(Probably Politically Incorrect and/or Mildly Offensive) Christmas Fun Facts!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year again, boys and girls! LOL JK, my December thus far has consisted of back-to-back exams, overactive sweat glands whilst shopping for presents (a parka was a poor choice… as was milk) and three days without power or heat at home due to a HUGE ice storm. Seriously. What. The. Fuck. Needless to say, I’ve been feeling far less festive this year than I usually do during the holiday season. Normally I would have been skipping around the house doing my best Mariah-Carey-in-All-I-Want-For-Christmas-Is-You vocal impersonation all day every day for the past week, but frankly I’ve lost my motivation this year. But I’m not old and/or arthritic enough to be Scroogey, so earlier this evening I decided that something must be done in order to regain my spirit before The Big Day. Naturally, being the kind of gal that I am, I figured that the best way to accomplish this was to do what I do best: write things that I think are funny, spam the internet with them, and hope that like three people get a mild chuckle out of it. I decided to go with the classic format of “fun facts that I may or may not have made up” (okay, I made all of them up) and to make the focus of said facts CHRISTMAS! Is focusing only on Christmas politically incorrect? Probably. But do you know what would be more politically incorrect? Me trying to make up fun facts about holidays I know nothing about. Boom. Stick that in your candy cane and smoke it. I’m doing the world a favour, really! Alright, it’s go time. Grab yourself some eggnog and read on.

Christmas Fact #1: Mary and Joseph once appeared on an unreleased episode of Maury Povich. Joseph wasn’t all that surprised to discover that he wasn’t the father. He was, however, surprised to discover that his homie Tyrone was.

Christmas Fact #2: No child goes to sleep with visions of sugar plums dancing through their head on Christmas Eve, nor do any of them know what a sugar plum is. Heck, I don’t even know what a sugar plum is. Seriously. Someone please tell me.

Christmas Fact #3: 78% of carolers have no idea how to pronounce “Wenceslas”.

Christmas Fact #4: The traditional Christmas story makes it clear that the shepherds knew where to find Baby Jesus because they were guided by a choir of angels. However, the story neglects to mention that said angels were of the Victoria’s Secret variety and that the shepherds were only following them because… well, wouldn’t you?

Christmas Fact #5: A “Santa Claus” is a form of speech comprised entirely of red, white, and green letters.

Christmas Fact #6: Liquor sales increase exponentially during the holiday season. While it’s generally chalked up to the fact that people often give booze as a gift, in reality it’s due to people needing to be drunk in order to cope with their extended families for prolonged periods of time.

Christmas Fact #7: It is projected that by the year 2025, the phrase “Happy Holidays!” will be deemed politically incorrect and “Neutral Christmukwaamadiwali” will take its place.

Christmas Fact #8: Santa’s elves once unionized in order to protest unpaid overtime shifts during the weeks leading up to Christmas. It was the jolliest, most adorable strike ever!

Christmas Fact #9: Immediately after Joseph asked Mary what she thought they should name their son, she yelled out “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” because epidurals weren’t a thing back then and popping a kid out is a wee bit painful from what I hear. He misinterpreted her cry as her actual response, and the rest is history.

Christmas Fact #10: Everyone is afraid that they’ll unintentionally offend someone while singing the line “make the yuletide gay”.

Christmas Fact #11: On that note, there’s a made-for-TV movie called “Make the Yuletide Gay” about an out-and-proud college student wrestling with the decision of whether or not to reveal his true sexuality to his parents over the Christmas break. Yep. That’s a thing. And it’s not even porn!

Christmas Fact #12: Many religious historians are quick to point out that Jesus’ birthday wasn’t even in the winter. Everyone else is quick to point out that literally no one gives a shit.

Christmas Fact #13: The real reason the Grinch’s heart grew so damn big is because he listened to Michael Buble’s Christmas album. Man, that guy can SING.

Christmas Fact #14: Contrary to popular belief, frankincense is NOT Frankenstein’s street-savvy cousin.

Christmas Fact #15: 84% of people hate getting socks as a gift, but 100% of Grandma’s will be offended if you don’t pretend that they’re the best thing in the world.

Christmas Fact #16: One of Santa’s reindeer was shot down by Sarah Palin while flying over Alaska. The majestic creature we know as “Blitzen” is actually an imported replacement named “Juan”. Please leave out jalapeños for his benefit; he ain’t about that carrot life.

BONUS (HANUKKAH!) FACT: The Hanukkah story centers on a one-day supply of fuel miraculously burning for eight whole days instead. Sadly, it would have been far more miraculous if an iPhone battery had lasted that long… I’m looking at you, Apple.

Well, that’s it! I hope my feeble attempts at wit helped to raise your holiday spirit a bit, regardless of what you’ll be celebrating (or have already celebrated!) this year. And if they didn’t, don’t worry: I asked Santa to bring me a better sense of humour this year, and the man is pretty magical so I have a feeling he’ll come through for me. Maybe if I leave out jalapenos for Juan I’ll get extra special treatment… It’s definitely worth a shot. Anyways, I’m off to listen to some Bubs and/or watch “Make the Yuletide Gay”. Either way, I’ll probably end up emotionally sobbing over some gingerbread. A Neutral Christmukwaamadiwali to all, and to all a good night!

Victoria's Dirty Little Secret

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was simultaneous elating and depressing; riveting, yet repulsive. It was the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of the year again. At 10 o’clock this evening, TVs everywhere will be displaying a parade of leggy Heidi Klum and Miranda Kerr-types strutting their stuff in intricately bedazzled bras on an equally sparkly runway. Girls everywhere will bemoan their envy of Adriana Lima, guys will drool over “boobies”, and a grand ol’ time will be had by all. What started out as nothing but a marketing strategy from one of the world’s largest lingerie companies has evolved into an annual cultural staple in North America; every year it produces more hype and gains new viewers. Superficially, this is fair enough; I mean, girls love pretty underwear and guys love girls in pretty underwear. What’s the harm in that? If it only it were that simple. Like a new medication, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show can come with some pretty serious side effects and they shouldn’t be ignored.

Up until this year, I saw no problem in engaging in the classic self-berating that shows up on social media whenever the fashion show airs. It’s incredibly hard to stare at women who are perceived as “perfect” by the majority of one’s peers and not to feel a little down on yourself. These women appear to have it all; big boobs, tiny waists, washboard abs, perky butts, and legs that go on for days. Not having these things makes it easy to feel inferior, and so begins a chain of statements of self-loathing. Sharing these negative thoughts creates a bonding platform for girls, and I used to think it was a fun, “we’re all in this together!” kind of activity. But today, I saw something on Twitter and it flipped a switch within me. I was scrolling through my feed, and someone I follow posted a picture of the “Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Drinking Game.” I clicked on it, and while some of the rules were funny (ie. “Take a shot every time you have a lesbian tendency!”) others weren’t in the slightest. “Drink every time you touch your chest and shed a tear.” “Drink every time you get up and look at yourself in the mirror and ask “God, why?” “Drink every time you’re motivated to hit the gym and/or develop an eating disorder.” Um… Something is wrong with this picture. Surely I can’t be the only one who sees it. Even more troubling is the fact that this kind of stuff is all over the internet. “Ugh, VS Fashion Show tonight, never eating again!” “You’d need like four of these girls to make up one me.” “The Angels make me hate my life.” The list goes on. Self-hate has become a very warped cultural phenomenon associated with the fashion show, and I think it’s time for a reality check.

We all need to stop comparing ourselves to these unattainable ideals. No one looks like these women! These women don’t even look like these women! They go through hours of hair and makeup, are decked out with strategic padding and tape, and that’s just before all of the filtered lighting and flattering camera angles. Yes, they look beautiful, and it’s okay to think that as long as you keep in mind that a lot of it is an illusion and you remember one important thing: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL TOO! Yes, I’m talking to you! You are absolutely gorgeous. What you perceive to be flaws make you unique, and you shouldn’t put yourself down for them. Differences are beautiful. Flaws are beautiful. YOU are beautiful. It makes me so sad that we’ve all developed this gross perception that we need to fit into some perfect mold in order to be considered attractive. I’m as guilty of it as anyone; if you asked me 10 things I would change about myself, I could list them off in a matter of seconds. But I’m slowly starting to realize that this thought pattern isn’t okay. Hating your body is taking the easy way out; noticing your flaws is a piece of cake, but accepting them is incredibly challenging. It’s truly messed up, when you think about it, so we really need to try to change the way we see ourselves. If we could just look at our own bodies with the same admiration that we have for models, we’d be so much happier AND healthier. Let’s pay our friends compliments instead of bonding over our jiggly thighs and A-cups. Let’s look in the mirror and see what we love about ourselves rather than what we hate. Let’s remind ourselves not to compare ourselves to other women when we admire their beauty, and acknowledge that we too are beautiful in our own way.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This is traditionally interpreted as “everyone finds beauty in different things”, but it means something different to me. I think that beauty is a mindset. We constantly scrutinize ourselves and others, scanning for every possible flaw, and every time we do this we allow negativity to cloud our vision. In this way, negative thinking makes finding beauty as challenging as finding something in a dark room. Sure, you might stumble onto it, but it would be a hell of a lot easier to do if you just turned on the light. So, I ask you, why don’t we just turn on the lights? Clear the negativity from our eyes and find the beauty we couldn’t see before? It seems like a damn good solution to me! Now, I’m not saying the change will be easy or instantaneous. There will most definitely be times when the positivity-bulb will flicker or the switch will get stuck on “Off”. But we still need to make the effort to think differently, since we all deserve to have a better opinion of ourselves. Anyways, I’m going to go watch the Fashion Show now. I’ll probably feel bad about myself every once in a while. It’s inevitable. But this year, I’m going to keep reminding myself that I shouldn’t think that way, and you should do the same. You know why? Because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! And you can’t let yourself forget that!