture, but predominately just skimming. Since the Stage 1 Creep just skims through their feed, minimal clicking takes place, with the exception of the occasional liking of or commenting upon things posted by close friends. The average Stage 1 Creeping session lasts for approximately 5-10 minutes.
Stage 2 Creeping
Stage 2 Creeping is a step up from Stage 1, but is still socially acceptable. Going back to the pool metaphor, it’s the equivalent of wading in the shallow end. Stage 2 involves the liking and commenting mentioned in Stage 1, but these actions extend outside of the realm of people who you are good friends with. Perhaps you like the new profile picture or status update of someone you haven’t talked to in years or who you have only met once. Stage 2 could also entail flipping through someone’s entire album out of boredom, but only if it’s on your newsfeed. That’s the key to Stage 2: The “I saw it on my homepage!” defense still holds true and is admissible in a court of law. The average Stage 2 Creeping session lasts from 15-30 minutes.
Stage 3 Creeping
Stage 3 is the level of creeping where things start to get a little iffy. Almost everyone engages in these behaviours, but they’re still taboo so most people will deny them in order to avoid judgement. Stage 3 Creeping is like swimming around in the deep end of the pool while keeping your head above the water. Characteristic activities include going through the profile pictures of someone you know, looking at up to fifteen of their tagged photos, or scrolling through the most recent month of their timeline. These activities may be triggered by clicking on something on your newsfeed, but they cannot be classified as Stage 2 behaviours since they ultimately take place on a specific person’s profile. Stage 3 creeping sessions last an average of 45 minutes to 1 hour, and generally involve the lurking of multiple individual’s profiles. The “I saw it on my homepage!” defense is no longer admissible in a court of law.
Stage 4 Creeping
Stage 4 Creeping is often caused by extreme boredom and/or sociopathic tendencies and is synonymous with the colloquial term “Facebook Stalking”. At this point, you’re doing a big ol’ cannonball into the pool and sinking to the very bottom, possibly urinating in the process. Listed below are some of the most common activities associated with Stage 4 Creeping. If only one or two of them are exhibited, then the Creeping Episode is classified as a low-grade one. An episode is classified as extreme if three or more are exhibited and the creeping spans across several profiles.
1. Going through 20 or more of someone’s tagged photos.
2. Looking through an album that is more than a month old and not located on the newsfeed.
3. Clicking on the “Likes” section of someone’s profile and actually looking at stuff.
4. Scrolling through a minimum of one year of a person’s timeline (or any section of the timeline that is more than two years old).
5. Browsing through someone’s “Friends”.
6. Clicking on the “Map” section of their profile. (Sidenote: If you’re the type of person who signs in to their gym on Facebook every time they go, I hope people Stage 4 Creep you so you’re judged accordingly.)
7. Looking through someone’s “About” section and using any links to their Twitter/Instagram/Pinterest/LinkedIn/Neopets accounts for further creeping purposes.
8. Doing anything else that calls the expression “Stranger Danger” to mind.
Any of the behaviours listed in Stage 3 are also classified as Stage 4 behaviours if they take place on the profile of someone who you don’t actually have as a Facebook Friend. Let’s be real, we’ve all done it. Wait… You haven’t? Oh. Um, neither have I! That would be totally weird. Haha! Ha… Anyways. Stage 4 Creeping episodes can last anywhere from an hour to a lifetime (I’m looking at you, dudes who message pickup lines to girls they don’t know), and the “I saw it on my homepage!” defense DEFINITELY doesn’t hold true. Which is unfortunate, because if anyone’s going to be at the bad side of a lawsuit, it’s going to be a Stage 4 Creeper.
So there you have it: the four stages of Facebook creeping. Now, you might be thinking to yourself “This is the least accurate thing I’ve ever read, where did this girl get her facts from?” Well, let me tell you: I got them from some random person’s “About Me” section. PLOT TWIST! Nah, I’m just kidding. I obviously used science, didn’t you read to ANYTHING I said at the beginning? Geez. Anyways, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go study s- …Ooh, a new album! It’s creeping time.
…Okay, I might have made some of that up. But I’m currently in a crowded lecture and at least a quarter of the people I can see from where I’m sitting are lurking “The Facebook”, so I can’t be THAT wrong. When all of my maybe-true-maybe-false statistics are set aside, the fact of the matter is that every single Facebook user creeps at one point or another. If you deny it, you, Sir (or Madame), are a liar. I’m sure at least one person reading this will be quick to object, but I’m sticking to my guns. That being said, I have a caveat that may appease any doubters, and that caveat is that there are actually several different stages of Facebook creeping. Four, to be exact. Using the extremely precise scientific process that allowed me to obtain the highly factual information in my introduction, I have determined the characteristics of each of these four stages, and summarized them for educational purposes. Man, academic journals are going to be all over this! Anyways, read on, and prepare to start feeling self-conscious every time you’re online.
Stage 1 Creeping
It’s pretty much impossible to log on to Facebook without engaging in Stage 1 Creeping. If Facebook was a pool, Stage 1 Creeping would be akin to dipping your toes in on a hot summer’s day. The stage is characterised by casual scrolling through the news feed, perhaps with occasional pauses for the purpose of enlarging a popular picture, watching a viral video, or reading someone’s status.pausing occasionally to look at particularly intriguing posts or to enlarge a picture, but predominately just skimming. Since the Stage 1 Creep just skims through their feed, minimal clicking takes place, with the exception of the occasional liking of or commenting upon things posted by close friends. The average Stage 1 Creeping session lasts for approximately 5-10 minutes.
Stage 2 Creeping
Stage 2 Creeping is a step up from Stage 1, but is still socially acceptable. Going back to the pool metaphor, it’s the equivalent of wading in the shallow end. Stage 2 involves the liking and commenting mentioned in Stage 1, but these actions extend outside of the realm of people who you are good friends with. Perhaps you like the new profile picture or status update of someone you haven’t talked to in years or who you have only met once. Stage 2 could also entail flipping through someone’s entire album out of boredom, but only if it’s on your newsfeed. That’s the key to Stage 2: The “I saw it on my homepage!” defense still holds true and is admissible in a court of law. The average Stage 2 Creeping session lasts from 15-30 minutes.
Stage 3 Creeping
Stage 3 is the level of creeping where things start to get a little iffy. Almost everyone engages in these behaviours, but they’re still taboo so most people will deny them in order to avoid judgement. Stage 3 Creeping is like swimming around in the deep end of the pool while keeping your head above the water. Characteristic activities include going through the profile pictures of someone you know, looking at up to fifteen of their tagged photos, or scrolling through the most recent month of their timeline. These activities may be triggered by clicking on something on your newsfeed, but they cannot be classified as Stage 2 behaviours since they ultimately take place on a specific person’s profile. Stage 3 creeping sessions last an average of 45 minutes to 1 hour, and generally involve the lurking of multiple individual’s profiles. The “I saw it on my homepage!” defense is no longer admissible in a court of law.
Stage 4 Creeping
Stage 4 Creeping is often caused by extreme boredom and/or sociopathic tendencies and is synonymous with the colloquial term “Facebook Stalking”. At this point, you’re doing a big ol’ cannonball into the pool and sinking to the very bottom, possibly urinating in the process. Listed below are some of the most common activities associated with Stage 4 Creeping. If only one or two of them are exhibited, then the Creeping Episode is classified as a low-grade one. An episode is classified as extreme if three or more are exhibited and the creeping spans across several profiles.
1. Going through 20 or more of someone’s tagged photos.
2. Looking through an album that is more than a month old and not located on the newsfeed.
3. Clicking on the “Likes” section of someone’s profile and actually looking at stuff.
4. Scrolling through a minimum of one year of a person’s timeline (or any section of the timeline that is more than two years old).
5. Browsing through someone’s “Friends”.
6. Clicking on the “Map” section of their profile. (Sidenote: If you’re the type of person who signs in to their gym on Facebook every time they go, I hope people Stage 4 Creep you so you’re judged accordingly.)
7. Looking through someone’s “About” section and using any links to their Twitter/Instagram/Pinterest/LinkedIn/Neopets accounts for further creeping purposes.
8. Doing anything else that calls the expression “Stranger Danger” to mind.
Any of the behaviours listed in Stage 3 are also classified as Stage 4 behaviours if they take place on the profile of someone who you don’t actually have as a Facebook Friend. Let’s be real, we’ve all done it. Wait… You haven’t? Oh. Um, neither have I! That would be totally weird. Haha! Ha… Anyways. Stage 4 Creeping episodes can last anywhere from an hour to a lifetime (I’m looking at you, dudes who message pickup lines to girls they don’t know), and the “I saw it on my homepage!” defense DEFINITELY doesn’t hold true. Which is unfortunate, because if anyone’s going to be at the bad side of a lawsuit, it’s going to be a Stage 4 Creeper.
So there you have it: the four stages of Facebook creeping. Now, you might be thinking to yourself “This is the least accurate thing I’ve ever read, where did this girl get her facts from?” Well, let me tell you: I got them from some random person’s “About Me” section. PLOT TWIST! Nah, I’m just kidding. I obviously used science, didn’t you read to ANYTHING I said at the beginning? Geez. Anyways, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go study s- …Ooh, a new album! It’s creeping time.
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Why EVERYONE should love Valentine's Day.
Valentine’s Day sure faces a strange amount of hatred for a holiday that’s supposed to be all about love. For every E-card or mushy Facebook status I see each year, there are at least three jaded comments about how stupid the whole thing is waiting just around the corner. While I’m sure that some people have valid reasons for their deep-seated resentment toward the annual candy heart hullaballoo (the haunting memory of a childhood pet dying in a freak accident on the fourteenth of February, for example), the excuses provided by the overwhelming majority just ain’t cutting it for me. In my opinion, unless you’re one of the aforementioned individuals with PTSD from a tragic Valentine’s Day passed, there’s really no reason that you shouldn’t love it. And I’m about to put myself up to the momentous task of proving that to you. I’ve drafted a list of the five main categories of Valentine’s Day haters, and I’m going to attempt to shut down their arguments one by one. Will I succeed? Maybe, maybe not. But I’m trying to avoid writing a paper right now so this seems as good a method of procrastination as any. Alright, LET’S DO THIS THING.
H8r Group #1: Single girls.
Out of all of the Valentine’s Day haters known to man, single girls are the most aggressive by far. We’ve all heard or uttered something along the lines of this during early February: “Ugh, I HATE Valentine’s Day. It’s such a stupid holiday! YOU BITCH, I’M NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME ACUTELY AWARE OF HOW SINGLE I AM, HOW DARE YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT?!” Despite their extremely convincing lies about why they hate Valentine’s Day, single girls really just hate it because it does, in fact, make them acutely aware of how single they are. But ladies: it doesn’t have to be a bad thing! Being single allows you to partake in several fun Valentine’s traditions that “those stupid whores with boyfriends” can’t. While they’re out and about with their significant others, you know what you can to do? The following are just a handful of options:
1. Wear sweatpants and neglect your personal hygiene.
2. Get fat.
3. Get drunk.
4. Watch The Notebook and ugly-cry (Bonus: You can wipe your tears and snot on your sweatpants if you feel so inclined!)
5. Bond with your gal pals about how stupid and smelly boys are.
6. Get really drunk.
7. Take comfort in the fact that no one is creeping your couple photos on Facebook and fighting the urge to passive-aggressively comment about “how cute you two are!”
8. Be that person who creeps couple photos on Facebook and fights the urge to passive-aggressively comment about how cute couples are.
9. Did I mention that you can get drunk?
10. Seriously, just get drunk.
If you keep those ideas in mind, I guarantee you’ll have a new favourite holiday by the 15th. And a helpful life tip: maybe if you stopped whining so much, you’d get a boyfriend. Haha, just kidding! …Well that actually might be kind of helpful. In a nice way?
H8r Group #2: Guys in general.
The feelings of the male population toward Valentine’s Day are more of apathy than of hatred, but they still aren’t loving it so I’m sassing them out anyways. If you’re a single guy, only a simple realization stands between you and a newfound passion for the holiday: single girls get super desperate around Valentine’s Day, and if you play your cards right you can totally get laid. There you go, it’s as easy as that! Guys in relationships have less of an incentive to hop on St. Valentine (in retrospect that sounds a lot different than I intended it to…) since they get action on a more consistent basis. But boys, take the following into consideration: You’ve forgotten your girlfriend’s birthday three years in a row. You fart under the blankets and trap her within them on a daily basis. And she TOTALLY saw you staring at that other chick’s rack on your four-month anniversary. Dude, YOU OWE HER. Fortunately, statistics have shown that betches love Valentine’s Day, so it provides the perfect opportunity for you to redeem yourself. Now I’m sure some of you gents are under the misguided impression that girls are impossible to shop for and that she won’t be happy with anything that falls short of an underwear-clad cutout of David Beckham. You, good sirs, ARE WRONG (although the Beckham cutout would be an awesome gift. Just saying.) It’s RIDICULOUSLY easy to get a girl a satisfactory Valentine’s Day present. There are four sure-thing gift categories to select from: candy/chocolates, stuffed animals, flowers, and jewelry (the shinier, the better). So take half an hour out of your day, buy your significant other a teddy bear with a heart sewn between its paws AND STOP STARING AT THAT CHICK’S RACK DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING I JUST SAID?!
H8r Group #3: Anti-Capitalist conspiracy theorists.
Everyone has that one friend who kvetches about how Valentine’s Day is some huge capitalist money grab that preys upon our desires for material validation in our relationships and blah dee blah blah blah. I have one thing to say to them: So what? Even if that is the truth and we’re all being manipulated into buying cinnamon hearts by powerful corporations, I don’t get why it’s such a big deal. It probably does wonders for the economy; think of all the employment opportunities it creates! Somewhere out there is a tiny factory worker named Mowgli who spends his days painstakingly inscribing candy hearts with adorable captions. It is his life’s greatest passion. If Valentine’s Day is eradicated on the grounds of being overly capitalistic, poor little Mowgli will be out of a job and his existence will be void of a purpose. If that isn’t heart wrenching enough for you, please consider the fact that Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character in 500 Days of Summer works in the greeting card industry. The greeting card industry produces Valentine’s Day cards. Thus, if you continue to hate upon the occasion, JGL suffers. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, YOU HORRIBLE WRETCH? Didn’t think so. (#JGLforPope)
H8r Group #4: Hippies who think that love should be celebrated every day of the year.
People who denounce Valentine’s Day on the grounds that it makes it seem like we should only celebrate love only one day a year seem like they’re coming from the right place, but they’re still not escaping my wrath. I agree that it would be just peachy if people “celebrated love” every single day, but the fact of the matter is that people don’t. In our fast-paced society, people often forget to take the time to do little things for their loved ones, so as sad as it might seem, we really do need a set holiday to give us a shove in the direction of Hallmark and Godiva. Oh, and this one’s a real zinger: if you’re so opposed to setting aside one day of the year to celebrate something special, it’s probably best if we just cancel your birthday. After all, shouldn’t your life be celebrated every day of the year? Yeah. I went there. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES? Wow, that escalated quickly. I’ll just stop. Moving on!
H8r Group #5: Cupid.
Cupid seems like the last person who would hate Valentine’s Day, but in recent years quite the opposite has been true. Now a fully-grown, overweight 45 year-old man with high blood pressure and a receding hairline, Cupid has grown tired of having to slap on the ol’ diaper once a year and prancing around performing what he deems to be the “primitive task” of shooting arrows. He works nine to five at an insurance agency every other day of the year in order to support the three children he has with his wife, the Tooth Fairy, and claims that he’s “stressed out enough as it is”. Well, you know what Cupid? You know WHAT?! I… I actually don’t have a rebuttle. I have to be honest, I feel bad for the guy. Maybe we should give him the year off. Hey, maybe Legolas could fill in for him, he’s a fantastic archer! And I most certainly wouldn’t mind seeing Orlando Bloom in a diaper. Happy Valentine’s Day, indeed.
Now here’s where I get a little mushy. All jokes aside, I do think that Valentine’s Day is a great holiday. It’s not just about flowers and candy and rubbing your relationship status in everyone’s face. It’s about love. Not just romantic love, but friendly love and family love too. Try to think back to the kindergarten days when we used to give corny Star Wars or Barbie themed cards to every single one of our classmates, maybe even with a Hershey’s kiss stuck to the front if we were feeling generous. If you think of Valentine’s Day in that context, it’s hard to keep on disliking it. I mean really, what’s not to love? Pun fully intended. Awww yeah.
H8r Group #1: Single girls.
Out of all of the Valentine’s Day haters known to man, single girls are the most aggressive by far. We’ve all heard or uttered something along the lines of this during early February: “Ugh, I HATE Valentine’s Day. It’s such a stupid holiday! YOU BITCH, I’M NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME ACUTELY AWARE OF HOW SINGLE I AM, HOW DARE YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT?!” Despite their extremely convincing lies about why they hate Valentine’s Day, single girls really just hate it because it does, in fact, make them acutely aware of how single they are. But ladies: it doesn’t have to be a bad thing! Being single allows you to partake in several fun Valentine’s traditions that “those stupid whores with boyfriends” can’t. While they’re out and about with their significant others, you know what you can to do? The following are just a handful of options:
1. Wear sweatpants and neglect your personal hygiene.
2. Get fat.
3. Get drunk.
4. Watch The Notebook and ugly-cry (Bonus: You can wipe your tears and snot on your sweatpants if you feel so inclined!)
5. Bond with your gal pals about how stupid and smelly boys are.
6. Get really drunk.
7. Take comfort in the fact that no one is creeping your couple photos on Facebook and fighting the urge to passive-aggressively comment about “how cute you two are!”
8. Be that person who creeps couple photos on Facebook and fights the urge to passive-aggressively comment about how cute couples are.
9. Did I mention that you can get drunk?
10. Seriously, just get drunk.
If you keep those ideas in mind, I guarantee you’ll have a new favourite holiday by the 15th. And a helpful life tip: maybe if you stopped whining so much, you’d get a boyfriend. Haha, just kidding! …Well that actually might be kind of helpful. In a nice way?
H8r Group #2: Guys in general.
The feelings of the male population toward Valentine’s Day are more of apathy than of hatred, but they still aren’t loving it so I’m sassing them out anyways. If you’re a single guy, only a simple realization stands between you and a newfound passion for the holiday: single girls get super desperate around Valentine’s Day, and if you play your cards right you can totally get laid. There you go, it’s as easy as that! Guys in relationships have less of an incentive to hop on St. Valentine (in retrospect that sounds a lot different than I intended it to…) since they get action on a more consistent basis. But boys, take the following into consideration: You’ve forgotten your girlfriend’s birthday three years in a row. You fart under the blankets and trap her within them on a daily basis. And she TOTALLY saw you staring at that other chick’s rack on your four-month anniversary. Dude, YOU OWE HER. Fortunately, statistics have shown that betches love Valentine’s Day, so it provides the perfect opportunity for you to redeem yourself. Now I’m sure some of you gents are under the misguided impression that girls are impossible to shop for and that she won’t be happy with anything that falls short of an underwear-clad cutout of David Beckham. You, good sirs, ARE WRONG (although the Beckham cutout would be an awesome gift. Just saying.) It’s RIDICULOUSLY easy to get a girl a satisfactory Valentine’s Day present. There are four sure-thing gift categories to select from: candy/chocolates, stuffed animals, flowers, and jewelry (the shinier, the better). So take half an hour out of your day, buy your significant other a teddy bear with a heart sewn between its paws AND STOP STARING AT THAT CHICK’S RACK DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING I JUST SAID?!
H8r Group #3: Anti-Capitalist conspiracy theorists.
Everyone has that one friend who kvetches about how Valentine’s Day is some huge capitalist money grab that preys upon our desires for material validation in our relationships and blah dee blah blah blah. I have one thing to say to them: So what? Even if that is the truth and we’re all being manipulated into buying cinnamon hearts by powerful corporations, I don’t get why it’s such a big deal. It probably does wonders for the economy; think of all the employment opportunities it creates! Somewhere out there is a tiny factory worker named Mowgli who spends his days painstakingly inscribing candy hearts with adorable captions. It is his life’s greatest passion. If Valentine’s Day is eradicated on the grounds of being overly capitalistic, poor little Mowgli will be out of a job and his existence will be void of a purpose. If that isn’t heart wrenching enough for you, please consider the fact that Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character in 500 Days of Summer works in the greeting card industry. The greeting card industry produces Valentine’s Day cards. Thus, if you continue to hate upon the occasion, JGL suffers. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, YOU HORRIBLE WRETCH? Didn’t think so. (#JGLforPope)
H8r Group #4: Hippies who think that love should be celebrated every day of the year.
People who denounce Valentine’s Day on the grounds that it makes it seem like we should only celebrate love only one day a year seem like they’re coming from the right place, but they’re still not escaping my wrath. I agree that it would be just peachy if people “celebrated love” every single day, but the fact of the matter is that people don’t. In our fast-paced society, people often forget to take the time to do little things for their loved ones, so as sad as it might seem, we really do need a set holiday to give us a shove in the direction of Hallmark and Godiva. Oh, and this one’s a real zinger: if you’re so opposed to setting aside one day of the year to celebrate something special, it’s probably best if we just cancel your birthday. After all, shouldn’t your life be celebrated every day of the year? Yeah. I went there. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES? Wow, that escalated quickly. I’ll just stop. Moving on!
H8r Group #5: Cupid.
Cupid seems like the last person who would hate Valentine’s Day, but in recent years quite the opposite has been true. Now a fully-grown, overweight 45 year-old man with high blood pressure and a receding hairline, Cupid has grown tired of having to slap on the ol’ diaper once a year and prancing around performing what he deems to be the “primitive task” of shooting arrows. He works nine to five at an insurance agency every other day of the year in order to support the three children he has with his wife, the Tooth Fairy, and claims that he’s “stressed out enough as it is”. Well, you know what Cupid? You know WHAT?! I… I actually don’t have a rebuttle. I have to be honest, I feel bad for the guy. Maybe we should give him the year off. Hey, maybe Legolas could fill in for him, he’s a fantastic archer! And I most certainly wouldn’t mind seeing Orlando Bloom in a diaper. Happy Valentine’s Day, indeed.
Now here’s where I get a little mushy. All jokes aside, I do think that Valentine’s Day is a great holiday. It’s not just about flowers and candy and rubbing your relationship status in everyone’s face. It’s about love. Not just romantic love, but friendly love and family love too. Try to think back to the kindergarten days when we used to give corny Star Wars or Barbie themed cards to every single one of our classmates, maybe even with a Hershey’s kiss stuck to the front if we were feeling generous. If you think of Valentine’s Day in that context, it’s hard to keep on disliking it. I mean really, what’s not to love? Pun fully intended. Awww yeah.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
New Year's Resolutions That Don't Suck.
I’m not the biggest fan of New Year’s resolutions. People always make the same, generic ones and they always end up the same, tragic way. “I’m going to eat well and exercise!” Works out for two weeks then wakes up cuddling with a deep dish pizza. “I’m going to drink less!” Derailed by a depressed wine binge on Valentine’s Day. We all know the drill. For the first few weeks, you’re convinced that the goal you pledged to achieve while double-fisting bottles of cheap champagne on December 31st is totally attainable, but eventually you veer off course and forget the resolution all together. When I was eight my New Year’s resolution was to harness my (yet to be discovered) magical powers in preparation for my acceptance to Hogwarts, and as you can see that one didn’t work out too well. But despite the fact that my resolution ultimately failed (as far as the muggle population knows, at least), you have to hand it to my chubby, preteen self for coming up with something that differed from the norm. New Year’s resolutions should be something different and creative, and that’s precisely what inspired this post. After a bit of brainstorming, I created a list of twenty-five New Year’s resolutions that don’t totally suck. Hopefully one of them will strike a chord with you and make you realize that your commitment to spending more time with your family in the coming year is lame. Okay, that’s actually a good one... But so are the ones I came up with!
In 2013, I…
1. Will try to expand my photography repertoire beyond just selfies.
2. Will stop dousing myself in Axe for the sake of the ozone layer.
3. Won’t harp on my friends for eating real food just because I’m on a post-holiday health kick.
4. Will try to throw up and/or pass out in more appropriate locations while drunk.
5. Will stop constantly talking about how adorable my pets are regardless of how true it may be (just LOOK at that sweet little face!)
6. Will learn the difference between you’re and your (also there, their and they’re if I am feeling ambitious).
7. Won’t tell people I’m not wearing any makeup when I actually am (Kardashian ladies, this one’s for you).
8. Will stop my incessant chatter about Justin Bieber/One Direction/That one Australian guy who’s probably like twelve years old even if I think they’re totally dreamy.
9. Will drink more. YOLO.
10. Will stop saying YOLO.
11. Will make sure my nasal cavities are clear before writing tests since no one likes a sniffler.
12. Will delete Call Me Maybe off of my iPod and never sing it again.
13. Will enjoy things in moderation instead of obsessing over how they’re supposedly “bad” for me. Except for crack. Or heroin. Don’t do drugs, kids.
14. Will strive to wear something other than sweatpants and a hoodie at least once a week during the winter.
15. Will learn to chew gum without sounding like a cow.
16. Will try to be less bitter towards happy couples. Unless they’re really obnoxious. Matching sweaters? Really?
17. Will accept the fact that the Harry Potter series is over and stop bringing out my souvenir wand in public.
18. Won’t read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy on the subway since it makes my fellow passengers uncomfortable.
19. Will make an effort to maintain good oral hygiene or at the very least pop a mint if I notice people leaning away from me when I talk.
20. Won’t share intimate details about my bodily functions on the internet even if I expel something really unusual and think that everyone must know about it.
21. Won’t make the duck face in photos under any circumstances.
22. Will learn how to walk in heels without looking like a newborn foal with a stunted leg running on ice.
23. Will obey the Ten Commandments of Facebook (Not familiar with them? Check out my post from May! Not that I’m shamelessly self-promoting or anything. How did this link get here?! http://pleasejusthumourme.blogspot.ca/2012/05/ten-commandments-of-facebook.html)
24. Will accept the fact that Victoria’s Secret Angels are not mere mortals and stop comparing myself to them.
25. Will get back together with Taylor Swift despite what she says.
If none of these non-sucky resolutions tickle your fancy, fear not. I withheld one final resolution from the list and it’s the best one of all: In 2013, I just won’t make a New Year’s resolution. There’s really no way you can break a resolution like that, so your year can’t possibly be a failure. Well, unless you’re Lindsay Lohan. Poor girl. Happy New Year!
In 2013, I…
1. Will try to expand my photography repertoire beyond just selfies.
2. Will stop dousing myself in Axe for the sake of the ozone layer.
3. Won’t harp on my friends for eating real food just because I’m on a post-holiday health kick.
4. Will try to throw up and/or pass out in more appropriate locations while drunk.
5. Will stop constantly talking about how adorable my pets are regardless of how true it may be (just LOOK at that sweet little face!)
6. Will learn the difference between you’re and your (also there, their and they’re if I am feeling ambitious).
7. Won’t tell people I’m not wearing any makeup when I actually am (Kardashian ladies, this one’s for you).
8. Will stop my incessant chatter about Justin Bieber/One Direction/That one Australian guy who’s probably like twelve years old even if I think they’re totally dreamy.
9. Will drink more. YOLO.
10. Will stop saying YOLO.
11. Will make sure my nasal cavities are clear before writing tests since no one likes a sniffler.
12. Will delete Call Me Maybe off of my iPod and never sing it again.
13. Will enjoy things in moderation instead of obsessing over how they’re supposedly “bad” for me. Except for crack. Or heroin. Don’t do drugs, kids.
14. Will strive to wear something other than sweatpants and a hoodie at least once a week during the winter.
15. Will learn to chew gum without sounding like a cow.
16. Will try to be less bitter towards happy couples. Unless they’re really obnoxious. Matching sweaters? Really?
17. Will accept the fact that the Harry Potter series is over and stop bringing out my souvenir wand in public.
18. Won’t read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy on the subway since it makes my fellow passengers uncomfortable.
19. Will make an effort to maintain good oral hygiene or at the very least pop a mint if I notice people leaning away from me when I talk.
20. Won’t share intimate details about my bodily functions on the internet even if I expel something really unusual and think that everyone must know about it.
21. Won’t make the duck face in photos under any circumstances.
22. Will learn how to walk in heels without looking like a newborn foal with a stunted leg running on ice.
23. Will obey the Ten Commandments of Facebook (Not familiar with them? Check out my post from May! Not that I’m shamelessly self-promoting or anything. How did this link get here?! http://pleasejusthumourme.blogspot.ca/2012/05/ten-commandments-of-facebook.html)
24. Will accept the fact that Victoria’s Secret Angels are not mere mortals and stop comparing myself to them.
25. Will get back together with Taylor Swift despite what she says.
If none of these non-sucky resolutions tickle your fancy, fear not. I withheld one final resolution from the list and it’s the best one of all: In 2013, I just won’t make a New Year’s resolution. There’s really no way you can break a resolution like that, so your year can’t possibly be a failure. Well, unless you’re Lindsay Lohan. Poor girl. Happy New Year!
Monday, 10 December 2012
If App Descriptions Were More Honest...
I recently hopped on the iPhone bandwagon after years of claiming I never would. I’m ashamed of myself for being a conformist, but I’m an eighteen year old girl. Obviously resistance to a sleek device with a responsive touch screen and unlimited selfie-taking potential is futile. As a user of less than a month, I’m still a relatively new addition to the Cult of Apple, but I’m learning pretty damn quickly what it’s all about. Take apps (that’s the short form for “applications” if you’re over the age of sixty) for example. In just a few short weeks, I’ve already learned to look past what Apple claims these memory-zapping things are in order to encourage sales and to see their true colours. For the most part, their real purpose is a far cry from what you’re initially led to believe, and I feel it is my duty as a global citizen to bring this ruse to an end. Listed below are some of the most popular apps du jour, a description of them taken straight from the App Store, and a revised description that I feel is closer to the truth. Warning: what you’re about to read may shock and disturb you. But it probably won’t. I just thought I’d say that to build up some suspense.
App #1: Instagram
App Store description: “80 million users love Instagram! It’s a free, fun, and simple way to make and share gorgeous photos on your iPhone. Pick from one of several gorgeous filtered effects or tilt-shift blur to breathe new life into your mobile photos. Transform everyday moments into works of art you’ll want to share with friends and family.”
How it should really be described: #Show #your #peers #that #you’re #artsy #as #fuck #by #slapping #a #filter #on #a #mediocre #picture #also #if #you #want #more #likes #and #followers #show #cleavage #and #use #a #lot #of #obvious #hashtags.
App #2: Pic Stitch
App Store description: “Pic Stitch packs a simple design with a powerful editor to give you everything you could possibly want to make your photos simply amazing. Use Pic Stitch to create a before-and-after sequence, combine great photos of each of your kids, or produce a photographic series.”
How it should really be described: Make your Instragram photos that much artsier by combining multiple images into one big, filtered masterpiece! Ideal for when you’ve taken multiple selfies and can’t decide which one you like best.
App #3: Angry Birds
App Store description: “The survival of the Angry Birds is at stake. Dish out revenge to the greedy pigs who stole their eggs. Use the unique powers of each bird to destroy the pigs’ defenses. Angry Birds features challenging physics-based gameplay and hours of replay value. Each level requires logic, skill and force to solve.”
How it should really be described: The plot of Angry Birds makes absolutely no sense, but it’s probably some sort of political allegory. You will use absolutely no physics in the playing of this game, but you can pretend you do by saying the word ‘trajectory’ a lot when explaining it to your friends. Excellent for enabling procrastination and pissing off animal rights activists.
App #4: Shazam
App Store description: “Identify songs in as little as 1 second, preview or buy the track, get streaming lyrics, YouTube videos and more.”
How it should really be described: Shazam: because sometimes, you don’t catch enough of the lyrics to search them on Google.
App #5: CNN App for iPhone
App Store description: “Stay informed with the latest headlines and original stories from around the globe. Follow up-to-the-minute reporting with breaking news alerts and live video. Lead the conversation by sharing news and dig deeper into the stories that matter most to you.”
How it should really be described: Downloading the CNN App for iPhone is the perfect way to pretend you’re more informed about current events than you actually are. If you’re seeking to impress someone, just open it up, make a pensive face and hope that they look over your shoulder. Fool proof!
App #6: Words With Friends
App Store description: “Words With Friends- the game more of your friends are playing than any other word game! Experience for yourself why more than 20 million people are addicted to the word building, triple score seeking, chat bubble sending goodness of Words With Friends.”
How it should really be described: Words With Friends (which could be more accurately referred to as "Words With Strangers On The Internet") is basically just Scrabble, but waaaay cooler because it’s electronic. Half of the fun is trying to figure out what crude words are actually permitted. (Note: Dick is one of them.)
App #7: Snapchat
App Store description: “Real-time picture chatting is finally available on iPhone! Snapchat is the fastest way to share a moment with friends. You control how long your friends can view your message- simply set the timer up to ten seconds and send. They’ll have that long to view your message and then it disappears forever. We’ll let you know if they take a screenshot! Build relationships, collect points, and view your best friends. Snapchat is instantly fun and insanely playful. Show your friends how clever you can be and enjoy the lightness of being!”
How it should really be described: Aimed at high schoolers, Snapchat is the perfect app for sending naked pictures with a slightly reduced risk of having them forwarded to everyone in the recipient’s contact list! Knowing that someone has taken a screenshot of your risqué image is obviously enough to prevent it from spreading around, so go right ahead! There’s NO way it can go wrong, right?
App #8: Facetime
App Store description: I couldn’t find a description for Facetime in the App Store, probably because it is viewed as an iPhone “essential” and is already installed when you purchase the phone. Lame.
How it should really be described: Want people to know how hilarious and/or adorable you and your friends are? Facetime provides you with the perfect platform to take supposedly candid pictures of you and your homies making goofy faces, accidentally pouting and smouldering at the camera or having a totally genuine and not staged laugh together, all mid-conversation!
App #9: I’d Cap That
App Store description: “I’d Cap That takes your normal photo and selects the perfect, most hysterically crude caption and slaps it on top. If you don’t LOL right away, refresh the caption for optimal hilarity. You and your friends will have an absolute blast capping your pics. Never before has anything ever made you laugh this hard.”
How it should really be described: Most likely created by a frat guy, I’d Cap That is occasionally funny but is mostly just a lot of jokes about sexual acts involving the butt. Must be inebriated for optimal enjoyment.
App #10: IMDb Movies & TV
App Store description: “Find showtimes, watch trailers, browse photos, track your must-see list and rate your favorite movies and TV shows!”
How it should really be described: We’ve all been there: you’re watching a movie and can’t figure out who that-one-guy-who-looks-totally-familiar-and-must-have-been-in-something-else is. Fear not, IMDb Movies & TV has got your back! Search the title of the movie and scroll through the cast until you have an AHA! moment and are finally able to sleep at night.
App #11: Keek
App Store description: “Millions of users love Keek! It’s the fastest, easiest way to watch, record & share video updates on your iPhone.”
How it should really be described: Facebook and Twitter not enough for you? Wish people could know what you’re doing LITERALLY all the time in vivid detail? Then Keek is the app for you! Take videos of yourself doing shit that no one really cares about and share them with your friends, they’ll probably only be mildly annoyed by it!
App #12: Fruit Ninja
App Store description: “Fruit Ninja is a juicy action game enjoyed by millions of players around the world, with squishy, splatty and satisfying fruit carnage! Become the ultimate bringer of sweet, tasty destruction with every slash!”
How it should really be described: If you enjoy mindless fun and getting fingerprints all over your screen, you’ll be a big fan of Fruit Ninja! Hours of smeary fun.
App #13: Temple Run
App Store Description: “From the makers of the award-winning best-seller Harbor Master comes the most exhilarating running game on the App Store. Test your reflexes as you race down ancient temple walls and along sheer cliffs. Swipe to turn, jump and slide to avoid obstacles, collect coins and buy power ups, and see how far you can run!”
How it should really be described: Temple Run is a lot like every other game for the iPhone, except people get super competitive about it for some reason. Download Temple Run now and try to get a high score so you can screenshot it and brag to your friends!
And there you have it. I think we can all agree that if I was in charge of the descriptions in the App Store, the world would be a better, more honest place. There would be peace on Earth and climate change would be resolved. Omg, that gives me the best idea: I’m going to go take a selfie of myself looking thoughtful and Pic Stitch it with a satellite image of the Earth and Instagram it with a caption about “being the change” and a bunch of ecofriendly hashtags!! Man, iPhones are just the bee’s knees! But let it be said: I will NEVER get a Mac. Unless they go on sale… Then I’ll consider it.
App #1: Instagram
App Store description: “80 million users love Instagram! It’s a free, fun, and simple way to make and share gorgeous photos on your iPhone. Pick from one of several gorgeous filtered effects or tilt-shift blur to breathe new life into your mobile photos. Transform everyday moments into works of art you’ll want to share with friends and family.”
How it should really be described: #Show #your #peers #that #you’re #artsy #as #fuck #by #slapping #a #filter #on #a #mediocre #picture #also #if #you #want #more #likes #and #followers #show #cleavage #and #use #a #lot #of #obvious #hashtags.
App #2: Pic Stitch
App Store description: “Pic Stitch packs a simple design with a powerful editor to give you everything you could possibly want to make your photos simply amazing. Use Pic Stitch to create a before-and-after sequence, combine great photos of each of your kids, or produce a photographic series.”
How it should really be described: Make your Instragram photos that much artsier by combining multiple images into one big, filtered masterpiece! Ideal for when you’ve taken multiple selfies and can’t decide which one you like best.
App #3: Angry Birds
App Store description: “The survival of the Angry Birds is at stake. Dish out revenge to the greedy pigs who stole their eggs. Use the unique powers of each bird to destroy the pigs’ defenses. Angry Birds features challenging physics-based gameplay and hours of replay value. Each level requires logic, skill and force to solve.”
How it should really be described: The plot of Angry Birds makes absolutely no sense, but it’s probably some sort of political allegory. You will use absolutely no physics in the playing of this game, but you can pretend you do by saying the word ‘trajectory’ a lot when explaining it to your friends. Excellent for enabling procrastination and pissing off animal rights activists.
App #4: Shazam
App Store description: “Identify songs in as little as 1 second, preview or buy the track, get streaming lyrics, YouTube videos and more.”
How it should really be described: Shazam: because sometimes, you don’t catch enough of the lyrics to search them on Google.
App #5: CNN App for iPhone
App Store description: “Stay informed with the latest headlines and original stories from around the globe. Follow up-to-the-minute reporting with breaking news alerts and live video. Lead the conversation by sharing news and dig deeper into the stories that matter most to you.”
How it should really be described: Downloading the CNN App for iPhone is the perfect way to pretend you’re more informed about current events than you actually are. If you’re seeking to impress someone, just open it up, make a pensive face and hope that they look over your shoulder. Fool proof!
App #6: Words With Friends
App Store description: “Words With Friends- the game more of your friends are playing than any other word game! Experience for yourself why more than 20 million people are addicted to the word building, triple score seeking, chat bubble sending goodness of Words With Friends.”
How it should really be described: Words With Friends (which could be more accurately referred to as "Words With Strangers On The Internet") is basically just Scrabble, but waaaay cooler because it’s electronic. Half of the fun is trying to figure out what crude words are actually permitted. (Note: Dick is one of them.)
App #7: Snapchat
App Store description: “Real-time picture chatting is finally available on iPhone! Snapchat is the fastest way to share a moment with friends. You control how long your friends can view your message- simply set the timer up to ten seconds and send. They’ll have that long to view your message and then it disappears forever. We’ll let you know if they take a screenshot! Build relationships, collect points, and view your best friends. Snapchat is instantly fun and insanely playful. Show your friends how clever you can be and enjoy the lightness of being!”
How it should really be described: Aimed at high schoolers, Snapchat is the perfect app for sending naked pictures with a slightly reduced risk of having them forwarded to everyone in the recipient’s contact list! Knowing that someone has taken a screenshot of your risqué image is obviously enough to prevent it from spreading around, so go right ahead! There’s NO way it can go wrong, right?
App #8: Facetime
App Store description: I couldn’t find a description for Facetime in the App Store, probably because it is viewed as an iPhone “essential” and is already installed when you purchase the phone. Lame.
How it should really be described: Want people to know how hilarious and/or adorable you and your friends are? Facetime provides you with the perfect platform to take supposedly candid pictures of you and your homies making goofy faces, accidentally pouting and smouldering at the camera or having a totally genuine and not staged laugh together, all mid-conversation!
App #9: I’d Cap That
App Store description: “I’d Cap That takes your normal photo and selects the perfect, most hysterically crude caption and slaps it on top. If you don’t LOL right away, refresh the caption for optimal hilarity. You and your friends will have an absolute blast capping your pics. Never before has anything ever made you laugh this hard.”
How it should really be described: Most likely created by a frat guy, I’d Cap That is occasionally funny but is mostly just a lot of jokes about sexual acts involving the butt. Must be inebriated for optimal enjoyment.
App #10: IMDb Movies & TV
App Store description: “Find showtimes, watch trailers, browse photos, track your must-see list and rate your favorite movies and TV shows!”
How it should really be described: We’ve all been there: you’re watching a movie and can’t figure out who that-one-guy-who-looks-totally-familiar-and-must-have-been-in-something-else is. Fear not, IMDb Movies & TV has got your back! Search the title of the movie and scroll through the cast until you have an AHA! moment and are finally able to sleep at night.
App #11: Keek
App Store description: “Millions of users love Keek! It’s the fastest, easiest way to watch, record & share video updates on your iPhone.”
How it should really be described: Facebook and Twitter not enough for you? Wish people could know what you’re doing LITERALLY all the time in vivid detail? Then Keek is the app for you! Take videos of yourself doing shit that no one really cares about and share them with your friends, they’ll probably only be mildly annoyed by it!
App #12: Fruit Ninja
App Store description: “Fruit Ninja is a juicy action game enjoyed by millions of players around the world, with squishy, splatty and satisfying fruit carnage! Become the ultimate bringer of sweet, tasty destruction with every slash!”
How it should really be described: If you enjoy mindless fun and getting fingerprints all over your screen, you’ll be a big fan of Fruit Ninja! Hours of smeary fun.
App #13: Temple Run
App Store Description: “From the makers of the award-winning best-seller Harbor Master comes the most exhilarating running game on the App Store. Test your reflexes as you race down ancient temple walls and along sheer cliffs. Swipe to turn, jump and slide to avoid obstacles, collect coins and buy power ups, and see how far you can run!”
How it should really be described: Temple Run is a lot like every other game for the iPhone, except people get super competitive about it for some reason. Download Temple Run now and try to get a high score so you can screenshot it and brag to your friends!
And there you have it. I think we can all agree that if I was in charge of the descriptions in the App Store, the world would be a better, more honest place. There would be peace on Earth and climate change would be resolved. Omg, that gives me the best idea: I’m going to go take a selfie of myself looking thoughtful and Pic Stitch it with a satellite image of the Earth and Instagram it with a caption about “being the change” and a bunch of ecofriendly hashtags!! Man, iPhones are just the bee’s knees! But let it be said: I will NEVER get a Mac. Unless they go on sale… Then I’ll consider it.
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
Slutty Halloween Costumes That Shouldn't Exist: 2012 Edition
Halloween is something that means very different things to people of different ages. To children, it signifies free candy, itchy costumes, and being forced to visit cranky old neighbours who may or may not secretly be evil warlocks. For parents, it entails dropping major billage on costumes that will be destroyed in a matter of hours, making sure kids don’t fatally wound themselves in the process of pumpkin carving, and heavy drinking. In between those two extremes is a form of Halloween that takes the costumes of childhood and the alcohol of parenthood and melds them into one big clusterfuck of inebriation and wardrobe malfunctions. This, my friends, is the Halloween of our generation. In the words of Cady Heron (the protagonist of the classic Lindsay-Lohan-before-she-went-cray flick "Mean Girls"), Halloween is the one time of the year when girls can dress up like sluts and no one can say anything about it. A truer statement has never been uttered. The spectrum of whorish attire available today is pretty impressive to be honest. But unfortunately, for every clever display of skankitude out there, there's a fucked up costume based upon something that should never, EVER, be made slutty ready for purchase just seconds away, and these are the ones I'll be focusing on today. I’ve taken the most cringe inducing costumes I could find without crossing into that weird part of the internet that can’t be unseen and listed them below along with images for your viewing pleasure and descriptions of why I find them so horribly wrong. I also added puntastic pick-up lines that I felt would be appropriate to anyone in the costumes because… Well, I just like puns. You should know that by now! Anyways, here we go...
Offender #1: Slutty Beetlejuice
See it yourself: http://www.buycostumes.com/Beetlejuice-Secret-Wishes-Adult-Costume/803342/ProductDetail.aspx
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Say my name ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Beetlejuice isn’t a sex symbol nor should he ever be. Anyone who is attracted to a girl in this costume would appear to be into necrophilia, pleather and bad haircuts, and as such is probably not the kind of guy you want to be reeling in with your seductive ensemble. Unless you’re into that kind of stuff… In which case I’m mildly uncomfortable with the fact that you’re reading my blog.
Offender #2: Slutty Elvis
See it yourself:
http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+sexy+elvis+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116871
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “You’ve got me all shook up ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: No one should ever have to utter the phrase “Elvis, for the love of God PLEASE get your tits out of my face!” under any circumstances. I know the guy got kind of fat towards the end of his life and hey, there’s nothing wrong with an old dude having man boobs, but that doesn’t mean that I want to be “hound dogged” by the image a girl in a low cut, bedazzled jumpsuit wearing a Pauly-D level amount of hair gel.
Offender #3: Slutty Freddy Krueger
See it yourself: http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+miss+krueger+costume+-+nightmare+on+elm+street.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116871
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “I bet you’ve seen me in your dreams before ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Freddy Krueger is a creepy old dude in a tacky sweater and a weird fedora type thing who enjoys killing teens (who for some reason lack really basic survival skills) in their sleep. If that was an eHarmony profile, something tells me the guy would not be swimming in women. But okay, maybe turning it into a slutty costume for girls will make it better! Let’s see… Tacky sweater… Weird fedora… Air of pedophilia… Nope, still not sexy. Maybe try being slutty Jason Voorhees instead: wear the mask and nothing else.
Offender #4: Slutty Clown
See it yourself: http://www.buycostumes.com/Giggles-The-Sexy-Clown-Adult-Costume/803075/ProductDetail.aspx
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “I’ll take you to the greatest show on earth ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: The name of the costume is "Giggles the Sexy Clown". If that's not fucked up, I don't know what is. But the real reason I despise this costume is runs deeper than this: I just really, really hate clowns. I’m convinced that all their makeup and wigs and freaky big shoes are used for the sole purpose of covering up the pure evil that lurks within them. No sane person is THAT happy. Also one of them squirted me with one of those stupid fake flowers when I was five and I still resent their entire race because of it. Just sayin'.
Offender #5: Slutty Panda
See it yourself: http://www.spirithalloween.com/product/la-playful-panda-adult-sm-md/
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Want to see my bamboobs? ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Pandas are adorable and shouldn’t be corrupted. Simple as that. Also Ling Ling would be ashamed to witness such a disgrace and NO ONE fucks with Ling Ling.
Offender #6: Slutty Gnome
See it yourself: http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+sexy+gnome+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116855
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Hey baby,*insert generic innuendo here*, gnome what I’m saying? ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Gnomes are supposed to be jolly, rotund, and bearded. Does the statement “Yo man, I got with this really hot gnome last night!” sound right to you? No. Gnomes belong exclusively in gardens and in Travelocity commercials. Please keep them out of bars and the bedroom.
Offender #7: Whatever the fuck this is.
http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+galactic+beauty+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116855
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: I honestly can’t think of one since I have yet to figure out what the hell this thing is supposed to be.
Why it shouldn’t exist: It looks like a hybrid of a seamonkey and a stripper and will undoubtedly haunt my nightmares for years to come. Seriously though, what the hell is it??
Offender #8: Slutty Edward Scissorhands
See it yourself: http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+edward+scissorhands+miss+scissorhands+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116871
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Don’t let looks deceive you, I’m VERY good with my hands ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Like with the Beetlejuice costume, anyone dressed up as slutty Edward Scissorhands just isn’t going to attract the right kind of people. The fact that the same pleather boots are featured with both costumes speaks volumes, as does the fact that Tim Burton directed both movies and is arguably the creepiest dude ever. If all of that isn’t enough to persuade you that this costume is a horrible idea, please just pause for a second and think about how challenging it would be to use the bathroom while wearing those gloves.
Offender #9: Slutty Catman (from KISS)
See it yourself: http://www.amazingpartystore.com/storefront/productdetail.aspx?idproduct=93974&idcategory=3169
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Want to rock and roll all night? ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Cover up the model’s head. Now uncover it. Now cover it again. Now uncover it again. It looks like someone popped the head off of a Catman doll from the 80s and stuck it onto a limited edition 50 Shades of Grey Barbie. It just ain’t right. On that note, if 50 Shades of Grey Barbie is an actual thing I genuinely fear for today’s children.
So ladies (and cross-dressing gentlemen), when you’re hoe-ing it up before whatever costume extravaganzas you may be going to in the near future, please keep this list of atrocities in mind. If you happen to be putting one on, think twice. Then three times. And if you still think it’s a good idea please contact me so I can peer pressure you into being a slutty cat or something instead. Happy Halloween!
Offender #1: Slutty Beetlejuice
See it yourself: http://www.buycostumes.com/Beetlejuice-Secret-Wishes-Adult-Costume/803342/ProductDetail.aspx
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Say my name ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Beetlejuice isn’t a sex symbol nor should he ever be. Anyone who is attracted to a girl in this costume would appear to be into necrophilia, pleather and bad haircuts, and as such is probably not the kind of guy you want to be reeling in with your seductive ensemble. Unless you’re into that kind of stuff… In which case I’m mildly uncomfortable with the fact that you’re reading my blog.
Offender #2: Slutty Elvis
See it yourself:
http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+sexy+elvis+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116871
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “You’ve got me all shook up ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: No one should ever have to utter the phrase “Elvis, for the love of God PLEASE get your tits out of my face!” under any circumstances. I know the guy got kind of fat towards the end of his life and hey, there’s nothing wrong with an old dude having man boobs, but that doesn’t mean that I want to be “hound dogged” by the image a girl in a low cut, bedazzled jumpsuit wearing a Pauly-D level amount of hair gel.
Offender #3: Slutty Freddy Krueger
See it yourself: http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+miss+krueger+costume+-+nightmare+on+elm+street.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116871
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “I bet you’ve seen me in your dreams before ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Freddy Krueger is a creepy old dude in a tacky sweater and a weird fedora type thing who enjoys killing teens (who for some reason lack really basic survival skills) in their sleep. If that was an eHarmony profile, something tells me the guy would not be swimming in women. But okay, maybe turning it into a slutty costume for girls will make it better! Let’s see… Tacky sweater… Weird fedora… Air of pedophilia… Nope, still not sexy. Maybe try being slutty Jason Voorhees instead: wear the mask and nothing else.
Offender #4: Slutty Clown
See it yourself: http://www.buycostumes.com/Giggles-The-Sexy-Clown-Adult-Costume/803075/ProductDetail.aspx
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “I’ll take you to the greatest show on earth ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: The name of the costume is "Giggles the Sexy Clown". If that's not fucked up, I don't know what is. But the real reason I despise this costume is runs deeper than this: I just really, really hate clowns. I’m convinced that all their makeup and wigs and freaky big shoes are used for the sole purpose of covering up the pure evil that lurks within them. No sane person is THAT happy. Also one of them squirted me with one of those stupid fake flowers when I was five and I still resent their entire race because of it. Just sayin'.
Offender #5: Slutty Panda
See it yourself: http://www.spirithalloween.com/product/la-playful-panda-adult-sm-md/
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Want to see my bamboobs? ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Pandas are adorable and shouldn’t be corrupted. Simple as that. Also Ling Ling would be ashamed to witness such a disgrace and NO ONE fucks with Ling Ling.
Offender #6: Slutty Gnome
See it yourself: http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+sexy+gnome+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116855
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Hey baby,*insert generic innuendo here*, gnome what I’m saying? ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Gnomes are supposed to be jolly, rotund, and bearded. Does the statement “Yo man, I got with this really hot gnome last night!” sound right to you? No. Gnomes belong exclusively in gardens and in Travelocity commercials. Please keep them out of bars and the bedroom.
Offender #7: Whatever the fuck this is.
http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+galactic+beauty+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116855
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: I honestly can’t think of one since I have yet to figure out what the hell this thing is supposed to be.
Why it shouldn’t exist: It looks like a hybrid of a seamonkey and a stripper and will undoubtedly haunt my nightmares for years to come. Seriously though, what the hell is it??
Offender #8: Slutty Edward Scissorhands
See it yourself: http://www.partycity.com/product/adult+edward+scissorhands+miss+scissorhands+costume.do?sortby=ourPicks&pp=60&size=all&navSet=116871
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Don’t let looks deceive you, I’m VERY good with my hands ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Like with the Beetlejuice costume, anyone dressed up as slutty Edward Scissorhands just isn’t going to attract the right kind of people. The fact that the same pleather boots are featured with both costumes speaks volumes, as does the fact that Tim Burton directed both movies and is arguably the creepiest dude ever. If all of that isn’t enough to persuade you that this costume is a horrible idea, please just pause for a second and think about how challenging it would be to use the bathroom while wearing those gloves.
Offender #9: Slutty Catman (from KISS)
See it yourself: http://www.amazingpartystore.com/storefront/productdetail.aspx?idproduct=93974&idcategory=3169
Frighteningly bad pick-up line: “Want to rock and roll all night? ;)”
Why it shouldn’t exist: Cover up the model’s head. Now uncover it. Now cover it again. Now uncover it again. It looks like someone popped the head off of a Catman doll from the 80s and stuck it onto a limited edition 50 Shades of Grey Barbie. It just ain’t right. On that note, if 50 Shades of Grey Barbie is an actual thing I genuinely fear for today’s children.
So ladies (and cross-dressing gentlemen), when you’re hoe-ing it up before whatever costume extravaganzas you may be going to in the near future, please keep this list of atrocities in mind. If you happen to be putting one on, think twice. Then three times. And if you still think it’s a good idea please contact me so I can peer pressure you into being a slutty cat or something instead. Happy Halloween!
Monday, 24 September 2012
Frosh Week: A Survival Guide
I’m writing this on my death bed. Okay, I’m not quite “dying”, but I’m currently swaddled in four layers of blankets and sipping gingerale through a straw while sobbing softly to myself and I’d say that’s a pretty close equivalent. On the bright side, my voice has taken on a degree of hoarseness akin to that of Christian Bale’s Batman and listening to myself talk is wildly entertaining, but I still feel like shit and can’t bring myself to get out of bed which is no fun at all. How did I come to be in this horrible condition, you ask? Medical officials claim that I am simply a victim to some sort of virus or bacterial infection, but I see through their lies. I know that the root of my demise can be traced back a few weeks to a very distinct series of events: Frosh Week. Many stronger individuals than I have been defeated by the power of Frosh Week, and its capacity for evil should not be underestimated. It’s pretty much impossible to get through the ordeal without any sort of collateral damage to your liver and/or your dignity and you’ll probably spend 4-7 days washing body paint and/or beer and/or shame out of your hair afterwards, so it's really no surprise that I'm currently sick as all hell. However, despite any negative after-effects, the experience was totally worth it. Frosh Week was a GREAT time, and I would totally do it all over again if given the chance. I just had the misfortune of going into it without any advice to guide my actions and as a consequence I'm now ill as fuck (and not in the cool rapper kind of way either). But fear not, future froshies: To help you avoid my fate, I have called upon my experiences as well as some of other people’s in order to concoct a survival guide to Frosh Week. If you commit these rules to memory, you’re sure to emerge from the week with grace and poise intact. Or at the very least, without dying.
Survival Tip #1: Drink lots of water.
This survival tip is number one for a reason. Drinking water is the single most important thing a froshie can do, and sadly it is often overlooked. If you’re too busy to fit some nice agua into your schedule, my advice to you is to invest in one of those awesome hats that have cupholders and easily accessible straws for your convenience and to slap a couple of water bottles into that bad boy. You’ll be glad you did when your friends are all hungover on the first morning and you wake up feeling like P-Diddy. Also, a hat that's functional AND stylish? Sounds like a winning combo to me!
Survival Tip #2: Practice good hygiene.
I wasn’t kidding about the whole “4-7 days of washing off body paint/beer/shame” thing. Frosh Week is a messy, messy experience. It’s probable that you’ll spend a considerable amount of time covered in a thin layer of sweat that might be yours, but most likely belongs to some large hairy guy who accidentally brushed up against you and lingered for a few uncomfortable seconds. Or maybe that was just my frosh experience... I'd like to think I'm not the only one it happened to in order to dull the mental trauma it has caused me. Anyways, unless you want all the filth of Frosh Week to be absorbed through your pores to the extent that no amount of deep cleansing will ever be able to remove it, daily showers are a must. Also if you happen to be the large, hairy, lingering guy, PLEASE START USING DEODERANT. That is all.
Survival Tip #3: Don’t hook up with shady characters.
When you combine a whole bunch of rowdy young people, a whole bunch of alcohol and a lack of adult supervision, hookups are inevitable. If you choose to play the field during frosh, make sure to use good judgement. Look out for red-flag phrases such as “Chris Brown is my role model!”, “Does this rag smell like chloroform?” and “I have candy in my van.” when talking to potential mates. Also take note of less overt warning signs. If a guy has his shirt unbuttoned more than halfway and smells like he just took a bath in a pool of Axe body spray and pure musk, chances are he’s a douche and you should stay away. Female sluttiness can also be easily ascertained, in this case based on missing objects. If she’s lacking an earring, a shoe, or clothing in general, you should probably avoid her for the time being (or forever). And remember: beer goggles are real. Exercise caution at all times.
Survival Tip #4: Use protection.
While I’m on the topic of avoiding shady characters, another important Frosh Week survival tip is to protect yourself during any "sexy time" you may have. Since I can’t think of anything more to say on this topic without turning this into a middle school sex ed lesson, I’m just going to list a bunch of creative ways to say “Use a condom” for your amusement. Ahem: “No glove, no love.” “Sheath the sword before you duel.” “Wrap the salami so she doesn’t become a mommy.” “Don’t be a chump; use a rubber when you hump.” “When in doubt, shroud your spout.” “You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.” "Don't be silly, cover your willy." Etc, etc. I could go continue, but I’m sure I’ve already disturbed you enough for one day. Moving on!
Survival Tip #5: For the love of god, shut up for once.
The amount of yelling that occurs during Frosh Week is absolutely insane. Between cheering to showcase school spirit, trying to be heard over loud music and participating in drunken screaming matches (yep, those happen) a froshie’s vocal cords take a lot of abuse. I learned this lesson the hard way, and as I mentioned earlier my voice is now shot to hell and I may have to don a mask and cape in order to give purpose to my new-found raspiness. My advice to you? Become the asshole with the airhorn. Regardless of what school you go to, your Frosh Week will possess at least one guy or gal who, for some reason, brings an airhorn to every event with them and makes sure EVERYONE is aware of their presence. At the time, I didn’t understand the purpose of my Frosh Week’s airhorn posse and just found them really fucking annoying, but in retrospect they were actually geniuses. I bet they all have normal voices right now… Sneaky bastards. So yeah, when you’re buying the hat to hold your water in, see if you can kill two birds with one stone and get one with a built in airhorn. I’m sure those exist somewhere. That somewhere is probably Japan.
Survival Tip #6: Try to maintain a balanced diet.
I didn’t understand how the Freshman 15 could be an actual thing until an event happened during Frosh Week that will likely haunt me for the rest of my days. I awoke in my dorm room one morning after a night of froshing to an eerily familiar scent. It was the smell of… Peanut butter? Yeah, definitely peanut butter. And… Chocolate? Oh god. I groggily sat up and rubbed my eyes, confused by this aroma, and that’s when I saw it: a trail of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrappers leading from my beanbag chair to my bed. I stared in horror, not believing what I had done, but after searching my feelings I knew it to be true (someone better catch that reference). And I was not the only one to find themself in such a horrible waking nightmare. Even individuals with willpowers of steel caved into late night cravings for McDonald’s or KFC (affectionately refer to as “Dirty Bird”) during Frosh Week. While it may very well be impossible to avoid the throes of grease-soaked temptation during the week, my advice to future froshies is to at least attempt to choke down a couple of carrot sticks or a salad every once in awhile so you can feel slightly less guilty about all the McDoubles and popcorn chicken you ingest. I’m sure your mommy would tell you the same thing.
Survival Tip #7: Phone memos are your friend.
Chances are you’re going to meet a whole bunch of new people during Frosh Week. Some of them will be easy to remember. Others will not. To avoid an awkward incident where someone who you’re pretty sure you’ve never seen before comes up to you on campus and starts chatting away as if you were best friends, leaving you standing there nodding and smiling while silently panicking and trying to figure out who the fuck they are, make a memo in your phone and write down the names of people who you don’t think you’ll remember along with a brief description of their appearance and where you met them. Review it when you wake up the next morning and SHAZAM! Awkward encounter avoid. And yes, I did just say shazam. What of it?
So there you have it, a sure-fire plan for surviving Frosh Week. May it serve you well. Unfortunately, I have yet to come up with a sure-fire plan for surviving the rest of first year, but I swear I'll start working on it once I'm fully recovered. Can't a sick girl catch a break? Gosh!
Survival Tip #1: Drink lots of water.
This survival tip is number one for a reason. Drinking water is the single most important thing a froshie can do, and sadly it is often overlooked. If you’re too busy to fit some nice agua into your schedule, my advice to you is to invest in one of those awesome hats that have cupholders and easily accessible straws for your convenience and to slap a couple of water bottles into that bad boy. You’ll be glad you did when your friends are all hungover on the first morning and you wake up feeling like P-Diddy. Also, a hat that's functional AND stylish? Sounds like a winning combo to me!
Survival Tip #2: Practice good hygiene.
I wasn’t kidding about the whole “4-7 days of washing off body paint/beer/shame” thing. Frosh Week is a messy, messy experience. It’s probable that you’ll spend a considerable amount of time covered in a thin layer of sweat that might be yours, but most likely belongs to some large hairy guy who accidentally brushed up against you and lingered for a few uncomfortable seconds. Or maybe that was just my frosh experience... I'd like to think I'm not the only one it happened to in order to dull the mental trauma it has caused me. Anyways, unless you want all the filth of Frosh Week to be absorbed through your pores to the extent that no amount of deep cleansing will ever be able to remove it, daily showers are a must. Also if you happen to be the large, hairy, lingering guy, PLEASE START USING DEODERANT. That is all.
Survival Tip #3: Don’t hook up with shady characters.
When you combine a whole bunch of rowdy young people, a whole bunch of alcohol and a lack of adult supervision, hookups are inevitable. If you choose to play the field during frosh, make sure to use good judgement. Look out for red-flag phrases such as “Chris Brown is my role model!”, “Does this rag smell like chloroform?” and “I have candy in my van.” when talking to potential mates. Also take note of less overt warning signs. If a guy has his shirt unbuttoned more than halfway and smells like he just took a bath in a pool of Axe body spray and pure musk, chances are he’s a douche and you should stay away. Female sluttiness can also be easily ascertained, in this case based on missing objects. If she’s lacking an earring, a shoe, or clothing in general, you should probably avoid her for the time being (or forever). And remember: beer goggles are real. Exercise caution at all times.
Survival Tip #4: Use protection.
While I’m on the topic of avoiding shady characters, another important Frosh Week survival tip is to protect yourself during any "sexy time" you may have. Since I can’t think of anything more to say on this topic without turning this into a middle school sex ed lesson, I’m just going to list a bunch of creative ways to say “Use a condom” for your amusement. Ahem: “No glove, no love.” “Sheath the sword before you duel.” “Wrap the salami so she doesn’t become a mommy.” “Don’t be a chump; use a rubber when you hump.” “When in doubt, shroud your spout.” “You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.” "Don't be silly, cover your willy." Etc, etc. I could go continue, but I’m sure I’ve already disturbed you enough for one day. Moving on!
Survival Tip #5: For the love of god, shut up for once.
The amount of yelling that occurs during Frosh Week is absolutely insane. Between cheering to showcase school spirit, trying to be heard over loud music and participating in drunken screaming matches (yep, those happen) a froshie’s vocal cords take a lot of abuse. I learned this lesson the hard way, and as I mentioned earlier my voice is now shot to hell and I may have to don a mask and cape in order to give purpose to my new-found raspiness. My advice to you? Become the asshole with the airhorn. Regardless of what school you go to, your Frosh Week will possess at least one guy or gal who, for some reason, brings an airhorn to every event with them and makes sure EVERYONE is aware of their presence. At the time, I didn’t understand the purpose of my Frosh Week’s airhorn posse and just found them really fucking annoying, but in retrospect they were actually geniuses. I bet they all have normal voices right now… Sneaky bastards. So yeah, when you’re buying the hat to hold your water in, see if you can kill two birds with one stone and get one with a built in airhorn. I’m sure those exist somewhere. That somewhere is probably Japan.
Survival Tip #6: Try to maintain a balanced diet.
I didn’t understand how the Freshman 15 could be an actual thing until an event happened during Frosh Week that will likely haunt me for the rest of my days. I awoke in my dorm room one morning after a night of froshing to an eerily familiar scent. It was the smell of… Peanut butter? Yeah, definitely peanut butter. And… Chocolate? Oh god. I groggily sat up and rubbed my eyes, confused by this aroma, and that’s when I saw it: a trail of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrappers leading from my beanbag chair to my bed. I stared in horror, not believing what I had done, but after searching my feelings I knew it to be true (someone better catch that reference). And I was not the only one to find themself in such a horrible waking nightmare. Even individuals with willpowers of steel caved into late night cravings for McDonald’s or KFC (affectionately refer to as “Dirty Bird”) during Frosh Week. While it may very well be impossible to avoid the throes of grease-soaked temptation during the week, my advice to future froshies is to at least attempt to choke down a couple of carrot sticks or a salad every once in awhile so you can feel slightly less guilty about all the McDoubles and popcorn chicken you ingest. I’m sure your mommy would tell you the same thing.
Survival Tip #7: Phone memos are your friend.
Chances are you’re going to meet a whole bunch of new people during Frosh Week. Some of them will be easy to remember. Others will not. To avoid an awkward incident where someone who you’re pretty sure you’ve never seen before comes up to you on campus and starts chatting away as if you were best friends, leaving you standing there nodding and smiling while silently panicking and trying to figure out who the fuck they are, make a memo in your phone and write down the names of people who you don’t think you’ll remember along with a brief description of their appearance and where you met them. Review it when you wake up the next morning and SHAZAM! Awkward encounter avoid. And yes, I did just say shazam. What of it?
So there you have it, a sure-fire plan for surviving Frosh Week. May it serve you well. Unfortunately, I have yet to come up with a sure-fire plan for surviving the rest of first year, but I swear I'll start working on it once I'm fully recovered. Can't a sick girl catch a break? Gosh!
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