Valentine’s Day sure faces a strange amount of hatred for a holiday that’s supposed to be all about love. For every E-card or mushy Facebook status I see each year, there are at least three jaded comments about how stupid the whole thing is waiting just around the corner. While I’m sure that some people have valid reasons for their deep-seated resentment toward the annual candy heart hullaballoo (the haunting memory of a childhood pet dying in a freak accident on the fourteenth of February, for example), the excuses provided by the overwhelming majority just ain’t cutting it for me. In my opinion, unless you’re one of the aforementioned individuals with PTSD from a tragic Valentine’s Day passed, there’s really no reason that you shouldn’t love it. And I’m about to put myself up to the momentous task of proving that to you. I’ve drafted a list of the five main categories of Valentine’s Day haters, and I’m going to attempt to shut down their arguments one by one. Will I succeed? Maybe, maybe not. But I’m trying to avoid writing a paper right now so this seems as good a method of procrastination as any. Alright, LET’S DO THIS THING.
H8r Group #1: Single girls.
Out of all of the Valentine’s Day haters known to man, single girls are the most aggressive by far. We’ve all heard or uttered something along the lines of this during early February: “Ugh, I HATE Valentine’s Day. It’s such a stupid holiday! YOU BITCH, I’M NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME ACUTELY AWARE OF HOW SINGLE I AM, HOW DARE YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT?!” Despite their extremely convincing lies about why they hate Valentine’s Day, single girls really just hate it because it does, in fact, make them acutely aware of how single they are. But ladies: it doesn’t have to be a bad thing! Being single allows you to partake in several fun Valentine’s traditions that “those stupid whores with boyfriends” can’t. While they’re out and about with their significant others, you know what you can to do? The following are just a handful of options:
1. Wear sweatpants and neglect your personal hygiene.
2. Get fat.
3. Get drunk.
4. Watch The Notebook and ugly-cry (Bonus: You can wipe your tears and snot on your sweatpants if you feel so inclined!)
5. Bond with your gal pals about how stupid and smelly boys are.
6. Get really drunk.
7. Take comfort in the fact that no one is creeping your couple photos on Facebook and fighting the urge to passive-aggressively comment about “how cute you two are!”
8. Be that person who creeps couple photos on Facebook and fights the urge to passive-aggressively comment about how cute couples are.
9. Did I mention that you can get drunk?
10. Seriously, just get drunk.
If you keep those ideas in mind, I guarantee you’ll have a new favourite holiday by the 15th. And a helpful life tip: maybe if you stopped whining so much, you’d get a boyfriend. Haha, just kidding! …Well that actually might be kind of helpful. In a nice way?
H8r Group #2: Guys in general.
The feelings of the male population toward Valentine’s Day are more of apathy than of hatred, but they still aren’t loving it so I’m sassing them out anyways. If you’re a single guy, only a simple realization stands between you and a newfound passion for the holiday: single girls get super desperate around Valentine’s Day, and if you play your cards right you can totally get laid. There you go, it’s as easy as that! Guys in relationships have less of an incentive to hop on St. Valentine (in retrospect that sounds a lot different than I intended it to…) since they get action on a more consistent basis. But boys, take the following into consideration: You’ve forgotten your girlfriend’s birthday three years in a row. You fart under the blankets and trap her within them on a daily basis. And she TOTALLY saw you staring at that other chick’s rack on your four-month anniversary. Dude, YOU OWE HER. Fortunately, statistics have shown that betches love Valentine’s Day, so it provides the perfect opportunity for you to redeem yourself. Now I’m sure some of you gents are under the misguided impression that girls are impossible to shop for and that she won’t be happy with anything that falls short of an underwear-clad cutout of David Beckham. You, good sirs, ARE WRONG (although the Beckham cutout would be an awesome gift. Just saying.) It’s RIDICULOUSLY easy to get a girl a satisfactory Valentine’s Day present. There are four sure-thing gift categories to select from: candy/chocolates, stuffed animals, flowers, and jewelry (the shinier, the better). So take half an hour out of your day, buy your significant other a teddy bear with a heart sewn between its paws AND STOP STARING AT THAT CHICK’S RACK DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING I JUST SAID?!
H8r Group #3: Anti-Capitalist conspiracy theorists.
Everyone has that one friend who kvetches about how Valentine’s Day is some huge capitalist money grab that preys upon our desires for material validation in our relationships and blah dee blah blah blah. I have one thing to say to them: So what? Even if that is the truth and we’re all being manipulated into buying cinnamon hearts by powerful corporations, I don’t get why it’s such a big deal. It probably does wonders for the economy; think of all the employment opportunities it creates! Somewhere out there is a tiny factory worker named Mowgli who spends his days painstakingly inscribing candy hearts with adorable captions. It is his life’s greatest passion. If Valentine’s Day is eradicated on the grounds of being overly capitalistic, poor little Mowgli will be out of a job and his existence will be void of a purpose. If that isn’t heart wrenching enough for you, please consider the fact that Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character in 500 Days of Summer works in the greeting card industry. The greeting card industry produces Valentine’s Day cards. Thus, if you continue to hate upon the occasion, JGL suffers. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, YOU HORRIBLE WRETCH? Didn’t think so. (#JGLforPope)
H8r Group #4: Hippies who think that love should be celebrated every day of the year.
People who denounce Valentine’s Day on the grounds that it makes it seem like we should only celebrate love only one day a year seem like they’re coming from the right place, but they’re still not escaping my wrath. I agree that it would be just peachy if people “celebrated love” every single day, but the fact of the matter is that people don’t. In our fast-paced society, people often forget to take the time to do little things for their loved ones, so as sad as it might seem, we really do need a set holiday to give us a shove in the direction of Hallmark and Godiva. Oh, and this one’s a real zinger: if you’re so opposed to setting aside one day of the year to celebrate something special, it’s probably best if we just cancel your birthday. After all, shouldn’t your life be celebrated every day of the year? Yeah. I went there. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES? Wow, that escalated quickly. I’ll just stop. Moving on!
H8r Group #5: Cupid.
Cupid seems like the last person who would hate Valentine’s Day, but in recent years quite the opposite has been true. Now a fully-grown, overweight 45 year-old man with high blood pressure and a receding hairline, Cupid has grown tired of having to slap on the ol’ diaper once a year and prancing around performing what he deems to be the “primitive task” of shooting arrows. He works nine to five at an insurance agency every other day of the year in order to support the three children he has with his wife, the Tooth Fairy, and claims that he’s “stressed out enough as it is”. Well, you know what Cupid? You know WHAT?! I… I actually don’t have a rebuttle. I have to be honest, I feel bad for the guy. Maybe we should give him the year off. Hey, maybe Legolas could fill in for him, he’s a fantastic archer! And I most certainly wouldn’t mind seeing Orlando Bloom in a diaper. Happy Valentine’s Day, indeed.
Now here’s where I get a little mushy. All jokes aside, I do think that Valentine’s Day is a great holiday. It’s not just about flowers and candy and rubbing your relationship status in everyone’s face. It’s about love. Not just romantic love, but friendly love and family love too. Try to think back to the kindergarten days when we used to give corny Star Wars or Barbie themed cards to every single one of our classmates, maybe even with a Hershey’s kiss stuck to the front if we were feeling generous. If you think of Valentine’s Day in that context, it’s hard to keep on disliking it. I mean really, what’s not to love? Pun fully intended. Awww yeah.
